


Ten Years

by evilregal_oncers



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Choking, Dark, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Ice Play, Jealousy, Loss of Parent(s), Prison, Regret, Restraints, Smut, Strap-Ons, Threesome - F/F/F, Whipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 47,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27085351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilregal_oncers/pseuds/evilregal_oncers
Summary: When anger and panic meet at one point, things can go one of two ways. One, it could go to shit. Or two, it could go to hell. Which, in retrospect, is the same damn thing. So when Emma Swan, a woman who underestimates the extremities of  her anger issues, meets Regina Mills, a woman who uses her panic attacks as an excuse to self-medicate, where will life take them?Read to find out.A novel about two different life stories that came to be one. And how each and every decision made in one, led to the destruction of the other. Regina Mills and Emma Swan came from two different dysfunctional backgrounds. But in many ways, their lives were much of the same.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 22
Kudos: 17





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> I Hope you enjoy this story!!

Coming Soon!  
~~~~~  
I N T R O D U C T I O N  
New SwanQueen Story! And this one I am really, really excited for.  
First of all, I co-wrote this book with my amazingly talented friend, Trudy. And we've been working on this story for a really looonnnggg time and have put a lot of thought and effort into it, so we really hope you enjoy it.  
Arrica and I will also be putting this story on fanfic.net(link will be available soon), so if you prefer the reading format there you can go read it there if you'd like.  
~~~~~  
This is a Dark Romance Story, so be prepared for some characterised behaviour that perhaps should not be romanticised, but we did it anyway. What we mean by this is, you're gonna read some f*cked up sh*t. So don't be too surprised when you do.  
The first chapter of this story will be published on the 20th of October, aka, my birthday.  
~~~~~  
S C H E D U L E  
Another thing that you should probably know about this story... it is going to be a three-part story. The first part is told from Emma's point of view, the second part is told from Regina's point of view, and the third and final part is written in the third person. So there will be two distinct breaks in between at some point. But aside from that, do expect a chapter daily.


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~~  
> T H E I N S P I R A T I O N F O R T H I S S T O R Y  
> "Put interesting characters in difficult situations and write to find out what happened."  
> -Stephen King  
> ~~~~~  
> And finally, a quick Disclaimer:  
> We are in no way experts of any sort, hence, what you read in this book is a work of fiction. It's NOT real. We made it up. Neither books nor their readers benefit from attempts to define whether any facts hide inside of a story. Such efforts attack the very idea that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.  
> Also I hope enjoy my birthday present that I will share with you.

Flashforward  
July.25.2019  
She gets out of the car that became hers only minutes ago; the car she so expertly stole. And as the car door slams shut behind her, she pops the hood of her jacket over her head, masking her tired face from the world. She starts walking with only one goal in mind. That goal being revenge.  
She keeps her forest green eyes on the black Mercedes across the parking lot as she walks, but more importantly she’s watching the brunette standing behind it. She scans her surroundings only briefly before increasing her already fast pace walk towards the vehicle. Her target, aka the brunette, is unloading two handfuls of groceries at a time inside the trunk. She’s too distracted to notice the blonde approaching her.  
The busy brunette turns around once she puts the final bag of groceries in the trunk then reaches for the trolley, ready to push it back to the rest of its family. That’s when the blonde’s presence becomes known to her. Deep brown eyes freezes over as she stares deeply into those angry green ones.  
They are face to face, only inches apart for the first time in... well, years.  
“Emma…” The brunette mutters, shocked, trembling as if she’s seeing a ghost. Her entire face loses blood and oxygen, making her suddenly appear pale.  
Emma doesn’t say anything. She’s too filled with rage and hurt to do anything close to kind. So she follows her instincts, doing the thing that’s acted as her muse of self-defense and protection for these past ten years; She hits first, she’ll talk later. Her fist forcefully connects to the side of her former lover’s jaw, knocking her out cold.  
Emma, towering above the brunette’s limp body on the floor, sniffles hard as if she’s sniffing powder, except it’s just air. Her eyes quickly check for any inquisitive humans around her again, and when she’s sure no one has seen her, she picks up Regina's body and carries her to the car that became hers only moments ago.  
\-----  
Regina wakes up some time later and finds herself tied up with her hands behind her back, against a rather thick and tall pole. Her feet are tied together too. She’s sitting down on the cold concrete floor. It’s dark, but there’s a singular light fixture that flickers every couple of seconds and only provides enough brightness to see within two feet. After a moment of just inspecting her environment, she realizes that she is in some sort of an abandoned warehouse or basement. She couldn’t be sure.  
A loose sigh leaves her dry lips when she comes to the conclusion that she isn’t dead yet. She parts them, recognizing just how thirsty she is. Her eyes roam over her body; clothes still in place; nothing was stolen; nothing damaged...yet. Apart from the few dirt marks on her jeans skirt that ends mid-thigh, and the strange-colored spots on her white blouse, nothing is out of place.  
A moment or two creeps by silently, before Emma steps out from a dark corner to make herself known.  
Regina, after the initial fright of Emma’s presence, just stares at her for a while, unmoving, unspeaking. She eventually drops her head tiredly and asks, “How long have I been here?”  
Emma doesn’t respond.  
Regina looks up and waits a while before she continues asking questions, “So what? You’re just gonna beat me up? Torture me?”  
Emma keeps silent, just staring. It’s as if she’s just as dead on the inside as she looks on the outside.  
“That’s what you want? Get out of prison just to go right back?” Regina questions through a dry, throaty, sarcastic laugh, shaking her head from left to right slowly. “God, Emma. Revenge seems like a cheap trick for you.” She pauses and waits for the blonde to say something. But again, Emma stays quiet. So Regina sighs and says, “Let’s get this over with. Just try not to touch my face again, alright? I would appreciate that.”  
Emma walks slowly over to Regina and kneels down directly in front of her. She had enough time to inspect Regina’s face while she was knocked out - the face that had betrayed her all those years ago. But no matter how hard she tries, she can’t seem to figure out why Regina did it. Why, after everything they had been through together?  
With her left hand outstretched, she uses her index finger to poke at Regina’s face, wanting to know that it was still real, that it was still the woman she fell in love with and not a cruel replica.  
Regina flinches slightly and pulls her face away from Emma’s hand.  
Emma’s jaws tighten and her eyes narrow - the first of many signs that told Regina that she was angry. She pulls her hand away and takes a pocket knife out of the band hidden on her ankle under her trousers. She flicks it open, and Regina freezes. Emma looks her former lover dead in the eyes as she speaks for the first time, “Do you have any idea what it was like…to literally feel your life ticking away? To lose a decade? To live and breathe and dream of nothing? To march toward death with every fiber of your being broken?”  
She spoke slowly, controlled, every syllable pronounced.  
“How do you want me to answer that?” Regina asks shakily, straight-faced, no obvious emotion showing. Deep down though, Emma knows the brunette far too well to know that it is all an act of bravery…or at least she did once.  
“Answer it however you like. You got to live, I had to rot,” Emma says.  
Regina, for the first time, falls completely silent. She just stares. It’s as if the two women have switched roles. Regina is now the quieter one, while Emma does the talking.  
“Nothing to say, huh?”  
Silence.  
Emma makes a quick striking movement with the hand that holds the knife, and it slices the inside of Regina’s thigh, just above the arch of her knee where her skirt ends.  
Regina hisses and tries to pull away but her restraints prevent her from moving.  
The cut on her thigh is deep enough to ensure pain, but not so deep that she will bleed out…not yet anyways.  
Emma stands up and walks a few feet over to her right side, where that flickering light bulb was. Underneath the light is a workshop table that sits alone in the abandoned space. She grabs a stained cloth from the table and starts cleaning Regina’s blood off her pocket knife. Regina watches her, tears just barely clinging to her bottom lids because the sting of her new injury is still pulsing.  
“There was a crack…it ran across the ceiling in my cell.” Emma speaks slowly, keeping the same low tone she had been using this entire time. She turns to look directly in Regina’s glossed over eyes as she continues to speak, “I would stare at it, every day, every night, hoping that something about it would change… Maybe it would curve a different direction… Maybe it would get longer… Maybe the ceiling would come crumbling down on me.” She stops cleaning the pocket knife and drops the cloth back on the table. “But nothing.” She flicks the knife closed and easily slides it back into its place on her ankle. “For ten years it stayed the same. And for ten years, I watched it…waiting.”  
Something finally seems to click in Regina, and she softens, whispering out a soft apology. “I’m sorry.”  
“No, you’re not,” Emma says straight-faced. “But you will be.” She grabs her maroon colored jacket from the workshop table and starts to put it on.  
Regina glances down at her bleeding thigh and falls into a state of panic as she looks back up to Emma and asks, “Where are you going?”  
Emma ignores her.  
“Emma,” she speaks again, “Look, it…it wasn’t my fault things went the way that they did. We were caught together, so why didn’t you just roll over on me and tell the cops the truth?”  
Emma turns around swiftly and shoots Regina an angry glare. “Because you were my girlfriend!” She says sternly, an underlying pain strangling her trachea. “And I was stupid enought to actually care about you to save your ass. And you threw me under the bus. You ratted me out when you could have just as easily kept your mouth shut.”  
“No. Somebody had to say something. You could have easily said the drugs were mine, but you didn’t.” Regina says.  
“Because I loved you!”  
A slow tear runs down the side of Regina’s face as she whimpers, “I had no idea that they were gonna give you ten years.”  
Emma stays silent for a while. After a long while, she pulls on the opening of her jacket and walks over to Regina, kneeling down again. Her voice is cold when she says, “I’m letting you off easy.”  
Realization strikes for Regina. She looks down at her thigh again, then back to Emma, then back to her thigh, then back to Emma. There’s no way Emma would take her out like this, not by bleeding out. “You wouldn’t.”  
Emma looks down at the cut she made, it’s still bleeding, slowly, but definitely still bleeding. “I made sure to cut an artery.” She says, looking back up into Regina’s eyes. Emma reaches a hand around the back of the brunette’s head and pulls her head towards her lips, kissing Regina’s forehead gently. “Let’s hope this crack doesn’t change either.” She stands and starts to walk away. “Goodbye, Regina.”  
“Emma, you can’t leave me here!” Regina starts to go into a state of panic, “Someone’s gonna hear me in here! Emma, wait! Emma!!!” She cries, “Emma, I have a son! My son… Emma, please.”  
Emma stops. And without turning to look back at Regina, she asks, “What was the last thing you said to him?”  
Regina starts to shake her head horizontally before she says, “I don’t know. I dropped him off at school. I can’t remember…I can’t just die.”  
“Yes, you can,” she says, trying to hide the pain in her voice.  
“He’s eight! He needs his mom!”  
Emma remains still for a moment longer, pondering. Then she eventually turns around and walks back over to Regina. “If you called, would he answer?” She asks as she pulls Regina’s phone from her mahogany jacket pocket; the phone she was planning on destroying after leaving Regina there alone.  
“He obviously couldn’t do that,” Regina says.  
Emma ignores what she said, and asks, “What’s his name?”  
“Henry.”  
Emma starts to scroll through Regina’s phone until she finds the name, ‘Henry’ and below that the name, ‘Henry’s nanny’ follows. She decides to call the ‘Henry’ contact first.  
“You know what you wanna say?” She asks as she kneels down to put the phone within Regina’s range.  
“Just let me go,” Regina begs.  
“Wanna tell him you love him? Sing him a lullaby?”  
“Don’t do this, Emma. Please don’t do this.”  
Emma puts the phone to Regina’s ear and leaves it there, forcing Regina to use her shoulder to hold the phone in place so that it doesn’t fall.  
“[Regina] Hi, sweetie, it’s mom.”  
[Henry:…]  
“That’s great. And did you have your spelling test at school?”  
[Henry:…]  
“Yeah, yeah, you bet. We can have mac and cheese. I’ll have your dad go to the store and grab some, okay?”  
[Henry:…]  
“Wait, wait, I wanna tell you something… I love you, so much.”  
[Henry:…]  
“I’m not crying, honey, I just really miss you. And I want you to know that no matter what, I will love you forever. Always remember that, okay?”  
[Henry:…]  
“I love so-”  
Emma pulls the phone from Regina’s hold and hangs up. “Good,” she says bluntly and stands up to walk away again, this time having no intention to stop.  
“Emma, don’t do this, please!” Regina cries, “Emma! I’m sorry! Emma, wait!!”  
Emma doesn’t stop. She walks until she gets to a door that opens with a very noisy rust to it. The door slams shut as she leaves, leaving Regina to wallow in regret.

End of flashforward  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	3. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

Who am I?   
You sure you wanna know?   
The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... If somebody told you I was just your average ordinary girl, not a care in the world... Somebody lied.  
Let me assure you. This, like any story worth telling, is all about a girl.

The girl next door. The girl who broke my heart. Regina Maria Mills. The woman I've loved since before I even knew I liked girls.   
I'd like to tell you that that story ends well, but the thing is... this isn't her story, not yet at least. It's mine.  
My name's Emma Swan. And wait, wait, wait, before you click off, just hear me out. I'm really not as bad as the author made me seem back there. Maybe if you give me a chance I'll be able to give you an explanation....  
What you're about to read isn't just an ordinary story. And in many ways, it's more of a life story than a love story. And it all started the day Regina Mills moved next door.  
The picture of that memory was a time machine. One glance and I was back in my young teenage years with my entire life stretched before me, all the decisions that laid between my present self and my past self were unmapped, anything was possible. How impossible it seemed that all those day-to-day decisions would take me across these many years to where I now sat, broken and miserable. If Regina Mills had just lived one town over, or one house over even, we would never have met. Then where would I be now? Surely not here. Surely some place better.  
\-----  
Boston, 2001  
On the first page of my story, the future seemed so bright. Then it turned out so evil. But we’ll start with the first part, and I’d like to call this part ‘Her’. Because quite honestly, ‘she’ is the entire reason for this story, otherwise there would be none. So I thought it was quite fitting.   
I was thirteen years old the day I met the girl who would eventually break me. And I had no idea what I had coming.  
"Emma, get inside! It's about to start raining in a minute!" My mother called at me through the living room window.  
I didn't bother to look at her or even respond, for I was too focused on the shiny black Mercedes-Benz that was pulling into the driveway of the house next door. That house had been on sale for the past three years since the Dalton's moved out, and it was finally being occupied.  
"Emma, get inside, child! I don't want you getting sick!" My mother called again.  
I started to walk backwards slowly, wanting it to seem as if I was moving towards our front door. My bare feet shuffled across the front lawn, my body swayed in the direction of what had been our home since my birth, but my eyes never left the vehicle. I watched as the car came to a halt in the next-door driveway, and a very well-dressed adult stepped out, a male.  
He wasn’t dressed like anyone I had ever seen in this neighborhood. He actually seemed like he could afford to have more good meals than bad in a week.  
I reached our veranda and stood by the column, the side of my face pressed against it.  
Then I saw the door on the other side of the car open, and out stepped her. A brown-haired beauty that caught my attention even before she saw me. She couldn’t have been more than 5’5 in height, and probably just a few years older than I was. She carried herself with a similar attitude to the man that had gotten out of the car first. Like they were rich. Which was strange because I lived in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Boston. We had a local park where all the older kids would chill and smoke on a daily basis, and there was Mr John’s barber shop that was next to the supermarket that everyone would shop at whenever they could afford it. The lake that most kids were afraid of because of the crocodile accident two years prior. The church that was basically a job site for drug dealers. The school was where you went to either get jumped, high, or pregnant. Oh, and we had the strip of bars, shops and small locally-owned businesses that were closer into town. But aside from those, we didn’t have much in our little town.  
I later found out the man was her father. They were more advantaged than my family were. Because, for starters, they were the only household on our block that could actually afford a car, yet alone a car like that.  
I heard our front door squeak open behind me, and I turned to see my angered mother. “I swear to God, if I have to tell you to get your ass in this house again-”  
“Alright, alright.” I said, walking past her to get inside. I felt her hand connect to the back of my head when I brushed past her, and I hissed and both my hands swiftly reached up to hold the back of my head. “Ow! What was that for?!”  
“Being hard of hearing.” She replied, closing the door and marching off inside the house.  
I rolled my eyes at her and slowly walked further inside. Our house wasn’t much of a house. But it was the only home my parents had ever owned, or could ever afford rather. I was grateful for it, nonetheless, because I knew a lot of kids my age who were worse off than I was.  
I walked over to the window in the living room by the side of our home, where I could see the house next door. The girl and her father were still outside. Her arms were folded across her chest, a disappointed stain as an expression on her face. I smiled when she looked up and saw me staring at her. Her face expression didn’t change but she didn’t look away, and neither did I.  
“Her name’s Regina.” The voice of my older brother, Neal, suddenly alarmed me, forcing me to pull my eyes away from the brunette standing outside. I looked up at him as he stood behind me looking out the window as well. “I saw her at the gas station earlier. And from what I’ve heard she’s not the kind of chick you wanna mess with, birdie.” I always hated that nickname he had for me. His six-year-old mind claimed that I looked like a baby bird when I was born. And somehow, the name stuck over the years. My brows furrowed as I waited for him to say more, because somehow he always knew something about everyone in town before anyone else. “I heard her parents had a nasty divorce. Her father, that guy, won the case and essentially got to keep her. She wasn’t too happy about it…clearly.”  
“What does that have to do with keeping away from her?” I asked.  
“Her father’s a lawyer. Not my kind of people.” He said, then walked away.  
I watched him walk away until he turned the corner to head down to his room in the basement, the one place in this house that I am never allowed to be, according to my brother. Himself and his friends were the only ones who were ever down there, not even my parents were allowed. And since Neal paid for half the bills in this house, my parents never really had much of a say in the matter.  
I looked back out the window. Regina was still watching me. But the look this time was different from the first. It was softer, kinder. I fell for it.  
Regina moved from the city to live in the suburbs after her mom and dad got divorced. Neal was right about that, as he often is about everything. But he didn’t quite hit the nail on the head about why she looked so upset that day. From what I can remember, Regina was happy to live with her father. But I never figured out why she was upset because she never spoke about it.   
That was one of the few things I knew about Regina. She didn’t really like to talk about her family. But dads almost never get full custody, so you know some really deep shit had to have gone down for him to win.  
In fact, as you’ll learn throughout my storytelling, Regina never really liked to talk about anything vaguely personal. So getting to know who she was was a real pain in my ass.  
\-----  
My childhood, like most(statistically), wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows.   
My parents, David and Mary-Margaret Nolan, had been in love since high school and never seemed to have a single bad day in their relationship. I don’t know if that’s exactly true, but if they did ever argue, they never let us, kids, see it. We had the kind of family that looked normal from an outsider’s perspective. But, like every family, we had our secrets.  
With me and my older brother to take care of, my mother and father really struggled. I mean, they always tried to do the best they could, but it was never enough. So, my brother took matters into his own hands when he was old enough and got a ‘job’, one my parents never approved of. They thought he was a delivery boy at first. Neal was just never clear on what sort of delivery he was doing. But I had an inkling it wasn’t food.  
It started off the same way every good kid with a bad influence start out; he would sell pills and weed to kids around his school. But then he got into the hard stuff not long after, the stuff that would pay him more, the stuff that if you took too much of it you could probably die from.   
He never really spoke of anything he was doing with anyone except the tight group of friends that he kept. He didn’t even speak to me about any of it until I was eighteen and wanted to ‘get into the business’ so that I could earn some cash of my own. And even then, he didn’t allow me to do anything too extreme that would expose me to the true horrors of that world. And honestly, I am thankful to him for that. Otherwise, who knows where I would be today? Probably in a ditch somewhere.  
\-----  
It was a brilliant Autumn morning. The kind that inspires poets and painters. The air was crisp, and the sky was cobalt blue. And downtown in lower Manhattan, the Twin Towers were burning.  
I stared in horror at the tv screen, unable to properly process what I was seeing. I listened as Diane Sawyer and Charlie Gibson described how two planes, loaded with passengers, had crashed. One into each tower. And that the United States was under attack.   
I could barely move. I could not believe what I was seeing. All those people, jumping from those buildings. The enormity of the tragedy was incomprehensible.  
The events of the day were still unfolding, but suicide bombers on those four hijacked planes would carry out the most devastating attack on our nation’s soil since Pearl Harbor.  
Like millions of people, I will never forget exactly where I was standing that day. And how the room felt frozen as I watched those towers engulf in flames, and knowing people were dying.  
That night, my parents began discussing all the ways imaginable of how they could die. And of all the ways they listed, my father got it right when he said, “If I were to die driving, I would die embarrassed, because I am the best driver on these streets. Ask anyone.”  
“Daddy, you don’t even have a car.” I laughed. And my mother joined me. “A man can dream.” She said.  
“I’m a hell of a lot better at driving than you are, that’s for sure.” My father said to my mother.  
Neal started laughing, for he knew, and I knew, and we all knew that he was lying.  
It was ironic. Because, before I knew it, three years had flown by. I was sixteen. And this was the summer of my parents’ car accident.  
My brother, Neal, was all I had left.   
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	4. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

My mother and father had never owned a vehicle. They barely even drove one unless it was some sort of special occasion. This time, it was their twentieth anniversary. And it just so happened to be their last. They had planned to rent a car and spend a weekend by the harbor. They never even got halfway before a truck bigger than the size of an airplane crashed into them.  
Instantly my parents died. Crushed under the enormous wheels of the truck that belonged to a tired driver who fell asleep behind the wheel. My parents’ death left me heartbroken, as it would any child. But losing them made me into something else, something I never knew I could be. Some would call it anger, rage, perhaps even dangerous. It’s the same words I’ve been hearing since I was age three. They wouldn’t be wrong. They just wouldn’t be accurate. I was angry, and filled with rage, and perhaps even dangerous to be around sometimes. But I was also hurting. And that was the common denominator. Anger, pain, sadness, danger -whichever you choose to use- I was feeling them all. Words so intertwined that perhaps their names ought to be tweaked to reflect the true origins of those emotions.  
As a result of this anger inside me, I started boxing at the gym in the city. I had to walk for almost an hour to get there but I thought it was worth it. I thought it was a smart way to take out some of my anger. Plus it meant that I was staying in shape too. But, unfortunately, when I got too angry at a punching bag one day and ruined it, I was kicked out of the gym. “Hey, hey, hey! Calm the fuck down!” I heard a loud voice yelling as someone came up to me and pushed me away from the ruined punching bag. I didn’t hear him at first; I saw his mouth moving, and from the way he was charging towards me I could tell that he was upset at something that I was doing. But my headphones were over my head blasting loudly in my ears, and so the only sound I could hear before he so rudely pushed me away from the punching bag was a Micheal Jackson hit--can’t remember the exact tune, just remember that it made me feel inspired to punch the fuck out of that punching bag. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He yelled, pushing me for a second time. “Get the fuck off me!” I yelled back, blocking his hand and glancing down at the badge on his chest quickly to see the title, Manager. 

“Get out! Tiny, get her out of here!” He said, gesturing to a security guard who was a lot bigger than he and I was combined. The man who responded to the name ‘Tiny’ started to walk over to us, while the man with the badge titled, ‘Manager’ stood there staring at me in disgust. “You’re gonna pay for that.” He said, pointing to the ripped punching bag. “Fuck you!” I returned. My body was jolting with a new vigor, an untapped rage that was boiling up from my stomach, to the rest of my body. I felt hot. I didn't even notice how tightly my fists were clenching until blood came back to them.  
“Come on you gotta go,” the guy who’s name is Tiny said, pointing to the exit with one hand while reaching out to touch me with his other hand.  
“I said don’t fucking touch me!”

“And I said get the fuck out of my gym!” The manager said, stepping in front of Tiny and grabbing at my arm to force me out.  
On pure anger-fueled instincts, I reacted. I wasn’t thinking when I let out my boiling antipathy and swung my tight fist, too quick and potent, into the guy’s defined jaw; the impact like thousands of venomous blades piercing apart my clammed fist. It had been a while since I punched anyone, so I was incredibly surprised at the pain that blazed up my arm as my fist connected with his jaw.  
He reacted just as instantly too. He threw his body weight behind the fist that edged closer to my face, it hit my jaw with such force blood pooled into my mouth. Pain erupted from the point of impact. With my own two hands I grasped his head in my hands and brought my knee cap up to his nose, there was a blunt crack and I released his dark haired head. Crimson leaked from both his nostrils and his nose was twisted right. He drew his fist back again and it ploughed into my stomach, it was like hitting a train head on. And before I could reward him with another blow to the face, I was being pulled back, strong, muscular arms wrapped around my torso securely and lifting me off the ground to get me away from him.  
A crowd had formed at this point, and I was forced outside, never to return again.

So yeah... I got banned. And to keep myself busy after that, I decided to join the soccer team at my school. There was nothing else to join outside of school that could keep me fully occupied. And soccer was the only in-school sport that vaguely interested me and just so happened to still be accepting tryouts. Plus, I thought, how hard could kicking a ball around a field be?  
It was a Friday when I decided to sign up, just three months after my parents’ death. And I quite literally crawled out of bed and down the stairs to the kitchen.  
Neal was standing by the window just above the sink smoking. He sighed when he saw me, “Birdie, what are you doing now?”  
“Getting breakfast before I have to go to school,” I answered groggily, still crawling on the floor with a throw blanket draped over my back.  
“And you’re crawling on the floor because?”  
“Because I’m depressed Neal. Just deal with it and leave me alone, okay?” I said. And he decided not to say another word after that. He often kept silent when it came to anything remotely emotional. I thought our parents’ dying would somehow change that but it didn’t. And I got used to it.  
I stood up when I got to the fridge and grabbed the milk. I grabbed the cereal from the cupboard, along with a spoon from one of the drawers, then made myself breakfast.  
If I could have crawled back up the stairs with my bowl of cereal, I would have. But it was impractical and seemed like way too much effort. So I dragged my feet up the stairs and ate breakfast in my room before I showered and got dressed for school.

I used to be into the whole ‘going to school thing’ when I was younger. I mean, I liked to walk with my brother to school and greet my friends on the way; I liked being in classes and learning; I liked having friends who I thought I would be best friends with forever; I liked playing at recess; I liked the whole idea of school. But when you get older, school just isn’t the same. You no longer like walking to school because it’s tiring and the popular rich kids make fun of you for not having a car; You stop paying attention in lessons because adolescence is too fucking hard and so fucking demanding that you barely have time to think about anything else; You lose friends and make enemies; You go through puberty: You hide away in the library or restrooms at recess because you’re too awkward to sit with your ‘friends’; Everything changes. And those changes made me hate school.

But nonetheless, I pushed through it. When the school day was over I walked to the auditorium, where I was told there would be a sheet that I could sign my name on if I wanted to be on the soccer team. The following Monday, I would have a short tryout to determine my position on the field. And once I did that, it would be a waiting game to see if I got it or not.  
I’m not so cruel that I’ll let you wait to see if I did get in, so I’ll just tell you now; I did. Needless to say, signing up was easy. And getting the part was even easier. Now, all I had to do was make sure I controlled my anger and pistoled it at the right things in the right scenarios, so that I wouldn’t get banned from the team for having ‘anger issues’.  
On that Monday, after I found out that I was officially a part of the team, I walked home alone, like I would any other day. And for the first time in weeks, I saw a familiar face walking out of the local coffee shop. Regina. She was with one of her friends, a girl, I recognized her because she was on the cheer team with Regina. Yep, you heard me right - Regina became one of the popular girls in high school. I was the complete opposite to her so it made it a lot harder for me to talk to her. And, not that I was an expert or anything, but I could tell that they were either drunk or high on something. They were all giggly and stumbling over themselves. Regina didn’t see me… or maybe she did and just pretended not to. But I saw her. I saw how happy she seemed. How opposite she was to me on so many levels. I saw the life I envied but could never actually see myself living.

It sounds silly, I know. But sometimes seeing something as simple as someone laughing, hurts more than it should when you yourself are hurting.  
I don’t know why I felt the need to go home and batter my pillow that evening. But I guess the best explanation I can give is that I was angry that I couldn’t have what she had. I was angry that I couldn’t have that eternal feeling of just having someone. The feeling of happiness that I always saw but could never feel for myself. I mean, I thought I had that feeling with my parents. But now I didn’t; they were gone. And although I still had Neal....it just wasn’t the same.  
To be honest, it's been there a while now, this anger; festering, building up, escaping when I was feeling alone or just upset. It was there even before my parents died. My anger made me hate most things. And I really do mean most things. Sometimes I would see something as simple as a book out of place in my bedroom and start to thrash everything apart… just because I was angry and didn’t know what to do with it. It was toxic. I was angry at store clerks and teachers who didn’t even say a word to me, they just looked annoying. Heck, I was even angry if my sandwich wasn't quite right.  
I vaguely remember an incident that happened to me when I was nine years old, and I think that incident might have started that spark of anger that was now a growing flame.  
It happened in school. Another replicated story of childhood bullying. Every time I saw Peter P. on the way to class he smacked me over the head with the flat of his hand. It wasn't a gesture of friendship - I could tell, I was nine, not three - we weren't in some weird club, he hit hard and it stung. One day he was coming toward me with his sardonic grin, waving at me with that meaty paw. I don’t know what happened, five teachers had to pull me off of him and his nose was a bloody mess, smashed right into his face. I remember being expelled for it. Peter P. was left lapping up sympathy on the children's ward. But I still had my nose and he had a bloody pulp. So there you go, seems like my inner psycho had the last word.  
Even to this day, my anger would come like an impossible build up of steam, burning me on the way out, burning the one on the receiving end. I can tell you honestly, every time I ever blew I reckoned the other person deserved it. There was the explosion and then the mental framework afterwards to avoid guilt, avoid owning the shame that was mine. That's how I stayed so foolish for so long, so immature, refusing to learn over and over - sacrificing who I was supposed to be to keep a pristine ego. But that pain, that realization, when I let it in, was more school than any classroom ever was. If I kept on being angry, how could I love anyone right? How could I begin to love myself, yet alone have someone love me?  
But at that age, and throughout my teens, I never thought about my anger like that. I never thought that it would make other people look at me differently. I always thought my anger was justifiable; there was always a reason. Whether I could identify that reason or not was a different story, but I knew deep down that no one could get angry for no reason, including myself.  
But the one thing, the only thing, that ever soothed my anger like ice on a flaming sore was Regina. Yes, the girl next door...even if she didn’t know it.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	5. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

I would like to tell you that over those first couple of years after Regina moved in, that she and I became best friends. But the truth is we weren’t. We still lived next to each other and I don’t even have enough hands to count how many times I wanted to speak to her but didn’t. 

She was three years older than me and thought I was the most annoying kid in the entire world. I didn’t hear her say it, but she might as well have. She would always ignore me like the plague in school and outside of school. And she had a boyfriend that would always be giving me the side eye whenever I saw them together. But I guess in hindsight I was the one giving him the side eye, because little did I know, I was into girls back then. But not just any girl. One girl. His girl. Regina.

She just never saw me in the same way. I mean, why would she? She was straight. She was older. And she had a boyfriend. I wish I had known the end of our story before it started. That way, I wouldn’t have forced myself into her world. I wouldn’t have forced her to like me. I would have saved myself the heartache.  
But it started in the summer of 2005, a year after my parents’ death, the year I would become seventeen years old. Regina was a cocktail server and waitress at the local restaurant (in one of the shops that were along the strip of local-owned businesses closer to town), and I was still the school girl next door that she resented. We hadn’t even ever had a conversation together that lasted more than a few seconds. So I had no idea where I got the idea that she would even be the least bit interested in me.

On this warm summer day, I remember staring at my ceiling once again, with a hundred thoughts flashing across the forefront of my mind. Maybe she knows who I am… Actually, probably not.   
I remember days where I was in school and saw her walking down the hallway towards me, and I would always hold my head down low, scared to meet her eyes...or rather scared that she would meet mine. Every single time it happened I would blush and suddenly become swarmed with butterflies. It was impossible to get her off my mind. I thought about a hundred thoughts a day and she was ninety-nine of them. I understood that she would never be mine. And that was fine. It just left me broken inside.

We were like two completely different people. We didn’t have much in common. And so I didn’t have much hope that the fantasies I had about her while sleeping at night would actually come true.  
The one thing -the only thing- I knew for sure that we did have in common though, was death. Or rather, our understanding of death.  
I lost my parents through death. And she had just lost her boyfriend from a terrible motorbike accident earlier that summer. And from what I had seen and heard, it was eating her up alive. She would stay at home sitting on the roof for hours on end just staring out at the sky until it was dark. It seemed she had lost all purpose. And, as creepy as it sounds, I would stay up for hours with her...watching her at a distance from my window of course, because I didn't have the courage to make my presence known just yet. 

Sometimes, when she left her curtains open, I could even see through into her bedroom, where she recently hung up a large photo of her boyfriend’s grave. It was an exact replica of Daniel’s actual grave. Like, really, if I were to walk down to the graveyard on the edge of town, it would be the exact design and words inscribed in the gravestone. Regina kept him that close even after his death. And she was so broken that she couldn’t be bothered to walk down to his gravesite to pay him a visit most days, she kept the image of his grave on her wall. That way, he would always be with her, and she would always be with him.  
The gravestone read, “To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” 

It took me a moment to understand what those words meant. I never really did figure it out because, strangely, every time I read it, it held a different meaning.  
No other photos were on her walls from what I could see, which almost made it that much more sad.

My eyes finally left my ceiling and I got up from my bed to walk over to my window. It was late, and that night was one of those nights where just the thought of Regina kept me from sleeping. As I reached my window and slowly pulled back the curtain, I saw the expected. Regina sitting alone on her slanted roof, knees pulled into her chest as she stared up at the stars, unblinking.   
I knew she basically hated me, but I hoped in the back of my mind that I could provide her with some sort of comfort if I tried. It killed me to see her like that.  
I sighed as I let go of the curtain and walked back to my bed. I sat on the edge of the right side and grabbed my phone, doing the same thing I did almost every day since her Daniel’s death – try to figure out what exactly happened. I mean, the incident was on the news but there wasn’t much details, not as much as I wanted anyways. In other words, what I mean to say is, I was basically stalking a dead guy, feeling envious of him because he was all Regina thought about. And I wanted her to think about me, not him.

It’s fucked up, I know. But that’s just how I felt. I was obsessed with her.

Google search: Daniel Stables Boston accident

As I clicked ‘enter’ on the search bar on my phone, the same thing I had been seeing for the past few weeks came up again. No new news. Just the same:  
'Teenager identified as victim in fatal interstate accident'  
The teenager killed on the Palisades Interstate has been identified...   
Daniel Stables, 19, died on impact.  
BOSTON – Classes at Boston High School were suspended on Wednesday after a former quarterback of the Boston High School, Daniel Stables, lost control of his bike and hit a rock barrier. According to state police, he died on the spot.   
A three-star quarterback prospect with pro-potential, Stables’ high school coach, Mr. Gold, remembered him as “one of the smartest, kindest, and most talented student athletes I’ve ever come across.”

After that search of reading the same words over and over again and seeing the same photos of him in his football gear, I would then go over to Daniel’s Instagram page. There, I would waste precious minutes of my life scrolling through a bunch of photos, and pausing every once in a while when I would stumble upon a picture of Regina. Even though I had already seen the same picture a thousand times before, I would still spend an unnecessary amount of time just staring at her. Her beauty captivated me. Plus, for some reason, the pictures on Daniels’ Instagram meant something deeper now that he was actually gone.  
\-----  
Getting over my fear of talking to Regina wasn’t easy. But the night that I finally decided to do it was the night the end of my life began.  
I remember it being a Friday. I came home from soccer practice pretty late, later than I usually came home. And after having dinner with my brother and his friends, I noticed Regina up on her roof again.   
I didn’t know if it was the food Neal cooked that gave me the confidence or what. He was a pretty good cook and could make anything taste good, but something about dinner that night made me feel confident enough to talk to the girl I had been stalking for the last four years.  
Now or never, I guess. 

I snuck out of my window and made my way over to hers. There was a ladder conveniently placed at the side of our house that was close to my window. It made it easier to sneak out when I needed to, because sometimes I just couldn’t be bothered to deal with Neal’s questions about where I was going. 

I snuck into Regina’s yard and expertly climbed up onto her roof as if I had been doing it for years. Eventually she saw me approaching her. The beautiful brunette stared at me with a fierceness until I got within just centimeters of her, but I could see the slight sadness behind those untamed mocha brown eyes. I sat down next to her and looked up at the sky, trying to figure out what she’d been staring at for the last couple of weeks. “You know…he was a great guy. Now, granted, I didn’t like him very much, but I knew he loved you.” Which is why I didn’t like him very much.   
Regina sighed in annoyance and immediately created a metaphorical barrier that I couldn’t see through. It was as if all the emotions that I had seen while stalking her, were suddenly hidden from me. She had quickly built up her walls, because to her, I was still a stranger. “Why are you here Swan?” She looked towards me and I met her eyes. 

“I figured you didn’t wanna be alone anymore.” I said full of uncertainty, second-guessing if this was a good idea.

“What if I like being alone?” She looked back up at the sky. 

“Let me rephrase that, I figured you didn’t wanna be lonely anymore. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Two different mentalities.”  
There was a long pause.

“Are you lonely, Emma?” Her voice was softer, no longer the infamous former-cheerleader trying to hide the fact that she had emotions other than being chirpy. Also, it was the first time I had ever heard her call me by my first name. It sparked something deep inside me - a feeling that I never wanted to let go of.

“Are you?” I wanted her to speak on it first. 

Before she spoke, I noticed her eyes growing wet as if she was about to cry. But I could also see that she didn’t want to cry in front of me. “I've been lonely my whole life.” She muttered. And from the face she made immediately after, I could tell that she didn’t mean to say that aloud.

Scooting close to her, I took her hands in mine. “So have I.” I wanted to wipe her tears away but feared I may have crossed a line. After a while of battling with my instincts in my head, I did it anyway. “We don’t have to be lonely anymore Regina.”


	6. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

Several nights had gone by where I didn’t see nor speak to Regina. Night one was the worst because I was left in a place where I didn’t know what was happening, or if there was anything that I should have been doing. I mean, why isn’t there a guide to this kind of thing?

After the third night of not seeing her, I began to think that maybe she was ignoring me. Her bedroom lights would go off at exactly 9:31pm every night for the past five nights. And she didn’t climb out onto her roof either. So it was a surprise to me when I finally saw her tonight, night six.

She looked sad. I mean she always looked sad, but tonight she looked super sad. And it was moments like these that I wished I could read her mind.  
Where do you go to? Why do you go? What are your colors? What are your moods? To see you, I turn. To know you, I burn.

I pouted at her through my window, even though I was sure she couldn’t see me. I looked at her for a while, just thinking. And her sadness gave me an idea. I smiled before reaching for my phone and walking out of my room, down the stairs, and out of the house. Neal wasn’t home yet, so I didn’t have to worry about him asking me where I was going. I stepped off the veranda and followed the narrow path from my stone walkway to the concrete sidewalk, then to Regina’s front yard. The moment I stepped onto her driveway I could feel her eyes on me. I didn’t bother looking up though, just in case she rejected me with only her eyes even before I could climb up next to her.

So, I walked over to the oddly shaped apple tree in her front yard and started to climb up it until my arms could reach the roof. I stretched over to the wooden railing, holding a tight grip before my other arm swung up to meet it. I pulled myself up until both knees were safely on the slightly slanted slate. And only then did I meet Regina’s eyes.

I stood, still with my eyes on hers, and walked over to her. “Hey.” I said softly, sitting probably way too close next to her.

She expressed a small smile but didn't verbally respond. I smiled just from that small response she gave me. It was better than nothing. I then followed her gaze out to the night sky and sighed softly before I asked, “Where have you been?” It’s been a week since I last saw her. And though my question probably seemed too invasive, I still wanted to know.

She didn’t respond. I could see that she wanted to shrug, but the muscles in her shoulders must have been too tight. And you know what, I got it. I don’t know why I thought she would suddenly feel compelled to talk to me about her feelings. We barely knew each other. I caught her in a vulnerable place the last time I was on this roof with her. It was easier for me to intrude and for her to be more open because I was a stranger in her eyes. And often, it’s easier to talk to a stranger than it is to talk to someone you know when you’re going through a hard time. 

I watched her for a moment longer in silence, my eyes shifting between her and the night’s sky. Her hands were hugging her knees tightly, so tightly that if she were to let go of them, it would leave a mark. There were bags underneath her eyes, really visible ones. It was as if there were a boatload of tears built up in them. Her cheeks were blotchy, and honestly, so was her entire face. It was clear that she had been crying. But even through all that, she was still the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on.

Understanding that she was in no true mood to share, I eventually decided to give up on conversation all together, and just talk. It was up to her whether or not she wanted to listen, “You know, when my parents died… it took me a long time to get over it.” That seemed to get her attention.

“Well, you never really get over it but... you heal,” I said and turned to look her in the eyes, “I’ve never lost anyone that I’ve loved romantically. Nor have I ever had a break-up, I haven’t ever even had a relationship. But I can sympathize. I know that it’s hard, but you do heal. And I know this because I am kinda speaking from experience, having lost both my parents.”  
Her eyes shifted away from mine for a moment. “You’re healed? How did you do it?”

“It’s sort of a process. Ask me again in ten years.” I attempted to laugh but it didn’t seem appropriate, so I stopped. Regina’s solid expression didn’t break.   
“How can you be so infuriatingly optimistic?” she asked.

“I’ve had a lot of loss in my life.” I said, a breathy sigh behind my tone of voice. “I guess I just got used to it. I sort of have to. Because, if I don’t, well… then I know things will never get better… My mom taught me that.”

She looked at me again, her eyes digging into mine so intensely that I felt I had to look away.

I pulled my phone out and used my thumb to unlock it. I searched for my playlist as I distracted her with my voice, “Music helps. Not all the time, but it does work most times for me at least.” I found the selected playlist I was hoping to find and shifted my phone screen to her view slightly. “It could work for you too.”

I pushed the phone further towards her and she hesitantly took it, allowing her eyes to run over the songs. I watched her.

“James Arthur? Do you want me to suffer more?” She eventually asked in a scoff-like tone.  
I tried not to smile but I did anyway. “Suffering? That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?” I asked.

“Well, if I weren’t suffering already, he certainly would do the job.” She said, handing the phone back to me.

I took it and laughed underneath my breath as I waited for her eyes to look back my way. “It only works if you put your earphones in, close your eyes, and stay completely still.” I said, bringing my legs even further into my chest, as if they weren’t already painfully digging into my ribs. “It’s like meditating...you’re forced to really listen to the words of the songs in that state. And it’s like you’re in a completely different world, a whole new form of grieving. It’s peaceful…And it makes me cry sometimes, which is totally okay. Because sometimes you just need a really good cry and music can help with that.” 

Regina blinked really slowly, as if she was imagining doing it as I spoke. When she opened her eyes again, they trailed over my face, lingering particularly longer on my lips, before they shifted back to the night’s sky.  
I smiled, or blushed, or grinned in a weirdly flirty way before following her gaze.

The sky was the most beautiful art that night, alive with a raw energy, a song for the eyes. At times I felt as if I could feel it vibrating somehow, whispering in a way the ears could not hear. I guess it felt friendly when the world of people felt so devoid of love. I supposed that's why Regina always sat out on her roof staring up at it. It was her form of grieving.

“That’s funny,” she eventually said. And I had to rethink my previous statement that made her give that response. I looked towards her, feeding her my attention. “What is?”

She hesitated for a moment before she spoke, “My mom and dad used to sing a song to me when I was little, when I would get teary…It was called ‘Big Girls, They Don’t Cry.’ It was the same lyric over and over. They would sing and laugh and clap their hands. They were trying to distract me, I guess, from whatever was making me upset. But it only made me frustrated, I thought they were mocking me and my tears.” She said softly, “By the time I was eight, I embraced that refrain as a way of life. Don’t cry. Don’t show anyone you hurt……I guess I’ve failed. And over a boy too, how ridiculous is that?”

You loved him. And he loved you. It’s alright to cry when he’s moved on, I wanted to say. But I kept quiet.

I stared at her as I let her words float around in my head. As I watched her, I thought I witnessed the slightest tear building up in her eyes and lingering just on the edge of her bottom lash. But before I could say anything, she was turning away from me and getting up.

“Um, I’m tired. I think I’m just gonna head to bed.” She said, back facing me as she got up and started to walk towards her bedroom window. “You should go home, it’s late.”  
“Ah, yeah-sure.” I said through my confusion. 

“It was nice hanging out with you.” She said, and I could hear the cry in her voice without seeing those tears I knew were rolling down her face.  
“Yeah...I’ll see you later, I guess.”

Her words struck me. For the first time in my entire life, I learnt what it felt like to be envious of heartbreak. I had never felt the type of pain one gets from the loss of a romantic partnership. But on that night, I so badly wanted to know what it felt like, because I was so obsessed with relating to her. I wanted her pain to be my pain. I wanted her to feel like I knew what she was feeling. I wanted her to confide in me. I wanted it all. I even imagined her one day looking into my eyes and instead of breaking she would call me ‘mine’. It was silly, I know. But that’s the reason this part of my life is called, ‘Desperate’.  
\-----  
I walked back home that night and stood by my window, waiting for Regina’s bedroom light to go off. I was never one for subtlety, so I stood at my window, watching hers with the curtains pulled back shamelessly.  
9:31pm  
9:32pm  
9:33pm…9:41pm, and her light was still on.  
I decided to grab my phone and send her a link to my playlist on my Spotify account.

A few seconds went by before I saw her head pop up at the corner of her window to check that I was there. And it’s as if she fully expected me to be standing there too. I automatically smiled. She looked at me strangely before I saw her look down at her phone and started typing.

Regina: “Music to suffer to” playlist??

I grinned before typing back.

Me: You wanted to suffer, didn’t you? I think it’s the perfect title.

I looked up just in time to see the exact moment she got the message. And a wider smile than the one she had given me earlier, graced her face. Just the sight of that had my insides churning to pure mush.  
Regina: Thank you, Emma.

I looked up after reading her message, and she smiled at me one last time before disappearing into her room. That was the second time she had called me by my first name. It felt good. It felt like she truly knew me. And I felt like we were getting a tiny bit closer to the possibility of those fantasies I was talking about earlier.

I watched Regina’s lit window for several moments more until the light finally went out, signalling the end of another day.  
\---

\--Music To Suffer To Playlist--  
Catie Turner - Gets Better  
Lauren Daigle - You Say  
Natalie Taylor - Surrender  
James Arthur - Train Wreck  
Skeeter Davis - The End Of The World  
SadBoyProlific - Gone But Not Forgotten (ft. Mishaal & Monty Datta)  
Powfu - death bed (coffee for your head)ft. beabadoobee  
Lewis Capaldi - Bruises  
Powfu x Ouse - Dead Eyes  
XXXTENTACION - Everybody Dies In Their Nightmares  
XXXTENTACION - before I close my eyes  
Cole Swindell - You Should Be Here  
Isak Danielson - Broken  
Duncan Laurence - Arcade   
Hollywood Undead - Bullet  
A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera - Fall On Me  
A Great Big World - You'll Be Okay  
Timmies (ft. Shiloh)- tell me why i'm waiting   
Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover  
Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler - you were good to me  
Tate McRae - One day

\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all you accuracy police out there, we are fully aware that some of Spotify didn’t really exist yet and that the songs on this playlist do not match up with the timeline. But for storytelling and fluidity’s sake, please pardon it. Thank you!


	7. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

Days went by. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was supposed to text Regina first or if I was supposed to wait for her to text me. I wasn’t even sure if we were supposed to text each other at all. Seriously, someone should really make a guidebook for this stuff.

I had seen her around but it was much of the same as it had always been whenever I saw her in my previous years. She would just look at me for a slight second, her expression unreadable, before she turned her attention to something else.

At the point of sending her my playlist, I had already seemed desperate. So if I had texted her after the playlist, I would have seemed like I was even more desperate for her attention than I wanted to give off.  
But like I said before, I was never one to be subtle. So I ended up doing it anyway...

Me: U suffering yet?

I waited for almost four hours before I got a response.

Regina: You have no idea.

Me: Ur Welcome

I smiled as I sent the text message. And I imagined her doing the same, but given her very faint facial expressions sometimes, I didn’t expect it.

Regina: Your taste in music is very strange.

Me: My taste in music isn’t the only thing that’s strange.

Regina: I probably shouldn’t have laughed when I heard Hollywood Undead’s Bullet, but I did.

Me: Don’t worry, I did too.

Regina: Not all of these are depressing though.

Me: No?

I waited for her to text me back. And as I did, I wondered what she was going to say. I did intentionally add a few songs in the playlist that weren’t as depressing. But there was one that I had hoped that she would listen to - not just hear it, but really listen to the words...my words, words I wished I could tell her myself.

I sat in my room with sweaty hands and a racing heart, wondering and hoping that whatever she was going to say wouldn’t completely shut me down. She eventually texted back.

Regina: No. Tate McRae’s One day is quite… loud. Is there a reason you decided to add that one? Are you trying to tell me something?

Me: Isn’t it obvious?

Regina: Should it be?

Me: To anyone who has ears and eyes, yes.

She waited a while before typing...

Regina: Are you saying that you like me, Emma?

Me: If you wanna phrase it like that, then yes. Absolutely.

Me: And I know you’re still hurting over Daniel, and that it’s way too soon, and that you probably don’t like me back in the same way or like me at all, but I just thought you should know. We can give this as much time as you want...if you want. But I just think you’re really beautiful, and really cool. And I’m gonna shut up now because you might not even be into girls like that, or me for that matter.

Me: And I totally get it if you don’t respond. I’ll have my answer.

I pinched the bridge of my nose firmly after sending those messages. I wanted so badly to unsend them because of how needy it made me sound. I could feel my heart rate rising and a cold sweat began to spread across my forehead as a familiar heat rose in the back of my neck, up to my ears, and into my cheeks. I would have been forever embarrassed if she texted back that she wasn’t into girls like that, or worse, if she didn’t text back at all. After a while of waiting, sitting in my bed in the dark, I saw an illuminated light suddenly flick on just outside my window, the window that faced Regina’s bedroom. Just as I was about to get up to see why her bedroom light was suddenly on, my phone vibrated with another text message.

Regina: Come to your window.

I switched my bedside table lamp on and it rattled. It was one of those cheap ones you get from a garage sale selling overpriced and undervalued items. It was a gift for my eleventh birthday from my parents.  
I crawled off my bed and I walked to the window to see Regina standing there with her phone in hand. My breath nearly stopped when I saw the way she was looking at me, the way her eyes shimmered in the moonlight, and the slight upward curve that graced her face. Her hair was tied up in a high ponytail. And she was wearing one of her usual ‘scheduled’ pajamas (She always had a thing with schedules and order; always needing a routine). What I mean by this is that she had seven different pajama sets, one for each day of the week. I only knew this because I spent years admiring her from my bedroom window…in the least creepy way possible. Anyways, the one she had on now was the grey polka-square patterned silk shorts with the matching tank top. It hung loosely on her body but also accentuated her unbelievable figure. She wasn’t wearing a bra either, and I could see the imprints of her cold nipples standing to attention.  
I swallowed, hard, and my body trembled in reaction to the sight of her.

Regina: I always thought you were strange whenever I caught you looking at me in the school halls and watching me through my window and stuff, but I never thought you were into me like that. I just thought you were weird.

Me: Ahh…thanks?

I looked up at her as I sent the message. I saw her smile and frown at the same time. Which, by the way, is an incredibly difficult thing to do.

Regina: Sorry. I don’t mean it in a bad way.

Me: It’s cool, cause I am weird. And I have had a crush on you ever since you moved next door.

I could feel myself blushing, and I was sure she could see it too.

Regina: You do know that it’s been four years, right?

Me: I know. I was just too scared to approach you.

Regina: So what’s changed?

Me: I don’t know. I guess I got tired of not being the one to make you smile all the time.

Regina: And you think you’re so funny that you can make me smile all the time?

Me: There’s no harm in trying. 

Me: See…

Regina looked up at me, slightly confused at my last text. I smirked and winked at her, and although I internally cringed at myself right after I did that, it made her smile.

Me: Told you. 

Regina let out a soft laugh as she read the two words I just sent her. And suddenly I didn’t feel so desperate anymore. Because I had gotten what I had always wanted. The attention of the girl next door.  
And that was the first thing I accomplished on my short ‘Regina’ checklist.

– Checklist –  
☒Attention  
☐Heart  
☐Mind  
☐Soul  
☐Spirituality  
☐Body(optional because I don’t mind waiting forever if it means I’ll someday get to have her for the rest of my life)  
☐Forever

\-----

Regina never really showed that much interest in me at first. She would often entertain my bad flirting but she never really flirted back. I used to question if that was because I was trying too hard, or whether it was if she just wasn’t that into me. 

Nevertheless, I always used to shoot my shot, despite how cringe I often sounded and felt. I also always used to ask her to hang out somewhere other than on her roof, but she always said she was busy doing something, even when I knew she wasn’t. It got to the point where it was embarrassing. It’s honestly hard to relive.

“Do you wanna see a movie this weekend?” I asked her.

It was a Thursday and all I remember about that day is how cold it was for a summer day. Regina and I were sitting on the stairs of her front porch staring out to the street, where the neighborhood kids were kicking a blow-up balloon around, pretending it was a ball. I remember Regina and I having the best time laughing at them every time one of the kids tried to kick the balloon really hard, but it barely moved and they got frustrated.

Her smile slowly faded before she turned to look at me and answered, “I don’t think I can.” 

“You got other plans?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but just pretending to be polite.

“No, I just have a ton of stuff to do.” She said.

I forced a smile and looked back out to the street, trying to hide the fact that my heart was breaking.  
\-----  
“Um, the first soccer game is this Saturday night, if you wanna go. Not that I care, but um…we usually pre-game and everyone goes. So…if you wanna go with me, it should be cool…” I tried to ask a different way this time. This was an entire week after the first time I asked. And I was hoping that if it didn’t sound too much like a question, she would actually say yes. But it didn’t work.

“That sounds fun, but I can’t. Another time though.” She said.

I nodded and faked another smile. But she must have seen right through it because I heard her sigh, “I’m sorry”. And it made me turn to look at her. Her eyes were closed and she took in a deep breath before she opened them to look at me. “I used to be good at socializing. I mean, I used to do it all the time. Going out, partying all night, spent my mornings either hungover or still drunk…sometimes both. Had a lot of friends too.”

“What changed?” I asked.

“I guess I stopped seeing the point. Sometimes it’s just easier to slip into your own dark abyss and forget the world exists,” she said, “It’s like… sometimes I feel like her – the girl who used to socialise all the time. But this is who I am now - the girl who doesn’t.”

“Yeah, I see her in you sometimes,” I said, not sure what else to say, “It’s like flashes of this girl that you used to be. But was she an act, and you’re more yourself now? Or is the Regina that I know now an act until you feel comfortable being yourself again?”

“I don’t know. People change. There’s no way you’re the same person you were when you were 13.”

I lost all confidence to ask her out again after that conversation. I started to think that if she hadn’t said yes for the last two times, she would never say yes. But at the same time, I started to think of how badly Daniel’s death must have affected her life. Of how ruined she must have felt inside to shut everyone out of her life. Of how broken she must have felt to the point where she didn’t want to let anyone else in.  
Another two weeks had gone by before I worked up enough gut to ask her again. And this time, you may be thinking, she would finally say yes because of how persistent I had been. Or maybe you think she would say yes because she felt bad for me. But none of these were the case.

I remember it being around 4:30pm on a Thursday, when I stopped by Regina’s work to see her. I didn’t know what I would say when she would ask what I was doing there. But I planned to just act as if I was a paying customer, which in hindsight was stupid because I wasn’t even at the legal age to drink. In fact, I was far from it.

Nonetheless, I walked into the restaurant and strolled over to the bar. Momentarily, I saw Regina walking out from the back with her handbag on her shoulder, ready to end her shift. She stopped when she saw me, “Emma? What are you doing here?”

“Hey, um, I just-ah…I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay…What is it?” She asked, playing with her keys as she started to slowly walk to the exit. I followed her out.

“It’s just…some of my friends are hosting this summer party tomorrow night. And…”

Regina made a face even before I could finish what I had to say.

“A-and it doesn’t have to be like a big thing. Like, it doesn’t have to be a date or whatever. You don’t even have to really talk to anyone.” I tried to negotiate.

“No, that’s not why.” She sighed.

“I think it could…maybe be um, just fun. It’d be good for you to kinda get back to doing old Regina things.”

“Oh, is the new Regina not good enough for you or…?” She suddenly mood-shifted, throwing me completely the fuck off. I had never seen her this snappy before.

“No, no, no. That’s-that’s not what I meant. No, I think um…” I was so shell-shocked that I didn’t know what to say. I was internally panicking. “Um…”

“I just, I’m busy. But have fun.” She said, then walked away far too quickly for me to fully comprehend that she was actually walking away.

I took a moment to collect myself before I ran after her. “Regina, wait. I-It’s fine, I get it. If you don’t wanna be seen with me, or you just genuinely don’t wanna go with me, it’s fine. I-” I caught up to her and gently pulled on her shoulder for her to stop. Now, what I did expect was for her to do was stop, but what I did not expect was for her to swiftly turn around and kiss me…which she did.

It shut me up. But it also confused me.

A short moment later, she pulled away, and I opened my eyes and only saw a fraction of her face for a brief second, before she turned and started walking away again. For that brief second though, I saw that she was crying. And I had no idea why. To this day, I still don’t know.

That’s the thing you should know about Regina. A lot of ‘whys’ surround her. And you rarely get an answer to them.

I started running after her again when the initial shock of her kiss thawed away. “What was that?” She didn’t answer, and so I asked again. “Regina, why did you just kiss me?”

She stopped. And I caught up to her and stood in front of her. Her eyes were closed and tears were running down her face. It’s as if she was hiding like a ghost, but in plain sight.

“Because I like you. But I don’t want to.” She whispered as if it was something to be ashamed about.

“You don’t want to like me?”

She opened her eyes. “No. I don’t.” She pushed past me and started walking again. And I, like a lost puppy, continued tailing her.

“Please let me understand. Can you at least let me walk you home?” I attempted to touch her, but she pulled away as if she had been burnt.

“No, please. Please stop, Emma. Leave me alone, please. You don’t want this.”

“I don’t want what?” I asked.

“Me,” she said.

“Why?”

“Because I’m fucked up, okay?!” She shouted, stopping in the middle of the curb again. “I’m a mess, and you won’t want to deal with me.”

“Tha-that’s okay..”

“No, it’s not! It’s not when you realize that I’m not something you can just fucking fix.” 

She walked away again after that. And this time, I let her. I watched as she stormed off down the sidewalk, furiously wiping the tears from her face and sniffling. I had no understanding of how much Regina was struggling mentally. I always assumed that most of it was just her way of dealing with Daniel’s death. But knowing in that moment that I was a part of it, crushed me. I mean, I was glad to hear that she kind of liked me back in the same way that I liked her. But I never wanted it to feel like… guilt. I never wanted to feel like I was hurting her. And that is all I felt from that day on.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	8. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

I gave Regina a day by herself, where I didn’t see nor speak to her. I wanted to give her space to collect herself. But one day was enough for me. Selfish, I know, but I needed to make sure she was doing okay, aside from all the other bullshit that was going on in her head.

Tonight was like any other night where she was sitting on her roof. And I took it upon myself to join her.

“M-mind if I join you?” I asked timidly after climbing up on her roof, as if she was going to reject me after I had made all that effort of climbing.

She nodded then looked back up to the night sky.

I carefully walked over to her and sat next to a half-empty mug that looked like it had coffee in it. The smell reeked. I looked up from the cup to her face as I asked, “You were drinking coffee this late?”   
She looked down at the cup then looked at me. “Yeah.”

“Why?” I asked, “It’ll keep you up. Don’t you need to sleep?”

“It’s fine. I hardly sleep anyways.” She said groggily, as if tired.

I grabbed the cup. “You don’t need this,” I said as I threatened to throw what was left of it over the roof onto the ground.

“Don’t,” she said.

I smiled at her in hopes of getting one back but she just rolled her eyes and said, “I’m serious. Don’t play with me.” I kept the smile on my face as I slowly tilted the mug over further and further. “I mean it Emma.”

“What?” I played dumb.

“Just don’t start with me.”

“What am I going to start? All I said was-”

“I don’t care, okay? You shouldn’t care either.”

“Sorry.” I said after getting the sense that she was in no mood for jokes. I brought the cup back over to her, not directly giving it to her, and not putting it within her reach either. “But I do care.”

She sighed, “Emma…I really don’t need this conversation right n-”

“Well I do, Regina. And I think I deserve at least that after the other day.” I interrupted her. She kissed me, I at least get to ask questions. “Why can’t you sleep?”

“I didn’t say I can’t sleep. I said I hardly sleep.” I waited for her to continue but she only sighed, “I don’t know…”

“So…since you don’t sleep you drink coffee?” I asked, “How does that help?”

“I told you not to care,” she mumbled.

“And I told you that I do,” I said, then asked, “Why don’t you want me caring?”

“Because you shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

She shook her head. “Just forget it.”

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I asked, genuinely conflicted.

“I am talking to you.” She said, trying to be smart.

“You know what I mean, Regina.”

She took a moment to stare at me before she looked away. “Why should I?” She looked back at me. “Why should I tell you anything?”

“Because I care.”

She chuckled slightly. And it was the kind of chuckle a mom would make after you said something stupid, the kind of chuckle that would alert you whenever she was about to start throwing anything within her reach at you.  
“That’s the problem. You shouldn’t care.” Regina said.

I tilted my head. “Why not?”

“Because no one should care about someone who doesn’t care about themselves.”

I paused, thinking we were finally going somewhere with this conversation. “You don’t care about yourself?” I asked. But she fell quiet. And we stayed that way for a long time before I decided to say, “Why do I care? I care because I’m a caring person.”

“You really shouldn’t. It’ll be best.” She mumbled.

“Regina, please talk to me. I mean, I know that I’m pretty much a stranger to you but...right now, it looks like I’m the best you’ve got. And I would like to make sense of this because you’re not really making any sense right now,” I said, my voice as soft as I could make it.

“I never do. I’m complicated. That’s why it’s best if you stop all of this and just leave.”

“I’m not leaving. I won’t leave you up here by yourself to wallow in whatever you’re dealing with. Cause no matter how much people say it, no one likes to be lonely,” I said.

“It’s not like I invited you. I was doing just fine on my own. You don’t need to be here, and quite frankly I don’t want you here.” Her mouth was saying everything she wanted me to feel, but her heart was saying something completely different. I knew that no matter what she said, she needed someone to be there for her now more than ever. So I stayed there and just looked at her, silently.

“I care too much to walk away.” I said after some time. “I know that you think you don’t need anyone and that’s fine. But I’m gonna be here either way. I want to know what’s causing you problems and what’s stopping you from sleeping at night.”

“It’s too much.” She said, shaking her head.

“What’s too much, Regina?” I asked, “This?” I motioned between us.

“Everything you’re doing is too much. You’re going to get yourself hurt, or I might be the one to hurt myself.”

“Hurt yourself, how?”

“Hurting myself by actually caring.”

“What if it’s worth it?” I asked, “What if it’s worth getting hurt by someone you care about?”  
She narrowed her eyes at me, and I could see the tears building up in them. “When is it ever worth it? When is pain or anxiety or depression ever worth it? Tell me, Emma. I want to know.”

“It doesn’t always have to be about pain. Sometimes you have to put your heart on the line and be strong enough to allow someone to come and change it.”  
She looked down. “Nobody can help me.”

“You won’t let anyone try, Regina. Let someone inside your head and see where it leads.”

She looked up at me again, her eyes completely glossed over now. “What if it gets broken, again? What if I let someone in and they completely shatter everything inside of me by leaving me behind?” She asked. 

I shuffled slightly closer as I said, “You won’t know unless you try.” I watched as she looked elsewhere, but I gently pinched her chin to reorient her eyes in my direction. “Please, Regina. Let me inside.”

“I have to warn you. You don’t wanna get involved with me, Emma. You really don’t,” she said. And as she said it, a lonesome tear fell directly from her lower lashes to her lap.

“You’ve said that a thousand times,” I said.

“If you knew me--”

“Scary.” I interrupted.

“Emma--”

“And damaged.” I finished.

“If you knew me… if you knew my family… if I told you the stories of things that have happened to me that makes me this way..that makes me messed up, the scary and damaged may actually be more than you can handle.”

I paused and glanced down, then looked back up to meet her soft gaze as I said, “I’ve been starved more times in my life than I can count, because my parents weren’t that fortunate... We’ve nearly lost our house countless times… When my parents died, I didn’t think I could ever get past it because...because they were everything to me and I didn’t want to let go of that… The rest of my family - family from my parents’ side- I don’t get along with, I doubt they even know I still exist. I don’t have a lot of friends or people that I’m super close to - I’m a bit of a loner. My brother is my best friend. Most nights, I cry myself to sleep because I trick myself into thinking I have no one who’s there for me. I’m not great when it comes to apologizing because it physically hurts. I don’t do well with people telling me what to do because I don’t like to be bossed around. I’ve had a lot of surgeries and stitches from getting in fights all the time. And I’ve been told by a lot of people that I’ve had an anger issue since the age of nine.” All of that seemed to come out in one breath. I let out a heavy sigh before I continued, making sure to look Regina dead in the eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m thinking my luck is beginning to change because I have you sitting in front of me. And right now, this is all I want. Cause you like my dumb playlist, and you like to smile at my corny jokes...even when their not that funny. And I don’t feel so alone when I’m with you. And you have the ability to make my day that is usually full of darkness, so much brighter.”

Regina looked down and seemed to be feeling sorry for me. Instead of pulling her face back up to look at me this time, I leaned my head down to force my face into her view. “I never said I wasn’t scary and damaged too,” I said softly, “So please, let me in.”

She stared at me, and I stared at her. Our eyes locked onto each other and for the first time I was certain that she truly trusted me.

“Okay…” She whispered, barely. I smiled and she pushed her face forward simultaneously so that her forehead was now resting against mine. I thought she was going to kiss me but she didn’t. “I’ll try…under one condition.”

I waited for her ‘condition.’

“Don’t ask me any questions,” she said, “Let me tell you if I ever feel like telling you. Just don’t ask, okay?”

“Okay.”  
\-----

After that day, no one could get me off the phone with Regina. Not even the people I called my friends. I made sure she woke up every morning with a good morning text. And she made sure that I never went to bed at night without a few ‘xoxo’s and a smiling emoji. My heart fluttered every single time I would get one. 

She wasn’t my girlfriend or anything...not yet anyways. But it sure felt like it. She would always be outside on her Varinder most mornings to walk me to school before she headed to work. It was like we had created a system. And I loved it because I always walked into school smiling and walked out smiling, because I knew who I was looking forward to seeing at the start and end of each and every day.

“You’re out of work early today!” I acknowledged as I stepped out of school with my gym bag hanging from my shoulder. I saw Regina leaning against her father’s car that was parked on the opposite side of the street. “What are you doing here?” I asked as I walked across the street to meet her.

“I got off early and was eager to see you, so I thought I’d come pick you up and we could go get ice-cream or something,” she said. 

“Awww, that sounds lovely,” I cooed to hide my very obvious blush. 

She kicked off the car as I reached her and giggled as we met for a hug.

“You smell amazing,” I said as we pulled apart.

“Thank you,” she smiled, “You smell like cigarettes.”

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

“I’m joking. You smell great, like roses but sweeter. And I like roses,” she laughed softly.

“Yeah, yeah, alright.” I rolled my eyes again playfully. “Um, as I was saying, it sounds really lovely and thanks but-ah…I have soccer practice.”

“Oh,” she said disappointedly.

“Yeah, I sorta have to go back in because practice is gonna start shortly. I came out here cause I saw you from my classroom window and didn’t want you to wait,” I explained.

“Well, I mean, I don’t mind waiting… I could stay and watch you play,” she suggested.

“You’d wanna do that? It is kinda boring if you’re just gonna watch.”

“I don’t mind. If you’re any good at it, I’m sure I’ll be entertained,” she said through a small chuckle.

“Okay then,” I laughed nervously, “Sure, come on.” I gestured for her to follow me inside the school, maneuvering through eager bodies who were barging past us to get out. She allowed me to hold her hand as I led her through the corridors on our way, as if she didn’t already know the school like the back of her hand, as if she didn’t only leave these very grounds just over two years ago. 

A lot of inquisitive eyes followed us all the way through the school until we got to the soccer field. A few bodies were already lingering around on the open field at that point but practice hadn’t started yet. I led Regina over to the stands and told her she could sit wherever she liked, while I went to get changed really quickly.

Most of the friends I kept during that period of my life were from my soccer team. I wasn’t the type of girl to hang around the girls very much, I was more prone to hang with the boys. And a huge part of that was probably because I was so used to hanging out with my brother and his male friends. But it was also because the girls in my school kind of intimidated me. Not because of anything particular that they did, but it was just a feeling I felt when I was around them. I wasn’t as comfortable with girl-friends as I was with boy-friends.

However, the girls on my soccer team were the exception. There was Mulan, Merida, and Gretel. Which were basically the only three girls I spent most of my time with when I wasn’t with my brother or Regina. They weren’t tomboys but they weren’t girly-girls either. They were stuck in that awkward place between punk rock and princess. I liked them for that very reason. The rest of the soccer team was boys. But Killian and 

Hansel I was closest to out of all the boys on the team. And I often hung out with them and the girls interchangeably. 

Anyways, after I got changed and got out onto the field, I looked up into the stands where Regina had made herself comfortable on the metal bench in the far right-hand side. She smiled and waved at me. I grinned childishly in return. I never imagined feeling as jovial as I felt that day. Everything just felt anew, and that the impossible was suddenly possible. It was a feeling I had only felt twice in my life; that day, and the day I bought my first car. But we’ll save that chapter for another day.

I jogged across the field to join the rest of my team, just as the opposing team began to come onto the field. We often had practice with different schools in town, especially if regionals were coming up. Our coach liked it because he thought that these sorts of practice games with opposing teams brought out our ‘A-game’. And I wasn’t one to complain because I actually kinda liked the challenge and unpredictability of another team’s skills from time to time.

Our team huddled in a circle just before the game was about to start, and Coach Gold started to give us his usual pep talk. Yes, ‘Gold’ was his name. It wasn’t his birth name but it was the name we had always known him as. I don’t think I’ve ever even heard anyone call him anything else but that. Even his wife called him Mr. Gold.

“They are gonna be hitting us with everything they’ve got. So, we wanna engage with maximum speed. Neutralize the shooters and then move on to our objective. And there’s two things I want you to keep in mind, number one, I chose you for this squad because you are the most fearsome players on the planet. And number two, you go out there, you do your job, and you take them down! Everyone! And I mean e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.”

Our soccer coach was always one to overexaggerate, especially when we were practicing with a team from another school. He was in his fifties but moved like he was twenty-five. The man had some serious muscles and could probably pick up two students off the ground effortlessly if he wanted to.

We, as a team, were never actually good enough to win any major tournaments or anything like that, but we pretended we were. But put us against Fortmount High school(which was the high school we often played against on the other side of town, and the only high school team we were proud to say we actually could beat) and we’d kick their asses easily.

“Alright, let’s go!” Coach Gold shouted as we broke our huddle. We found our positions on the field and waited for the whistle. I was often center-back alongside Killian, which didn’t really even matter because we often switched around our roles while on the field every few matches. 

The games began. And Fortmount High school made it look like child’s play. I often didn’t even have to try to tackle the ball from them; they would just give it to me.  
Merida passed the ball to Mulan, and Mulan passed it to Hansel. He messed around with it for a few seconds before he passed it to me, and I passed it to Gretel up front so that she could score. There really wasn’t much technique to it, we were quite literally just kicking a ball around a field then into a goal.

But I made it seem like it was more than what it was, just because I knew Regina was watching me. I would even pretend to show off some footwork skills with the ball from time to time then look up to give her a cheeky little smile. 

“Who is the hot brunette? She hasn’t taken her eyes off of you.” Killian asked as we were jogging back down the field to get into our rightful places, readying ourselves for the next round. He almost sounded jealous.

I looked up at Regina in the stand and witnessed her already glowing smile broaden. She must have taken note of the fact that Killian and I were talking about her. And it made her suddenly blushy.  
I bit my bottom lip innocently and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Isn’t that Regina?” I heard Merida question as she walked past us.

“Who?” Killian asked, looking at Merida now as she slowly started to backtrack up the field.

“Regina Mills. She was like the hottest cheerleader here before she dropped out.” Merida said, “And apparently the most supportive too.”

“Supportive of who?” Killian asked.

“I don’t know, ask Emma. She came in with her,” Merida said as she then turned and ran the rest of the way up the field.

Killian turned to me and smirked because he must have noticed how red my face was getting. “What is going on? Are you into her? Are you guys a thing?”

“What? No. I-I don’t..I don’t swing that way.”

I didn’t exactly know why I lied. I guess, at the time, my sexuality felt like something that needed to be kept hidden; for shame; for security. 

“Then why do you keep looking over at her? And why does she keep smiling at you like that?”

“I don’t know. She must really appreciate soccer.” I shrugged.

I was blushing, yes that much was true. But I wasn’t about to admit it to anyone on that team, not even Killian. We were close, but we weren’t that damn close. Plus, no one really knew I was into girls and no one ever had any suspicions until that day.

That practice was the first of many that Regina had come to. And she also made sure to never miss a tournament or regional finals. Soon enough, the rest of the soccer team caught onto what was going on and didn’t even bother to question it. And I was glad they didn’t, because it would have been a really weird question for me to answer anyways.

So I guess I sorta ‘came out’ silently. There was no pressure or pushy questions. People just saw it, accepted it, and decided not to say shit about it. Because that is exactly the way it should be.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	9. Chapter 7

A week later, I woke up to the sound of the front door being knocked on. The knock had already sounded twice, and given that it was a Saturday morning, I wasn’t exactly in a hurry to get it because I wasn’t expecting anyone. Only Neal’s friends would come around at this time, and even then, they would just walk straight in without knocking.

I jogged down the stairs and across the living room before reaching the foyer. Neal’s stereo was thumping from the basement, jerking the floor, so I knew he couldn’t hear the door.

Another determined knock came from the door just as I reached forward to pull it open. I became surprised when I saw who it was.

“Regina? Hi.”

We had been texting back and forth a few times over the last week, but our conversations were mostly friendly. She had, however, been mindful that I was flirting through every text I sent, no matter how simple it   
was.

“Hey.” She smiled at me.

I suddenly became aware that I was only wearing an old holey cropped top and wrinkled shorts. My hair was in a messy bun and I had not yet washed my face.

“Um…what-ah, what’s up?” I asked, trying to ignore the fact that I was a hot mess. I had never tried so hard to look cool when I knew I wasn’t, in my entire life.

“Are you free today?” she asked.

“Yeah. Yes, sure. Why?”

“My dad and I are gonna pick up my friend from Somerville. She’s gonna be staying with us for a few days, so…I was wondering if you’d like to come with us.”

“To pick up your friend?”

“Yeah. If you want to…”

“Yes, okay. I can tag along I guess.” I said, then asked, “When are you leaving?”

“Twenty minutes,” she said, making it sound more like a question than an actual statement.

“Oh, so like right now?”

“Yeah,” she chuckled lightly.

I told her to wait while I quickly went back inside to make myself look more presentable. And once I was done, Regina, her father, and I were on our way to Somerville.

The drive that was supposed to be at least one and a half hours without traffic felt much shorter than it should have. Maybe it was because Regina and I spent the entire ride texting each other back and forth and lost track of time, even though we were literally in the same space and could have easily just had a regular conversation. But I didn’t mind it, because it felt more meaningful somehow. Like our little secret. It felt   
nice to know that no one else could see or know what we were talking about. And it felt even nicer to know that it would forever remain that way. 

Anyways, as I was saying, we got to Somerville rather quickly. And before we knew it, we were parked in front of Regina’s friend’s house. It was a really nice neighborhood. Practically every house looked the same, with the exception of the door colors and numbers on each door being different. It was the literal definition of a typical American suburban neighborhood. I had barely ever been outside my small hometown. 

Where I lived was the often ignored, lesser fortunate area of Boston. So, seeing any town that wasn’t my own often came as a huge surprise to me. 

“Gina!!!” Came a booming voice suddenly as the door of the house we were parked in front of swung open.

Regina gasped before exclaiming excitedly, “Hi!” She got out of the car and ran up the unfamiliar red brick driveway to meet her friend. 

Regina and her friend hugged in a waddle-like manner for a good full minute, muttering sweet nothing to each other before they pulled apart, laughing. It was as if they hadn’t seen each other in years.

“Emma, this is Ruby. She’s my best friend,” Regina introduced us.

That was the day I met Ruby Lucas. The best friend I never knew would also be my best friend until later on in my life. She was a perfect representation of an emo-chick. And it seemed as if she was born with red streaks in her hair because I never saw the girl without them. 

“Hi,” I said shyly.

“It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much,” she said, a broad smile on her face as she looked between Regina and I. Regina looked away and began blushing. She spoke to her best friend about me?

“It’s nice to meet you too,” I said politely.

“I can’t wait for this summer vacation. I really need it after the year I’ve had.” Ruby said.

“Me too.” Regina agreed. 

I only smiled awkwardly because I didn’t know whether or not I was qualified to give an opinion yet. Especially because I was the new one to their tight-knitted friendship, and I wasn’t sure if I was welcome to interject my opinion in their conversation without feeling like I was being pushy or rude.

Regina busied herself with Ruby’s bags, taking the heaviest one first to the car and leaving Ruby and me to converse. Regina’s father had gone inside the house to greet Ruby’s grandmother, whom I later found out had been raising Ruby from the tender age of three. Ruby’s mother was clinically insane, so she had been in an asylum for pretty much all of Ruby’s life. And Ruby had no idea who her father was, so he wasn’t   
in the picture at all. It was sad, but Ruby never made me nor anyone else feel like they had to be sad for her.

Also, apparently Ruby and Regina had spent every summer together since the age of twelve. And this summer was no different. They had planned to be together throughout the entire month of July and August, and they wanted to ‘do everything that Boston had to offer’ – Ruby’s words. I was just there to tag along.

On our way back from Somerville to the heart of Boston, Regina and her father drove in the front of the car while myself and Ruby were in the back. A small suitcase was wedged in between Ruby and me, while the rest of her luggage got stuffed in the trunk of the car. 

For the most part, the car journey was fun. Ruby kept us all entertained with her punk rock playlist, and Regina kept on laughing at every joke I attempted to make. I wasn’t sure whether she was just laughing to please me, or laughing because she thought I was genuinely funny. But either way, I wasn’t complaining because it made me feel the happiest I’d ever felt since my parents’ death. 

Regina’s father was mostly quiet, but every once in a while, he would laugh or smirk at a comment one of us girls would make. I always called him Mr. Mills, it was the only thing that felt right to call him. Because, for starters, he was the father of the girl I was trying to pursue, which was hard enough on its own. But he was also a lawyer, one of the best in the state. And with my brother’s reputation with the law, I didn’t think I had much of a choice but to be on my best behavior around him.

And, spoiler alert, I blamed him for me going to jail as much as I blamed Regina.

It had been a good hour since we had started the journey back home from Somerville. Ruby’s music had died down to silence, which gave me the perfect excuse to close my eyes and pretend that I had fallen asleep. Had I known that pretending to be sleeping would give me the answers to the many questions I had about Regina and me, I would have done it a long time ago. And that question was, ‘What were we?’

“So, is she your girlfriend?” I heard Ruby softly question Regina. My breathing hitched as I felt two sets of eyes look my way.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Regina whispered, cautious that I might be a light sleeper.

“Then why did she make you a playlist?” Ruby asked in a playful manner. “You know, after Daniel, I’d say swinging in the other lane may not be such a bad idea.”

“Oh, my God. Ruby!” Regina exclaimed in a whisper-shouting tone. 

I squinted my eyes slightly to peek at her in time to see her looking towards her father for help. But he only smirked and asked, “A whole playlist?”

“Oh wow. I can’t believe you two.” Regina scoffed, crashing her back against the back of the car seat as if annoyed. Her face was turning bright red and she was trying so hard to conceal her growing smile. I closed my eyes again, deciding to keep the blushing image of Regina locked in my mind for as long as I could. 

“It’s called ‘Music To Suffer To’ playlist. They clearly already have inside jokes.” Ruby said to Regina’s father in a teasing manner. They had a close relationship, or at least so it seemed. The Ruby I knew after prison was a completely different person to the one she was when I first met her that day. I suppose Regina was right when she said that people changed quite frequently.

“Alright, Ruby, shush. You made your point.” Regina said, and Ruby laughed. 

A moment of stillness ensued, where all I heard was Ruby’s giggling voice and Regina’s blushing sighs.

“So is it official then?” Ruby teased again.

“I said, shut up!” Regina laughed, and I felt a quick rush of wind blow past me, as if Regina had thrown something at Ruby. Ruby continued to laugh in response.

I smiled all the way through my ‘sleep’ until we got back home. And even then, I still couldn’t stop smiling. I finally knew what Regina and I were, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.


	10. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

A few days after Ruby had arrived, Regina and I gravitated a lot closer to each other. Or so it seemed to me at least. She was unusually flirty every time we saw each other, and I even thought she winked at me from across the ice-cream parlor at one point while suspiciously licking an ice-cream cone. Don’t quote me on that one.

But on this day, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends in the backyard for most of the day, enjoying the sun and smoke-infused air from the many cigarettes that had been consuming, when Regina decided to come boldly collect me. She had just gotten off from work and came straight over to my house to get me.

I recognized Regina’s presence when she unlocked the back gate and walked straight in towards me. She was still wearing her work clothes, which was unusual for her whenever she came to see me, and she was smiling, which was even more unusual. It conflicted me.

“Hey, you,” she said to me. And the moment our eyes connected I felt my body react in a way that had never happened when Regina would look at me before. It was as if, with just her eyes, she grabbed my metaphorical ‘balls’ and squeezed it, claiming me as her own.

“Hey yourself,” I greeted her back.

She glanced over to my brother, who had a girl that looked about twice his age sitting on his lap, and waved. He waved back at Regina. Then Regina turned to look back at me. “Do you wanna come hang out with me?” she asked.

“Yes.” I said without hesitation.

“Awesome. I was hoping you’d say that.”

Her smile widened as she grabbed my hand and practically pulled me up from the armchair I was sitting in. I looked back at my brother as Regina guided me away, and he smirked at me. I rolled my eyes and obediently let Regina take me through the gate, down the narrow path at the side of my house to the front yard, onto the sidewalk, and over to her yard. We walked past her father’s car to the front door, where she opened it and used my body to close it by pushing me up against the door. Her lips immediately crashed into mine, and I could have sworn that in that moment, my mind exploded.

We totally didn’t make sense together. I mean, she was this former popular cheerleader who everyone adored. And I was just a girl on the soccer team who most people just knew as Neal’s baby sister. But I was completely, totally, utterly hooked. I felt like I could be myself around Regina, something I had never felt with anyone outside of my family.

She kissed me like I had never been kissed before. It wasn’t like one of those close-mouthed kisses that you do when you’re in eighth grade and you’ve never held hands with a girl before. It was a full on, open-mouthed, almost sexual kiss. And I loved it. Her hands were strong yet at the same time gentle. I loved the way my body melted into hers. And her mouth…God, her mouth made me feel as if I was dreaming, like I was discovering my happy place for the first time. Her lips were so soft and warm, it was like I was sinking into quicksand that I didn’t mind suffocating me. 

When we broke away after what seemed like ages, she looked at me and, without saying much else, started to guide me up to her bedroom. She pulled me inside the large space that seemed too neat to be a bedroom - it was more like a bedroom out of a magazine - and locked the door behind us.

Only then did I get to take her in. Her pupils were very dilated and I got the sense that it wasn’t just her arousal. They were tinted red too, as if she hadn’t slept the night before. Also, after every step she took towards me, as I backed away, she lost her sense of direction and began stumbling over her own feet.

“You’re on something.” I said as I observed her.

I had been around drugs enough to know the side effects like the back of my hand. And Regina was perhaps the most obvious person in the world to identify when drugged, because she turned into an opposite version of the girl that I knew. The problem was, I couldn’t tell which one was old Regina, and which one was new Regina.

“Maybe...” She grinned childishly.

My brows bent in both curiosity and worry, because this wasn’t her at all. “What did you take?”

“It was just an edible. It’s harmless,” she said.

My already dented brows deepened. “You took edibles while you were at work?”

“No, silly, I took them on my way home,” she said.

“Where’d you get them?” I asked.

“The candyman,” she giggled as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and began guiding me towards her bed.

“I’m serious, Regina. Where’d you get the edibles?” I asked again.

“Why do you care so much about where I got them from?” she laughed pathetically, “It’s just a little bit of fun. I do this all the time.”

Really? Because this was news to me.

Now, I wasn’t usually one to care what kind of drugs anyone took, nor how much of it they took. It was their life, their bad decisions. But when it came to Regina, I found myself worrying about the slightest little things she did, especially after that day. I knew what drugs could do to the brain and body, and I just never wanted that for her. 

She started to kiss me feverishly again, and I found it difficult to pull away because it was so damn spellbinding. But at the same time I couldn’t get the thought out of the back of my head. The thought that she was actually high out of her mind and kissing me the way she was.

We reached her bed and she pushed me down on it. My body bounced once or twice before it settled, and Regina crawled over me. Pretty soon after that, things escalated…

This part of my life I’d like to call ‘Official’. And that’s for two reasons. One is because, on this day, Regina and I became official. And by official, I mean we had sex. Blunt, I know. I had no idea I had it coming but it’s a day I knew I would forever remember. I could tick ‘Body’ off of my list. And two, well, this day also happened to be the day I found out that the girl I had been so crazy over, the girl I had been stalking for four years, the girl who finally looked at me in the eyes for more than five seconds at a time and didn’t look like she was about to throw up, had a huge drug problem. And after I said it out loud, it was like suddenly all the faint hints that I was ignoring up until this point, became as clear as day. I was just blinding myself to it.

“Maybe we shouldn’t. I mean, it’s only been a few months since you lost Daniel and I-”

“Will you shut up and just kiss me?” She asked, though it wasn’t much of a question. She clearly didn’t want to talk. All she wanted was me, no questions asked.

I obliged, capturing her mouth again with my own. I had never kissed any other girl before Regina, and this was the fourth time this week alone. I sank into her touch and allowed her mouth to mould perfectly with mine.

“Regina, what if your dad catches us up here?” I asked as I pulled away again, terrified that the man would get me locked up just for being in his house without his permission.

“He won’t. He’s busy on a business call. And he never comes into my room without my permission anyway,” she said.

“And Ruby? Didn’t she leave with you this morning when you were going to work? Where is she?”

“She went shopping. So, we have about an hour before she gets back here.”

“Your best friend ditched you to go shopping?” I asked, almost laughing.

“No,” she said, “It’s more like I ditched her…Because I’m really horny right now and I need you to fuck me.” She grinned as she pushed me back onto my back and kissed me again. 

Kissing Regina had become my brand new addiction. Her pillow soft lips locked with mine felt like the home I've always wanted. And I guess, after looking back on my life, that was probably the thing that pulled me in more than anything. Plus, I wasn’t known to object to anything that would result in my pleasure, especially if a girl as hot as Regina Mills was on top of me. So, I let it happen.

– Checklist –  
☒Attention  
☐Heart  
☐Mind  
☐Soul  
☐Spirituality  
☐Body(optional because I don't mind waiting forever if it means I'll someday get to have her for the rest of my life)  
☐Forever

I would have liked it if my checklist was ticked off in order, but it wasn't. In fact, some of them never even got ticked. But it did come as a pleasant surprise to me at how fast and soon it took to get Regina in bed with me. She basically managed the whole thing though so it wouldn’t be fair of me to take all the credit. But still, I was pleased with myself at the time.

That was the first time I had ever had sex with a girl, or anyone for that matter. And that was the first of many I had with Regina. And I say that with both regret and enthusiasm, because every time we were even vaguely intimate, Regina was high on something. It didn’t do that well for my ego sometimes but the fact that she came every time, multiple times, made me feel slightly better. 

But the thing is.... it wasn’t just sex.

When we went on our first date, she was high.

Every single time we had sex, she was high.

When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she was high.

When she first told me that she loved me, she was high.

I know now that I should have picked up on it at a certain point back then. But I was just so stupid about her at the time that I paid no mind to it. Each time she took those drugs and each time she begged me to convince my brother to let us have some experimental ones as well, was each time she got worse. I was a huge part of why she got addicted. And that admission now breaks me more than anything.

Before I knew it, I was stealing drugs from my brother on a daily basis to take to Regina’s whenever I knew we were hanging out. He pretended he didn’t know about his missing stashes, and I pretended I didn’t know that he knew.

But before we get too ahead of ourselves, let’s stay on the timeline…

After that day when we first had sex, when Ruby figured out what happened between Regina and I, and when I got comfortable with the idea that Regina shared literally everything with that girl, I practically became a part of them. I became a part of their gossips and little quarrels, even though I had no idea what they were talking about sometimes. They got used to the idea that whatever they talked about wasn’t going to leave the room, so it often felt like I was just furniture whenever they were gossiping with each other...even when that gossip was about me.

One day, when I found the surface of Regina’s bed more comfortable than mine, I was in that very place –Regina’s bed– while she was at work. It was a Saturday morning. And those kinds of mornings sucked because Regina usually left for work at ridiculous times at the crack of dawn. I usually didn’t get to say goodbye to her at those times because I was often too sleepy to get up and walk her outside to kiss her goodbye. But, to make up for it, I always made sure to give her a ‘Good morning and have a good day’ text when I woke up. She would get just in time before starting her shift. And I would often get a smiling face emoji back...if it was a good day.

Anyways, on that morning, as I said before I laid in Regina’s bed, ankles crossed and hands resting on my stomach, staring up at the ceiling. I heard Regina’s bedroom door creek open suddenly and I looked towards the door to see Ruby coming in. “Oh sorry,” she quickly apologized, “I didn’t realize anyone was in here.”

I sat up and gave her a half smile, “That’s okay.”

“I think I left my phone charger in here yesterday,” she said as she walked over to the nightstand by the bed. When she came within close enough proximity to me, her coconut scented lotion filled my nostrils. It was mixed with that kind of smell someone usually had when they just got out of the shower. “Ah hah, I did leave it in here,” she exclaimed in a quiet voice and laughed as she reached down to unplug the charger. 

She stood back up and looked at me with kind, but very sleepy, eyes. “Did you sleep here last night?” she asked.

“No. I came over this morning after Regina left for work,” I told her.

“Oh,” she said, then took a moment to observe me. “So you’re that type.”

“Type?” I was confused.

“Clingy,” she said. And the way she said it didn’t make it sound like something I should have been ashamed about.

“I just wanted to feel like I was with her, and her bed smells like her. It calms me down. I don’t understand how that’s clingy...” I stopped as I came to the end of my sentence, realising that maybe I was clingy. I looked at Ruby and she chuckled breathily. “Alright, maybe you have a point,” I said nervously, not sure what else I could have said to that.

“Well, see you later, I suppose,” Ruby smiled and moved to walk out of the room. But then I stopped her by saying, “Hey, wait.” My mouth was a lot quicker at stopping her than my brain was at figuring out why I wanted to stop her. But the question seemed to just fall out of my mouth, “Can I ask you a question?”

She stopped and turned to face me, “Sure.” 

“It’s about Regina…” because when is it not? “Did you know about her um..issues?”

“Issues?” she asked, and I watched as both her brows drew together slowly.

“Yes. You know, her mood swings and stuff…?” I specified, aware that I wasn’t specific at all.

“I mean, yeah. I picked up on it eventually,” she said. And I was grateful that I didn’t have to be much more specific than I was. I wanted to roll my eyes at myself because of course she would know. They were best friends who shared everything together. So that was a stupid question.

After studying my perplexed expression for a moment, Ruby proceeded to ask, “What happened? How bad was she on a scale of 1 to 10?” She assumed Regina had had some sort of melt down with me, which wasn’t exactly a lie. Regina did kind of have a small meltdown on the roof when I witnessed her drinking coffee to soothe the ache she was feeling.

“N-nothing. She just told me that she’s been going through some intense stuff, but she doesn’t want me to ask her about it.” I began to explain, “And sometimes she would just shut down and ignore me for hours at a time and lock herself away so no one can talk to her. It started even before we became a thing. I would always notice how closed off she was, and she never wanted to talk about anything. She would rather ignore it and get high. I thought it was depression but now I don’t know.” As I explained, Ruby came back further into the room and sat on the edge of the bed, clutching onto her charger with one hand while the other hand ran through her slightly damp hair. “I mean, it’s like drugs and sex is her primary way out. Every time she gets high and it starts to wear off, she wants to have sex with me. And I’m starting to wonder if she want sex for me, or if she wants sex just to soothe the ache… And I guess the reason the reason I’m telling you this is because I wanna help her. There has to be something else that I can do to help her, this can’t be it. I wanna help her so badly, but I don’t know where to start or how to bring it up to her. I’m scared that she’ll shut me down as soon as I try. And I think you may know how. You’ve known her a lot longer than I have.”

Ruby took a moment to let everything I just said sink in. As she took her time, I noticed how the dyed parts of her hair looked more burgundy than red when they were wet. It was a strange thing to notice while she sat there, but it was the most noticeable thing about her, aside from her obvious beauty of course. 

She then looked up at me and sighed before she said, “Regina’s been like this for as long as I can remember, Emma. I mean, obviously the whole drugs and sex thing never came into play until we were both older, but ever since we met at twelve years old that’s the Regina I’ve known. She was always in her own messed up world. Always...different. Sometimes she can be the life of the party, the most cheerful and loudest girl in the room; and then sometimes she’s the complete opposite, and I think Daniel’s passing had a huge play in that, but it was there long before she even met him. I mean, she used to be fun, she used to do things like aggressive ballerina, or collect Pokémon cards. Then once she moved here four years ago she literally became one of those people who walk, talk, and act exactly the same.... You’ve gotta understand that she’s going through a lot, Emma. I’ve never tried to change her, and I don’t think you’ll have an easy time trying… And trust me, you haven’t seen the worst of it.”

“What do you mean?” I sat up, eager to learn this unknown information about the girl I was dating.

“She used to get these really bad panic attacks, and sometimes random bursts of anxious energy would surround her. She still does get them but it’s not as bad now. When she got them though, she’d either run away screaming or hide herself somewhere. And you’d never know what was happening in her head, it was like she suddenly woke up from a bad dream… but she wasn’t even asleep. The aftermaths were the worst. Because there were days where she’d get so down that she wouldn’t touch a plate of food or water. It got so bad once that she dehydrated herself for three and a half days and had to be admitted in a hospital for them to force some fluids in her body. She’s often so broken that she won’t open up to anyone, not even me.”  
It was at that moment that I realized what I had gotten into. The kind of mental capacity, and trial, and patience it would take to be with a person like Regina Mills.

“Why can’t she talk about it? Why couldn’t she just tell me this?”

“It isn’t as simple as it sounds, Emma,” Ruby said, “How do you tell someone you have messed up thoughts running through your head all day that makes your body think that it’s dying?”

I paused, thinking about the gruesome imagery of her question. “I’m not saying it would be easy. But it would have been nice to know.”

“Would you have stayed by her side if you knew? Or would you have ran?” She asked.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I may know that, I can tell you’re persistent… But Regina doesn’t.” She said, forcing a side of me to think about it in a way I hadn’t thought about it before. “Her constant thought process is that everyone is going to turn their backs on her and leave her. She had a tough childhood and it’s going to take a lot to change that mindset. But you also have to be careful because Regina has a soft heart, even though she builds up this wall that makes her seem like a cold-hearted bitch sometimes.” Ruby and I laughed lightly because we’ve both seen that side of Regina and knew it was true. But her smile quickly faded as she continued, 

“You’ll probably have to keep reminding her how much you mean to her in a million different ways before she even starts to believe it. She’ll let something slide a thousand and one times but after that she doesn’t give second chances. Do this the wrong way and she can be your worse enemy; say something in the wrong way and she’ll turn her back on you just like that;” She clicked her fingers at me. “Say something she doesn’t like in the heat of the moment and she’ll toss you under the bus and treat you like you never existed. You don’t wanna see that side of her.”  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	11. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

When I said Regina and Ruby shared everything, I had no intention of being one of those things that they shared.

Ruby had always seemed like the type of person who was open to do just about anything spontaneous, especially if that something involved partying. So I understood her reason for wanting to ‘share’ me. But Regina was often so closed off that sometimes I didn’t know what she was thinking or if she was even thinking at all. So when she so openly told me one late night that she wanted to watch me be pleased by her best friend, I was both shell shocked and turned on.

On this late night, me, Regina, and Ruby found ourselves in a little bit of a situation in Regina’s bedroom. We did not intend for anything to happen that night the way they did. But spontaneous things like this always happened when Ruby was around...as you’ll later find out. 

It was super late. Regina’s father was working out of town, like he often was. And that gave us girls freewill to do whatever the fuck we wanted. Regina was high off her ass, giggling at the silliest little things around her. Ruby was too drunk to form a proper sentence without slurring her words. And I was stuck in a haze from the impact of one too many Xanax that I had taken.   
Regina continued to light up and take in huge breaths of smoke that her bong produced. But Ruby and I had taken a break; she laying across the sofa staring up at the ceiling in dreamland, and me sitting on the edge of Regina’s bed trying to keep my upper body from slouching too much, but my limbs just felt too heavy to stay straight.

The entire room was foggy. And the changing neon-colored light in the corner of the room was the only sort of illumination we had. It made it seem as if we were stuck in the aftermath of a colored smoke bomb. Like we were in our own state of Euphoria.

This night was not one of those nights where I had to guess what was on Regina’s mind. In fact, she spoke freely without me having to beg her to say something. 

“Oh, why can’t I feel like this all the time?” Regina questioned aloud, and from the tone of her voice I guessed it was a rhetorical question.

“You do feel like this all the time.” Ruby snickered, then they both laughed, “You’re always high, Regina.” Ruby sighed through a smile, and Regina continued to laugh.

I didn’t laugh though. I didn’t find any of it funny. In fact, to be honest with you, her whole drug shit had me feeling kind of uneasy. Regina never seemed to ever notice just how much she was consuming, or how badly it affected her day-to-day mood.

She looked over to me, those red-rimmed eyes smiling at me, and pointed the bong in my direction for me to take. I hesitated for a moment and shook my head from side to side.

“Come on, don’t go soft on me, Em,” she said.

“No, I’m not. It’s just that…” I glanced between her and Ruby, unsure of how Regina would react to what I was about to say. “I really like you Regina, and I don’t wanna encourage you to do this stuff all the time and see you get hurt, you know?”

“Yeah, you and everybody else,” she said bitterly, rolling her eyes.

“I’m serious, Regina. I’ve seen a lot of people die. If not from drugs then from some sort of freak accident. And God forbid the same thing happens to you, I don’t know what I’d do.”

We all fell quiet for a while until Regina finally spoke. “You know, when I was eleven years old…it was a couple of weeks after my dad got his second big promotion. He was going to leave the country again for a few months. And I knew he was leaving, it’s not like I wasn’t used to it by that age. So-ah...my family decided to celebrate.” 

It was the first time I had ever heard Regina openly talk about her family. And so I sat up, intrigued.

“We ordered a bunch of Chinese food. And I remember that night I was laying between my parents in bed, and my younger brother and sister were laying down by my feet. And ah…all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe. It was like there was no more air left in the world. And I was gasping, and I was panicking. And my parents called the ambulance because they thought it was an allergic reaction or some shit. And then when I got to the hospital, they gave me liquid valium.” She laughed as she told the story, completely high out of her mind. “Yeah, they gave it to me to calm me down. And when it hit me, I thought…this is it.   
This is the feeling I have been searching for my entire life. Because suddenly, the world went quiet. And I felt safe in my own head…” Her giggling stopped, and for just a moment she was serious. The expression on her face even almost struck me as frightened. But then her lips turned up in a high sarcastic smile as she said, “Five years later, my family was ripped apart from my parent’s divorce...My siblings -the only people I cared about in my whole family- left. The panic attacks stayed. And I found a way to live…..So…” She paused and took an uncomfortably long pause, then eventually began speaking again, “Will the drugs eventually kill me? Maybe. But maybe not. Fuck, I don’t know. And, quite honestly, I don’t care.” She shrugged as she looked at me with barely any emotion in her eyes. But oddly, they were filled to the brim with tears. “Still wanna be with me, Emma? Hold hands? Sing zippity doo-dah?”

The girl staring back at me was fractured. And would probably never be whole again. I stared at her for a long while, unsure of what to say. She wasn’t the girl I first saw on that day she moved next door. It’s as if the sensible childishness I once saw in her was gone. She was like an adult. One who was completely careless of the responsibilities that could drive her into insanity.

“You’re a fucking trip, you know that?” Ruby interrupted us, reminding me that we weren’t alone. “I’m too high to be listening to this conversation right now,” she groaned, crashing her red-streaked head back down onto the sofa.

“Me too…Me fucking too.” Regina agreed, throwing her head back as well.

“You two are the worst bitches to be around when you’re high.” Ruby said.

Regina laughed, and I found myself laughing with her.

“I wouldn’t say that…” Regina said in a slow voice as she got up and started to move over to me on the bed. Her eyes dared me to look away as she got closer, and somehow, she made me squeeze my knees together tightly from just that one look. She sat close beside me and kissed my cheek before she nuzzled the side of my neck. I was forced to inhale the warm, sexy, womanly scent of her as she bit at my neck. 

“You smell so good.” She whispered only for my ears.

“Mhmm, careful.” I whispered back.

“About?” She asked.

“We have company.” I gestured in Ruby’s direction. 

“So?”

Heat flared between my thighs and she pressed closer. Her mouth stayed on my neck, nibbling down to where it met my shoulder, sending hot shivers sliding over me. I did love it. I loved her. I felt the music inside me, like another heartbeat. My body pulsed against Regina’s.

When Ruby lifted her head again, and my eyes met hers across the room, I turned my face to Regina and kissed the side of her neck, for her gaze was too intense for me to hold. I parted my lips and opened my mouth and sunk my teeth into my girlfriend’s neck. Her skin, warm and fragrant. She made a low noise in her throat as she rested one hand on my bare thigh, where my dress had ridden up.

My core ached. I wanted her to slide her hand higher. Suddenly Ruby’s presence didn’t matter to me. In fact, Ruby being in the room and staring at me the way she was, made me even hotter.

“I think I need another drink.” I said in Regina’s ear, feeling the haze in my head wearing off. I needed to be completely drunk if I was going to do this.

Regina drew back and smiled at me, her arms still warm on my thigh. “Want me to get you one?”

“Sure.”

She got up and moved over to the ‘bar’ we had set up in her room, which was essentially just a table stacked with alcohol and mixers.

I could still feel the weight of Ruby’s gaze without even looking at her. When I did turn my head slightly, our eyes once again met, and held. And held. And…held.

She lifted her drink to her mouth and slowly sipped it, never taking her eyes off me. I was filled with a rampant reckless feeling that I couldn’t even identify. Except, I knew the dominant one was lust. Analyzing that just made my skin tighten up though. I took a deep breath and crossed my legs, not bothering to pull my skirt down, wanting Ruby’s attention on me.  
I turned my attention back to Regina as she approached me with a new drink. I picked up the drink and downed it in three big, heat-quenching, gulps. 

“Oh God.”

“I’ll get you another one,” Regina laughed with a knowing smile then walked back over to the little alcohol station. “Shit, we’re out of tequila. I’ll go get some more,” she said, then slipped out of the room to go downstairs into the kitchen.

I sat there in a bit of a daze, until the bed dipped beside me. I turned quickly, thinking it was Regina back already with my drink. But it was Ruby. Her dark eyes fastened on my face. I tried to ignore the achy fullness in my pelvis.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked her in a whispered tone.

She brought her lips to my ear while her hand rested on my thigh just like Regina’s hands were only a few moments ago, and it slowly started to crawl up. “Sure,” she whispered back.

I looked over to the door to make sure Regina wasn’t back in the room yet. I wasn’t sure whether she’d be okay with this – meaning Ruby’s hand being halfway up my thigh – but I was sure that Ruby wouldn’t be doing it if she knew Regina would feel some type of way about it. Plus, I didn’t mind Ruby’s hand, strangely. 

“Why do you look at me like I belong to you?”

“Cause…” I almost expected her to tell me that I did belong to her, that I was hers for the taking whenever Regina wasn’t around. But, instead, she said, “You’re too hot not to look at. And I don’t know whether   
it’s the drugs in my system or whatever, but you’re looking all types of sexy tonight,” she spoke directly in my ear, running her moist lips along my earlobe. It drove me insane.

Regina came back into the room at that precise moment with an unopened bottle of tequila in hand. I quickly tried to close my legs because I was afraid of her reaction to what Ruby was so close to doing. But 

Ruby chuckled and used her strong hand to pry my legs open again. “Relax,” she whispered.

Regina did the opposite of what I was expecting her to do, and grinned before she walked over to the sofa that was directly across from Ruby and I, sat down, opened the bottle of alcohol, and began pouring some into a cup.

Liquid heat slid through my body and pooled between my legs. I bit my lip and looked over to where Regina now sat on the sofa across from her bed. She had crossed one ankle over the other knee, one arm stretched out along the back of the sofa, looking so fucking sexy. And watching us. She lifted her chin in acknowledgement of my glance. I was almost afraid to tear my gaze away from her and return it to the dangerous red-streaked-brunette that sat beside me with her hand halfway up my dress.

“Regina is watching?” Ruby asked quietly, but more in a statement tone. Her eyes were yet to leave me but I could tell that she also already knew the answer to her own question.

“Yes.” I answered anyway.

“She likes to watch,” she said.

Ruby knew that about her? And wait...they’ve done this before?!

Regina and I’s gaze was locked. Ruby’s hands slid higher up my dress, her fingers just barely grazing the material of my underwear. I felt myself pulse. The silky fabric slid up out of the way, bunching a little   
above Ruby’s fingers. 

Realization struck and I realized the situation I was about to get myself into. “What are you doing?” I asked her through tight lips.

“Giving your girlfriend a show,” Ruby said with a wicked glint in her eyes. We were both aroused. And maybe that’s why I let her continue to ease the skirt of my dress up, her finger pushing my panty to the side to make entry in what belonged to Regina.

I looked back at Regina, she now had both feet on the floor, leaning forward with elbows on her knees, still watching us. Her gaze scorching me with erotic intensity, and her mouth a tight line of self-control. 

And maybe that’s why I still didn’t stop Ruby.

My mouth parted open to release a breathy sigh when I felt a single finger delve inside me. Regina visibly shuddered at the sight of her best friend pleasuring me. And I, no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t stop the bursts of low moans that escaped my mouth as that single finger rubbed against my interior walls. 

By the time Regina decided to walk over and join us, every nerve ending in my body was on fire, sizzling and snapping with sexual tension. The three of us sat on the bed, damped with perspiration, me sandwiched between their four legs. The air was heavy, pulsing with thick arousal. There was enough sexual energy in that bedroom to power a small hybrid car for many miles. My heart pounded as I stared at my trembling knees, in the middle of the two women. I could hardly breathe, the sense of anticipation tightening my lungs.

Regina pulled my hair aside to mutter in my ear, “That was so fucking hot.” 

I closed my eyes to bask in the feel of her warm breath against my skin. Ruby’s finger still didn’t leave me, for she was enjoying my silky smooth tightness too much.

“Your girlfriend is insane Regina,” Ruby said, a small chuckle in her undertone.

“I know.”

Heat slid up and down my spine, and I felt hypnotized by the heat of the moment, the hot desire of two women, lost in the utter sensuality of it. Regina stood up to her feet and pulled me up with her. Ruby’s finger consequently slid out of me and for a moment I felt as if a part of me was missing. But before that loss of contact settled in, Ruby was standing behind me, grasping my waist, while Regina stood in front.  
I lifted one arm above my head and hooked it around Regina’s neck as I feverish kissed her. The idea of two women fucking me at the same time seemed incredibly hot, but also incredibly impossible. Yet here I was, four hands on my body, my breasts swelled, my nipples tingling. I ached to be touched at my core again.

Regina and I’s eyes met once again, exchanging some kind of wordless communication. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I wanted to know if she was happy with us doing this. With them sharing me. 

If Regina wanted this, it wouldn’t be cheating...right?

“Do you want to?” she finally asked.

I wanted to. Arousal swelled and burned inside me, but I countered, “Do you?”

It was clear we both wanted to, but was each afraid to say it. Afraid of what the other would think. What it would mean. We hadn’t even been together for that long. Doing this would most certainly throw a wrench between us. But whether or not that wrench was a good or bad thing was yet to be decided.

She answered me with a searing kiss, one that stole my breath away. And just like that I had my answer.

A moan slipped out of my mouth and slid into Regina’s when Ruby bit into my neck. I pressed my ass against Ruby, tightening my fingers on Regina’s shoulders. Then their four hands were pulling at my clothing, desperate to reveal my naked figure to them. On instinct, I began to pull Regina’s clothes off as well. And before I knew it we were all naked and grinding on each other in bed.

Regina’s heart was the rhythm. Mine was the echo. Ruby’s was the beat. We were in sync.

I closed my eyes as Regina began to kiss me, gently, then with increasing pressure. Feeling Ruby’s lips on the back of my neck, feeling her fingers tracing the length of my spine. Then came the pressure of a warm hand clasping my sex, fingers slipping inside me, lips still against my lips and neck, fingers pinching my nipples hurtfully and deliciously.

Ruby stroked me with skillful fingers and then, with her skillful tongue, she kissed between my legs, rubbing, nudging, poking, in a rhythm like a giant pulse. My legs twined about her head and shoulders desperately, I was beginning to buck my hips, beginning to come. So Regina, quick and deft as if she'd practiced such a maneuver many times, shifted her position to crouch over me, as Ruby was now crouching over her head, and both women pleasured me and each other.

Only the united beat of sex and hearts together could create such ecstasy that I endured that night. When I closed my eyes I felt like they had many hands, which touched me everywhere. And many mouths, which passed so swiftly over me. And with a wolf-like sharpness, their teeth sank into my fleshiest parts. I enjoyed their simultaneous weights on me, enjoyed being crushed under their bodies as they took full advantage of my core. I wanted them to take me, from mouth to feet. And I got exactly what I wanted.

We three girls never spoke about that night again, individually, or otherwise. Not because it was bad or embarrassing, it wasn’t either of those things. We just never saw the need to bring it up. So we pretended it never happened. And, strangely, to this day I often begin to question the details of the whole situation because I had buried that memory so far down, that I wondered if I made the whole up. 

Ruby stayed for three weeks after that - which was five weeks less than she was supposed to stay for. Circumstances changed for her when she received news that her grandmother was sick, so she had to go back to take care of the old woman.

So, before she left, Regina and I made it our mission to show her as much of Boston as we could in a day. During the daylight, we visited all the best sights and sipped on samosas in water bottles, pretending to be listening to lousy tour guides that we weren't even a part of but pretend to be. We snuck down backstreets every once in a while because one of us had to piss, and the restaurants in town didn’t make it particularly easy to use their bathrooms without one of us having to buy something first.

During the night, we jumped from club, to bar, to club, giggling to ourselves every time we got away with our fake IDs. At some point we ended up in a small gay bar by the pier, and we decided to settle there for the night. We laughed, made fun of, and bonded with each other in the best way we knew how that night. And it was then that I knew that Ruby Lucas would be a part of my life forever.

It would be an entire summer until Regina or I saw her again in person. And, of course, there was the internet where we could talk to her for as long as we wanted and as many times as we wanted, but it would be ten entire months before she would be back in Boston for summer vacation again. And that realization broke my heart more than I thought it would. Because we had truly created a friendship that I don’t think I had ever felt with anyone else.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	12. Chapter 10

I’d like to call this part of my life, ‘the journey of how Regina and I fell in love’. Because God knows it was one hell of a journey.

I won’t bore you with all the lovey-dovey details because that isn’t the point of this story. But what I will say is that, I believe Regina and I really did love each other in those early stages of our relationship, and even up until the end.

We had a lot of ‘first-time’ experiences with one another, and those experiences meant more to me than she will ever know.

She met my friends(which I didn’t keep many of), and I met hers

We would often role play as ‘customer’ and ‘waitress’ at her job before we snuck off to the bathroom during her breaks to mess around.

We committed some petty crimes together, which for Regina and I was like foreplay. We kissed, a lot.

We stargazed up on her roof on every good night sky, listening to a selected playlist we created together, of which there were many.

We pretended like that honeymoon stage of our relationship would last forever, like the future didn’t even exist. Maybe it was easier that way. After all, we were in love.

We kissed some more.

We ventured on weekends to new places together, taking buses, trains, planes, taxis, we even road-tripped it a couple of times just so we could have ‘fuck breaks’ whenever we could pencil one in on the road. 

Never once had I been on vacation until Regina. Had I though, it could never have been as memorable as those times Regina and I spent together.

We even flew to the Caribbean for a week to celebrate our year anniversary. Then again when I graduated from high school. And every year after that we promised to travel to a new place to explore.

We were inseparable.

We shared with each other the parts of ourselves that no one else could see. And we trusted each other with everything. Well...most things. And sure, it was sometimes difficult to witness her eights on the scale of one to ten, but it was never something that we weren’t able to get through together. And yes, it could be frustrating from time to time. But my love for her always won at the end of the day. So I was always reminded of why I signed up for this, for her. She was my reason. Her love was the only reason I needed to stay.

January 2007

“Hello?” I answered my phone with a heavy sigh after running up the stairs to get it. I didn’t recognize the number at all, so whoever was on the other side was going to be a surprise to me. 

“Hi, ah, is this Emma?” Came a feminine voice from the other end.

“Um, who wants to know?” I asked skeptically. I was used to getting calls from the authority about my brother, so I expected the phone call to be about him.

“This is Victoria from the bar. I’m Regina’s manager.”

Regina’s manager? Why would she be calling me? 

“I didn’t really know who else to contact, especially because you’re the only name in Regina’s noncommunicable spews that I’ve been able to make out.”

I sprung up, alert all of a sudden. “What do you mean? Is Regina okay?”

“Ahh...” she paused as if searching for an answer somewhere around her. I didn’t wait for an answer, I just asked, “Where is she?” as I grabbed my leather jacket from the hook on the back of my bedroom door and left, sprinting down the stairs.

“She’s in the backroom. She locked herself in there around thirty minutes ago, but I managed to get a few of the guys to pry it open. She hasn’t moved from the corner in there since. And she’s been talking gibberish. I didn’t know what to do, so I thought you might.”

“I’m on my way.” I said, hanging up then running out the house. I thought about borrowing Mr Mills’ car next door but I felt too impatient. The thought of going up to the door and knocking, then waiting, then having to ask Regina’s father to borrow his keys, then having to explain to him why I needed them, then waiting for him to get them...it just sounded like too much effort to me. So I decided to go on foot. 

I ran all the way to town without even pausing to take a break. I got a few honks and mean yells from drivers while crossing the roads at the most dangerous parts, and I had to push a passerby out of the way one or two times, but aside from that nothing slowed me down. The way I saw it was Regina’s life was in danger. And nothing was going to stop me from getting to her.

“Where is she?” I immediately asked as I barged through the doors of the restaurant. The bells above it slamming against each other murderously to announce my arrival.

“You Emma?” the woman with the name tag labelled, ‘Manager - Victoria’ asked. She was a blonde, like me, but dirtier. And her hair was chopped so short that it reminded me of Willy Wonka...if he was blonde. 

She was a beautiful girl though, which made me think that if she could pull off the Willy Wonka special, then she could pull off any hair-do. I had that much confidence in her beauty. I remember seeing her a few times roaming around the restaurant, but I had no idea she was the manager. If I did know, I wouldn’t have been so careless with the whole role play thing that Regina and I had.

“Yeah. We talked on the phone,” I said.

“She’s round this way,” Victoria instructed, fanning at me to follow her behind the bar. She led me through to the ‘Staff only’ area then down a set of stairs into a basement where they kept a shit-load of alcohol 

in storage. “She’s in there,” Victoria said, pointing to an open doorway where the door had been removed from its hinges. She pointed, but she didn’t move any further, it’s as if she was afraid of what was waiting inside there.

“Alright, thanks,” I said, then carefully walked inside the small storage facility that had beer tanks on all four walls. I quickly scanned the room and saw Regina cowering in a corner, feet pressed into her chest and arms wrapped around her feet tightly. She was quivering. Well, I don’t know if quivering is the right word but she was shaking so much that you’d think she was in an ice bath. “Oh my...” I muttered to myself as I proceeded to approach her. I could already feel my beating heart cracking from the sight of her. She looked absolutely broken; a part of her that I definitely wasn’t used to seeing. 

“Regina?” I called softly as I knelt down in front of her. 

She didn’t look up, nor did she respond. She kept looking down at the floor, her breathing abnormally heavy and her skin ghost white. She looked as if she was having chest pains too, because she released her legs with one hand and grasped at her chest hungrily, as if she was trying to get to the pain inside by scratching at the outside of her shirt. It was really hard to watch but I, for some reason, just couldn’t take my eyes off her.

“Hey babe, it’s Emma,” I slowly and gently reached out to touch her knee. She looked up at me, eyes red and filled with tears. I could see fear enveloped in them - something I wasn’t used to seeing on Regina either. She was drenched in sweat too, which surprised me because the room we were in was really cold. “Hi, it’s just me,” I whispered.

“Emma?” She gasped through a small cry, her brows knitted together as if she was questioning if I was really kneeling in front of her or just a cruel ghost pulling a trick on her.

“Yeah, it’s me, hey,” I said comfortingly. And I witnessed her shoulders relax slightly before inhaling a claustrophobic breath. “What happened?”

She shook her head, refusing to answer me, which was fine. But the abnormal thing was that she kept shaking her head furiously. Unstopping. Those built up tears finally crawling down her reddened cheeks. It wasn’t until I said, “Okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to,” that she stopped.

I then carefully reached for her hand to help pull her up to her feet. But before I could, she grabbed onto me and wrapped her arms around my neck tightly. I didn’t know whether to hug her back or not because she could be really unpredictable sometimes, but I eventually settled on just resting my hands on her waist. 

I allowed her to make me her crotch for a good five minutes in that cold, silent room, until her breathing slowed and her shivering calmed. After that we proceeded to leave her workplace and walk home together slowly, taking only back roads and scarce streets, because God forbid anyone ever saw Regina Mills in that state. She’d blame me for making people see her like that. And I’d never hear the end of it.

We walked hand in hand, which was a pleasant sign because it meant that she wasn’t so lost in her head that she was pulling away physically. But the downside was that she was really quiet for most of the walk home, which, honestly, could be really uncomfortable to deal with most times, especially if you don’t know what to say to break the awkward tension.

“You know...it’s okay. Your panic attacks, I mean.” I eventually conjured up.

Regina waited a long while before she quietly said, “I don’t like that word.”

“What word? Panic attack?” I asked.

“Yes. It makes me feel weak..and I’m stronger than that,” she said. And that line sounded more like something the old Regina would say - the Regina that was obsessed with image and the way that the outside world saw her.

I sighed lightly underneath my breath, needing to carefully select my next choice of words, “Alright, look, call it whatever you like, but something or someone got in your head back there and made you go through a...an episode.” I decided to choose another word. “Cause what I saw back there was some serious trauma. That’s gotta take a toll on anyone. I don't care if you’re the strongest person in the world.”

She blinked a few times rapidly and decided not to respond. At this point in our relationship, I knew her well enough to know that that was her way of saying ‘she didn’t agree but she couldn’t be bothered to argue’. And so she didn’t. And I didn’t say anything else either because I knew the best response I was gonna get after that was a head shake or shrug. And the effort didn’t seem worth it. So we made the rest of the journey home in silence.

We got back home and Regina didn’t even give a second thought to following me into my house and up to my room. In silence, of course. Because you’ll learn by now that ‘silence’ was basically a third party in our relationship.

Regina crawled into my bed after kicking her shoes off, and quite comfortably made herself at home.

“Can I get you anything?” I asked as I walked over to the bed and hovered over her slightly. 

She didn’t respond. Only stared up at me with tired eyes. I gave her a minute, then two, before I asked, “Not talking now?” 

And still, I got no answer. Which, was sorta expected.

“Are you feeling a little bit better at least?” I asked this question more softly. But again, absolutely nothing. “Okay. Two can play that game.” I sighed, giving up and walking away to do my own thing.  
\-----

“Still not talking to me?” I asked Regina from across my bedroom, desperation laced in the tone of my voice. It had been several minutes later, and she was still laying on my bed with her ankles crossed and her eyes glued to the ceiling. She had one earphone in her right ear while the other laying loosely on her chest. She was listening to a playlist, but I knew she could hear me. Yet, she didn’t answer me.

This was one of her bad days. Not the worst because, for one, she was just quiet; not throwing stuff at me. But also, her silence sometimes scared me. Because I had no idea whether she was going to suddenly pull out a knife and throw it at me, or turn it on herself.

I got up from the floor, where I was sitting across from her, and walked over to her. I leaned over the side of the bed and gently tapped her shoulder. She slowly turned her head to look at me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked softly, almost in a whispered voice.

“Nothing,” she finally said.

This kind of thing had happened between Regina and I a good couple of times before. And by ‘this’ I mean her mental breakdowns that would either result in an unnecessary argument or usually always lead into a ‘talk’. And every single time the argument side happened, it would take us a few days at most to resolve it before we were on good terms again. I was hoping this time would not be like one of those argument times, and instead just a talk time. Because I didn’t want to have to argue with my girlfriend over nothing for the next couple of days.

“Come on, what’s wrong, baby?” I tried again, hoping the term of endearment would urge her to open up.

“Nothing,” she said again.

“You wanna cuddle?”

“No.”

“You want food?”

“No.”

“You want some pussy?”

“No.”

“You want me to eat you out?”

She thought about it. “…No.”

I smiled and put my lips against her cheek. “Then what is it, woman?”

“Nothing. I just don’t feel like talking, okay?” She said, then turned her back to me.

I sighed heavily and stood up. “Okay, fine. Be that way then.” I said, then walked back over to my previous position on the floor, against the wall, opposite to her. I held up my phone to try and hide my frustration. And I started scrolling through my feeds to distract myself and try to calm my growing nerves.

After a good twenty minutes of silence between us, a knock sounded at my door. “Hey, birdie? You decent?” Neal called from the other side.

“Yeah, come in,” I said, putting my phone down on the floor beside me.

The door opened and Neal poked his head through the small gap he created for himself, checking if everything was okay before he proceeded to do anything else..

“What’s up?” I asked him.

He opened the door more and walked inside. “I need you to go collect something for me. I would do it myself, but I have somewhere to be right now.”

“Ah-kay, what is it?”

“Just some weight from Rhino’s.” He said. Rhino was Neal’s best friend. His actual name was August. But by now you’ll pick up that my brother had a name for everyone; a name that was often related to some sort of animal. Don’t ask why, it was just his thing.

“Where are you going that you can’t do it yourself?” I asked him.

“I just have some taxes to collect,” he said.

“Taxes? That’s what you’re calling it now?” I asked.

“Come on, Em. You know how it is.” Neal paused for a quick moment and glanced at Regina. He hesitated as he looked away from her and looked back at me. I knew that he always felt that he had to be careful with his choice of words around Regina, given who her father was. But by this point, he was getting more relaxed with the idea that she wasn’t going to say anything to anyone. “Business is business. Someone has to do it,” he said.

I took a moment to look him over. And I could see the imprint of his gun in the waistband of his jeans. I gulped down a massive mass that was forming in the back of my throat, and nodded as I looked back up to meet his eyes. “What do I get out of it?”

“What do you want?” he asked.

“A quarter of whatever August gives me,” I said.

“That’s a lot.” He said.

I looked over to Regina and caught a small upward curve on her lips. Seemed I finally got her attention. The mention of fresh drugs coming in was the kind of ‘talk’ she’d been getting used to around my house as of late. And it made her content because that meant she didn’t have to succumb to her mind anymore. She could just ignore her feelings and get high like she always did.

Neal and his friends and I had a running system that gave us our income, and Regina was getting to understand the gist of all of it while hanging around us. She understood exactly what we talked about...mostly because of me (I sometimes drunkenly told her what certain keywords meant), and it always made her happy when she heard of any sort of drugs coming our way.

I looked back at my brother as I said, “Well, that’s the price.”

“I’m serious, birdie. You don’t need that much dope. What you’re collecting is five times the amount you usually collect.” He warned me. “How about twice what you usually get, plus a raise?”  
I thought about his offer before I sighed and said, “Fine.”

“Alright, I’ll text you the address.” He said as he took out his phone and began to do just that. August, aka Rhino, often rotated his location. I wouldn’t know exactly how to explain why, but just know that it was a sort of security system that kept my brother’s business private and out of the eyes of the police.

“What do you guys do with the stuff I give you anyways? Making extra money from it through your friends?” Neal asked as he sent me the address then put the phone away.

“Something like that.” I shrugged.

“I hope you’re not taking it all at once.” He said, then intentionally looked in Regina’s direction. He often witnessed Regina’s high in this house. It was obvious because Regina’s eyes were dilated most of the time, and she often preferred to drag her feet than actually walked when she was high. Plus, Regina was known to be quite loud during our intimacy. 

“We’re not. Don’t worry.” I said dismissively. “I’ll pick up the weight for you. You can go do what you gotta do now.”

Neal expressed a tight-lipped smile then made his exit. He closed my bedroom door as he left and I turned to look at Regina.

She smiled at me.

I smiled back at her. “Wanna come?”

“Is that even a question?” she asked, grinning. “Of course, I wanna come.”

“Look who’s chatty all of a sudden.” I teased.

She rolled her eyes and crawled off the bed to meet me on the floor. She kissed my lips and pulled away far too quickly as she grabbed my hands and tried to pull me up from the floor.

“Does this mean you’re ready to talk to me?” I asked.

“Maybe after we collect the stuff from your brother’s friend,” she said.

I sighed a long and patient sigh. “Okay.”

And so we went.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - -


	13. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Let someone love you the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.

Regina drove us to the address Neal had sent me. We collected what we needed to, then began the drive back home. It was a pretty easy transaction because I had done it so many times before. So August quite literally just handed the drugs to me and we left, easy. 

On our way back, I was driving this time. And I have to say that after my parents’ car accident, I didn’t think I could ever get behind a wheel and learn to drive on my own. But after months and months of trying to convince myself that I couldn’t live in fear of the unknown, and also trying to convince myself that just because they died in a car accident didn’t mean the same thing would happen to me, I finally managed to pull myself out of that funk and actually learned, which I was really proud of myself for.

So, yeah, I was driving. And Regina sat in the passenger seat staring out the window aimlessly. She sighed loudly suddenly, and I reacted to it by asking, “What?”

“Nothing,” she lied.

I looked ahead of me and decided to give her a minute. So we drove in silence. Every now and then I would glance over to her and see her biting her nails all the way down to the flesh, or I would see her legs jittering as if she was getting impatient for something, or her hands would shake as if she hadn’t had a cigarette all day. If I was lucky, I’d see her doing all three things at once. It was toxic.

When I had enough of seeing her that way, I turned off the main road and circled around a shopping block, before I found a parking space in front of a restaurant that wasn’t open yet. I shut the car off and turned in my seat to give Regina my full attention. “Baby…” She kept her head facing the window beside her and ignored me. I carefully reached across the threshold to touch her hand. “Babe?”

It took a moment for her to look over at me. Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears and her bottom lip wobbled slightly when she opened them to say, “Can I have a little bit of what August just gave you?”  
I stopped and studied her for a moment, conflicted, confused. Because I seriously thought she was going to tell me what was on her mind, not ask for drugs. I also didn’t know why she had tears filling her eyes,   
or why she looked like she was going to cry suddenly, or why her mood shifted so quickly so often. This is what I meant by ‘a lot of whys surrounded Regina.’ 

“Are you serious right now?” I asked, brows furrowed.

“Please?”

“No Regina,” I said, retracting my hand from hers. “I’m not gonna let this be one of those times where you take a couple of pills or sniff some coke and forget this ever happened,” I said in a strict but equally as soft tone. “I’m here.” My voice cracked, reflecting the state of my heart. “I’m right here. And I’m listening, so please…talk to me. I’m a safe place, and I trust that both of us can meet in the middle on this and be mature adults about this. You just have to talk to me. We have to communicate, or else I won’t know what’s on your mind, baby. And I won’t know what to say or what to do. So tell me, what’s this really about?”

She blinked really slowly and looked away. A few tears left her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She sniffled before she opened her eyes again and said, “…I don’t know.”

It was barely a whisper but I heard it. I looked perplexed. I glared at her with soft eyes and still-frowning brows. “You don’t know?” I asked as slowly as words could leave the mouth.

My question seemed to be the trigger that set off her crying. She covered her face with her hands and began to weep into them. All her walls had been broken down for the first time in a really long time in front of me. My heart had truly broken from seeing her like that.

“Baby, come here,” I said softly with open arms.

She didn’t give the idea a second thought as she removed her seatbelt and climbed over the threshold into my lap and buried her face in my neck. She cried softly against me, and I rubbed soothing circles on her back.

Regina often had these moments. Moments of anxiousness where she would either start a silent argument with me, or openly cry in front of me without actually saying what was wrong because she was too scared to confront the issue. She had always struggled with anxiety, and the panic attacks came with it. And they were in no way easy. But this was different. Sometimes it could take hours, even days, to get her to settle down. But other times, times like these, all I would have to do is lower my voice to an octave she felt completely vulnerable with and show her that I cared to listen. 

However, out of the many times where the ‘lowering my voice’ trick would work, this was the first time she so openly allowed me to comfort her. Other times, I couldn’t even get near her yet alone touch her. I was so used to a shoe being thrown at me, or her random and annoying silent treatments, that her allowing me to comfort her now surprised me and even warmed my heart. I felt like I was finally getting somewhere with her. 

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered quietly, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong with you, Gina. Nothing’s wrong with you.” I whispered as my second hand cradled her head. She kept crying, each second only getting more and more sniffy. “Hey,” I held her head in my hands and pulled it up so that I could look her in the eyes. “I think you’re perfect. Everything is right about you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

“There is,” she argued quietly.

“No there isn’t.”

“Yes there is, Em.”

“Stop saying that. There is nothing wrong with you, Regina,” I argued back.

“Then why do I think like this all the time? Why am I always this way? Why do I feel like I'd rather die than be sober? Why am I different? Why can’t I be normal?”

“Well that’s what I love about you. I love the fact that you’re not like everyone else-”

“Yeah, you can say that, and I know you mean it. But why?” she cried, “I don’t understand why you would ever want to be with someone like me. We barely talk sometimes, because of me; I know you get frustrated with me most of the time ,and that’s on me too; we bicker like sibling all of the time, and most of that is because of me as well; I can’t control the way I feel sometimes and I take that out of you, and I know it annoys you. So, I don’t see why you would want to be with me. I don’t like feeling different. I don’t like feeling like the only thing I can turn to is drugs or sex whenever I’m feeling anxious. I don’t like feeling like I’m gonna ruin everything and hurt everyone around me. And I just don’t wanna feel like I’m dying every second of every day. I hate it.”

To be completely honest, I didn’t know why Regina thought like this, or why she felt the way she did sometimes. But I knew that it was a real thing for her. And I knew that I had to be really careful with my choice of words and actions because she could get really sharp and closed off if I ever made her feel uncomfortable. Which I made sure to never make her feel.

“Why do you even wanna be with me?” she asked again, highlighting the fact that the first time she asked wasn’t a rhetorical question.

“Because I like being around you. Because you make me happy. Because I love you,” I answered.

“Why?” she asked.

“Why do you always ask me why, when I never get to ask you the same question?” I retorted.

"Look at me, I'm a mess," she said, looking away, “You shouldn’t wanna be with me. And the fact that you do is just…”

"Well, I do wanna be with you. We’re all a mess sometimes, and that’s okay. And it’s especially okay because you’re my mess." 

I watched as her eyes found mine and hardened. "No, I'm a disaster waiting to happen Emma, and when it does, you won't like it." 

"So be it. When it comes, I'll be right here," I shrugged in response.

“I know you will. And that’s what scares me,” she said. And I took a moment to just look at her, trying my best to read into her emotions to see what was really going on inside her head. But trying to do that was like trying to read through steel, and I was no Supergirl.

“Why? Because you’re special.” I finally answered, “And you’re so, so unique.” I said softly, “And you worry about the things that mean the most to you, and sometimes that can make you scared. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel scared or anxious, or that everything is going wrong, or that there isn’t anything else to turn to…But that’s why I’m here, baby. All I ask is that you talk to me when you’re feeling like this. I want to listen, I want you to turn to me and lean on me. That’s all I ask, is that you come and talk to me just like you are now. And it doesn’t matter what we talk about, as long as we’re talking. Because that means you’re getting it off your chest and you’re not bottling it up inside. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll make you feel a little bit better.”

She sniffled and swiped the back of her hand across her nose then looked down sadly. I ducked my head down to try and get her to look back up to my eyes but she stayed looking down. I squeezed her thigh gently to grab her attention as I asked, “Okay? Is that okay?”

I thought I saw a slight nod of her head, which pleased me. So I then proceeded to ask, “So can you maybe tell me what it was that got you all anxious at work?...Or is that too much for you right now?” 

She sniffled again and connected her forehead with mine as if it was now too heavy to hold up on her own. Her forehead skin wrinkling against mine and her lips shivering before she said, “It’s my mother.”

“Your mother?”

Regina had never really spoken to me about her mother before. I mean, she had told me one or two stories about her childhood regarding her parents, but her mother was never a subject of main interest. So I didn’t know anything about that side of her family. And, honestly, I was surprised that Regina was finally talking about her. 

“We, um..we never really got along when I was growing up. It’s kind of a long story, but um...” She paused and sniffled again, lifting her forehead from mine but still looking down as if she was afraid to meet my eyes. “At work, I sort of had an episode,” I smiled at her decision to use the word I chose to use earlier on our walk back from her workplace, “where I was reliving my last moments with her. The conversation we had. It just brought back a lot of bad memories and...um, abandonment issues. It put me back in that part of my life, the feeling of being stuck, running through this space for so long, knowing I was completely trapped and alone...The silence was the worst part. I felt completely cut off from everyone I’ve ever known.” She hiccupped and sniffled at the same time, which just might have been the cutest combination of bodily reactions that she’d ever done. “So that’s what happened..at work.” For a slip second, she looked up but immediately looked back down when she felt like eye contact was too strong for her at that moment. “I don’t know how to control it. It happens all the time. Sometimes it's small and I can take it, but other times it’s not, and it feels like my heads gonna explode if I don’t scream or do something. It's like...it’s like this feeling, I don’t really know how to explain it. But it forces me to relive the scariest moments of my life, like when Daniel died. And... It’s...ugh...It’s torture…...How am I supposed to deal with that?” 

“Well, by remembering that your fears don’t define you.” It was a simple conclusion to such a big problem, I know. But it was all I could think to come up with on the spot. “It’s remembering that you, this beautiful woman that I wake up next door to every day, are strong, and smart, and capable, and who means so much to me. It’s who you are as Regina Mills that matters-”

“But who I am as Regina Mills feels broken.” she said through a suddenly croaking voice, and a single tear fell directly from her eye onto my shirt. “Em, baby, I am trying to be myself again, to be Regina Mills again. But everything that used to make me feel good, i-it’s disappeared. And all I'm left with is this hollow feeling that haunts me every day. This feeling that makes me think no one should want me.”

“It’s not always gonna feel like that. I promise.” I tried to reassure her. But she shook her head, saying, “It doesn’t feel like that’s possible. I mean, with everything that happened with my mom and her not wanting me, and…” Wait, what? “I guess I’m just-like-I have this constant fear of being left alone and having everyone turn their backs on me. And it makes me anxious cause, like, I’m scared to lose the family that I do have left, and that includes you. I’m scared that you’ll turn your back on me too. And I guess I, like, subconsciously push you away because I’m scared. And I don’t want you to hate me when I get too much inside my own head like this, cause… I’m afraid to mess this up, Em. Like, I don’t wanna hurt you. Cause like, you’re the best consistent thing to happen to me in like a really long time. And, like, I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you too,” she sobbed.

Regina would often use the word ‘like’ in her phrasing whenever she was really nervous or scared. And it would mostly happen when she was crying—not that she cried very much in front of me. But it was something I always noticed. It made my heart melt whenever she did it. There wasn’t anything overly special about the way she did it. But she just reminded me of a sobbing toddler who took a bad fall and scraped their knee against hard pavement, then ran to their parents begging to fix it. And I mean that in the cutest, most adorable way. It made me feel like she was actually depending on me. And that is the greatest feeling in the entire world - to feel like someone actually needed you.

“You’re never gonna lose me.” I reassured her, subconsciously tightening my hold.

“I don’t ever wanna be left alone Emma. Not again. Especially after Daniel.” She started wiping at her leaking eyes furiously as she spoke, “I’m already, like, growing apart from everyone, and you’re the only one left that I’m like super close to, aside from Ruby, but she lives like a million miles away and that sucks sometimes. But I don’t wanna lose you, even when I tell you to go away I don’t mean it, cause you’re the weight that holds me down, you know? And without that, I feel like I’ll just float away. And I don’t wanna float away,” she said, her voice hoarse from crying.

“And you won’t.” I said to try and make her feel better, “R’Gina, I know that you’ve lived most of your life having to deal with loss, and so have I. And no matter how much you think I don’t, I do understand. I understand that sometimes you feel overwhelmed and like everything is happening at once and it stresses you out. And I understand that you don’t want to feel alone, I feel that way sometimes too.” 

“You do?” she asked hopefully, as if happy to hear that she wasn’t crazy for feeling the way she felt.

“Yeah, sometimes. But I promise you, you won’t ever be alone. I promise, okay? You’ll always have someone here for you, cross my heart and swear to die.” I said, and she then nodded before she buried her head in my neck again and hugged me tightly. I sighed a heavy sigh as I hugged her back with just as much passion.

Until that moment, I never really understood anxiety. At least not in the way that Regina lived it. I never understood why sometimes simple day-to-day things would get her anxious. Or why even the simplest thought of getting through a day would cause her to go into a panic and consequently rely on drugs. I never understood why she couldn’t sleep sometimes. Or why she would get heartaches and headaches when she was confronted by a situation she was unfamiliar to. Or why she was scared of commitment. Or why she was scared to get too close. Or why she gave me the silent treatment and tried to push me away sometimes. I always just blamed it on her grieving for her ex-boyfriend. Because the Regina Mills I saw before Daniel was different, she always looked happy in public, but I knew now that that was all a front because in private, she would cry herself to sleep from her hidden anxiety.

Until that moment, I never knew that I would never understand her. I always thought that I would eventually get it, that I would eventually catch up, that I would eventually see things the way she did. But in that very moment, as I clung to her so tightly that my hands went numb, I knew that understanding her would never be something I would accomplish. I never understood that I would never understand why she did the things she did. Or why she felt the way she did. Or why she said the things she did.

All I could do was be present. I couldn’t help her in the ways I thought I could, because I was always going to lose to her anxiety and panic. Always. And I wish I had accepted that back then because maybe I wouldn’t have tried to fight it. Maybe if I didn’t think that she should have loved me more than she hated her anxiety...maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have ended up behind bars two years later.

Nonetheless, it was also at that moment that I knew my heart would forever belong to her. I mean, I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her at thirteen years old that she would be a part of my life forever, but I had never felt more like hers than I did in this very moment as her head laid on my shoulder.

I blinked really slowly as I focused on comforting the angel in my lap. I kissed the side of her forehead and hummed a small “I love you”. And we stayed in that very position for a long while, until the sun would leave the sky and the night would present itself, promising the start of a new day that was yet to come.

\- - - - - - - - - - - / - - - - - - - - - - -


	14. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

“Choke me,” she gasped in between a ragged moan, grabbing at my hand and putting it up to her neck.

“What?” I asked, pausing for a split second to make sure I heard her correctly.

“Choke me. Hard,” she repeated.

It never really occurred to me that Regina might have had a kink for submission until that very moment while I laid naked atop her. I mean, I knew she was not new to experimenting - cough, cough, the Ruby threesome thing - but wanting to be choked while we had sex was on an entirely different level of submission. 

It might have had something to do with her whole anxiety shit and always having to feel controlled or that her life was in control. I don’t know exactly what it was, but I kinda liked it. I liked that she wanted me to be in control. I liked the power it gave me; a power that I felt I often lacked in other areas of my life. 

She squeezed my hand against her neck and whimpered, “Please,” so I complied, wrapping my fingers around her slender neck and squeezing tight enough to earn a small whimper. My other hand continued to impale her, hard and fast, desperate for her to reach an orgasm.

I was no expert. But Regina sure did make me feel like I was. She would thrash on the bed whenever she was close to cumming, and she moaned like she was being murdered. She was a squirter too - that made me feel less skeptical about her possibly faking it, because I had never heard anyone moan the way Regina did. She was loud and very sensitive. But that’s besides the point. The point is that she was into the very mild version of BDSM. From what I had read and seen about BDSM, it was some real intense shit. And don’t get me wrong, if you’re into that whole thing that’s totally cool. I just wasn’t into it. I mean, I loved feeling in control in the bedroom, and I loved to rob Regina of her pleasure from time to time just to drive her even more crazy with lust, and I did like to use a few constricting toys sometimes, and we also tried some experimental pain and pleasure techniques that I knew Regina loved. But that was about it. There was no rough ‘punishment’ nor extreme Sadism nor Masochism. We just had fun sex.   
I curved my three fingers inside her warm pulsing core and she jerked forward in reaction, tensing around my three limbs.

“Make me yours.” She moaned, grabbing onto my face and bringing my lips to hers. 

I forcefully pulled away and shackled her hands to the bed, “You do not get to boss me around, Miss Mills.” I attempted a strict tone but Regina only laughed. So I rolled my eyes but kissed her hungrily at the same time, giving off two conflicting emotions. I was annoyed that she couldn’t take my ‘sexy voice’ seriously, but I was also too horny to care enough, so I just kissed her. She looked so delicious beneath me.

I could taste the liquor on her tongue and the smoke on her breath. It wasn’t a very nice combination but I was so used to it at that point that I didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted her.

I pulled away from her lips after a while and ducked down so that my mouth could finish the job my fingers had already started. With no hesitation, I ran my tongue through her slick folds, separating them with ease, and humming at the taste I so admired. 

Regina groaned and tensed and she flung her head back, exposing that long, slender neck that I marked with love bites and the very faint imprints of my hand.

I smiled at her reaction and delved in, lapping her up like I hadn’t eaten all day. And the response I continued to get from her only fueled my sexual drive more.  
Forget about whatever you may have heard in the past about diamonds. A flat tongue lapping contentedly over a woman’s tingling, throbbing clit while you rhythmically slide a finger inside her, will instantly make you a woman's best fuck. At least that’s what worked on Regina every single time.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” She screamed.

I paused, removing my mouth from her center, just to torment her. “Hands by your side. And don’t you dare think about cumming until I say so.” I said as I slowly inserted two fingers.

She exhaled a ragged breath and squeezed her face together tightly, almost as tightly as she was squeezing her vaginal walls around my fingers as I continued to gently gyrate in and out of her. 

“Right there. Fuck, don’t stop.”

“We’re being demanding now, are we?” I questioned, highlighting my authority over her body.

“I’m sorry,” She whimpered.

What Regina had was like the opposite of having daddy issues. If there was such a thing, I’m certain it would be called ‘mommy issues’ because the way she made me control her and take full advantage, made me feel like I was feeding some part of her that was missing. Like I was filling a hole, both literally and metaphorically. 

“Mhff...” she sounded, trying to hold off from cumming. I could tell that it was getting difficult for her, but that didn’t stop the smug grin on my face and my fingers did what they knew what to do best. “I can’t hold it anymore, Emma, I’m gonna-”

“Not yet. Hold it.” I interrupted her, speeding up my jerking hand as fast as it could go. I could feel my own wetness soiling my underwear. My own vagina pulsing and begging to be touched. But pleasuring Regina first was my main priority right now.

“I can’t! I-”

“Do you want me to stop?” I threatened.

She shook her head, biting down on her bottom lip so hard that I would have been surprised if she didn’t draw blood.

“Then hold it.” I said. And she obeyed, toes curling, hips bucking, fingers curled into the sheets, thighs jiggling, anything to endure the pleasurable pain until I instructed her otherwise.

I loved the rush that I felt when I mercilessly broke her down. My fingers pushing inside of her, filling her, weakening her resolve. While my stern voice etched the last resistance of self control from her body. She was now mine and she knew it, lost in desire to do with whatever I craved. “Now cum for me baby girl, cum for me,”

“Aghh..fuck, Emma...”

And just like that, she was surfing through wave after wave of an ecliptic orgasm.

Job well done.

\-----

As I was saying before the whole sex-BDSM(barely)-relationship-and-romance thing, Regina and I never really acknowledged much of the underlying issues between us. Most times, I really did feel like I was only there to fill the holes she had regarding her mommy issues. Other times, I just felt like I was an opium for her anxiety and panic attacks. 

We never talked about it at all. In fact, most times it went unnoticed. Either she would get into one of her moods and ignore me all day(as you’ve seen before), then we would get all lovey-dovey and pretend nothing happened a few days later. Or I would get angry and break something or punch someone and we’d just ignore the topic all together and drown ourselves in drugs and sex - she more so than me. The only other time we talked about anything vaguely serious in terms of mental health was on that day that you saw in the car.

So, what I’m trying to say is that her communication skills, regarding how she was feeling, never got better; it got worse. And my so-called ‘anger issues’, which I seriously don’t think was that big of a problem, got more...what’s the word? Frequent? 

-May 2007-

“Shall we order some drinks?” I asked after sitting down in the chair across from my girlfriend. I had just kindly pulled her chair out for her before sitting down myself. We were in a restaurant for a spontaneous date night, and it was a lot nicer than any place Regina and I was used to going on a date night.

“Not tonight, babe,” she answered, unfolding the napkin on the table and spreading it over her lap.

“Why not? We always order drinks first,” I asked, sounding somewhat disappointed because I was looking forward to a drink tonight, especially because I hadn’t had any in a while and I was having a hard day that day. Plus, if Regina was not drinking with me, I’d feel weird being the only one drinking between us. 

“I just don’t think alcoholic drinks would mix well with the quaaludes I took earlier.”

I paused, just staring at her with a straight face before I asked, “When did you take quaaludes?”

She looked down and shyly said, “In the car, when we stopped at the gas station and you got out to fill the tank.”

“Babe..” I said, more disappointment lacing my tone, “I thought we were gonna have a clean dinner tonight, no drugs.”

“I’m sorry, I got nervous,” she said.

I sighed, looking down at the open menu in front of me briefly and shaking my head before glancing back up at her. She looked down again as soon as our eyes met, ashamed. So I softened, “I mean...it’s fine. I just wish we could have had a drug-free night tonight cause we don’t have a lot of those.”

She kept looking down as she said, “I’m sorry, Emma.”

“It’s okay,” I sighed again, picking up the menu in front of me on the table and scanning over it. “What do you think would be good for starters? The Shrimp Taco Bites look good, eh?”

“Mhm hmm…but I was thinking I’d get the Eggplant Parmesan maybe?”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, it looks tasty,” she nodded, glancing up from the menu on the table to me.

“Alright...” I let my eye scroll over the appetizers on offer once more before I settled with my first choice, “Yeah, I’m gonna get the Shrimp Taco Bites.”

And so we called over the waiter to place our orders. He was a young boy, probably my age, and had a lion’s mane for hair. He was a boney little thing, but I could tell that he was wealthy - or rather his parents were wealthy; the kind of parents to force their rich kids to get a job in order to gain ‘life experience’- I could tell because the boy looked like he didn’t even want to be there. Plus, the Rolex and nice shoes kinda gave it away. “Hi, how can I help you?” The waiter kindly greeted us.

“Yes, we’re ready to order.” 

“Of course, what would you like tonight?”

“I’ll get the Shrimp Taco Bites and she will have Eggplant Parmesan. Also, a glass of red wine for me--actually just bring the whole bottle, and a glass of coca cola?” I asked Regina. She nodded and I looked back at the waiter and nodded before finishing, “Yes, and a glass of coca cola for the lady.”

“Okay…” he said in a humming tone as he wrote down the last of our order. He looked up once he was done and said, “Our chef’s special is also on offer tonight. The Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms with Roasted Tomatoes and Goat Cheese It’s a local favorite, and is recommended by myself. Would you like to add that to your order?”

I looked towards Regina skeptically and she shrugged, so I looked back at the waiter and said, “Sure, why not? We’ll give it a try.”

“Alright, I’ll be back with your drinks shortly,” he said.

“Thank you.” I said, watching him closely. He thought he was being sly as he gave Regina a small mischievous wink before he walked off. I caught it, but Regina didn’t. 

I chose to ignore it though just because I wanted Regina and I to have a chill night tonight. I didn’t want to be the reason for our date to go even further downhill.

Needless to say, the dinner was lovely. But each and every time that waiter approached our table, his attempt at slyness became progressively worse. While serving our desserts, the guy couldn’t get his eyes off my girlfriend’s cleavage. I clenched my teeth and just watched him the whole time, trying to get my building frustration in order. Because if I said anything, the manager would most likely throw us out for ‘causing a scene’. So I kept my mouth shut…until I couldn’t.

“Can I get anything else for you lovely folks?”

“No, I think we’re good. Right, baby?” I said, making sure to put an extra emphasis on ‘baby’ just to make the point clear if it wasn’t already.

Regina nodded in response, saying, “Yeah, we’re okay. We’ll just take the check, thank you.”

The waiter left us and went to get our check. I looked at Regina as he walked away and she smiled, knowing full well the reason why I had been giving the guy my deadliest eyes throughout our dinner. She tried to hide a smirk behind her hand as she said, “Um, I’m gonna clean up a bit in the restroom. I’ll be right back-”

Just as Regina stood up and turned, that very same waiter that I had been wishing death upon for the entire evening, came up behind Regina unexpectedly and crashed into her with a tray of drinks, spilling them all over Regina and all over the floor.

Regina gasped suddenly, the unexpected action frightening her. I quickly stood up to my feet, a sudden surge of anger springing forth as I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him up aggressively,   
then slammed him against a nearby column.

Regina quickly saw what I was doing and exclaimed in a warning tone, “Emma! Emma!” It’s as if she knew what I was going to do before I even did it.

“Apologize to the lady now, or I’ll rip your fucking balls out with my bare hands.” I threatened through gritted teeth.

“Emma.” I heard Regina’s voice again, it was softer. She was trying to stop me from possibly doing something I was going to regret. “It’s okay, it was just an accident. I’m fine,” she said.

“Jesus fucking Christ, she said she’s fine!” the waiter said, panicked as I held him up against the column. My hand quickly moved to his neck and I squeezed, intending to choke the living daylight out of him - and not in the erotic kind of way. But again, Regina’s voice made me pause, “Emma, please, it’s not worth it.” She moved closer to me and carefully reoriented my eyes in her direction by use of her index finger and thumb on my chin. “I’m okay.”

I clenched my teeth as hard as I could and huffed out a frustrated breath before I let him go and he fell to the floor.

“Hey,” Regina brushed her hand against my forearm gently, “you okay?”

“Absolutely fine.” I said, glancing around me to see that every single eye in the restaurant was on us. I pulled out my purse and slapped a hundred dollar bill on the table before walking away, not caring if Regina was following me or not.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of what Regina used to call ‘anger issues’. Well, I beg to differ. That was the result of feeling disrespected, plus annoyed, plus feeling deprived of having a sober girlfriend for one night - one fucking night, that’s all I asked, but no, she had to go take a fucking pill - and then the drink spilling at the end did it for me. I had very good reasons as to why I wanted to rip that guy’s balls out from its place between his legs. He was an ass. And a very obvious one. He spilled some drink on my girl, and I felt that it was right of me to defend her. And I’ll never apologize for that.

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	15. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

The days became weeks, and the weeks became months. From one happy day to the next, Regina and I began the process of creating a life together. And before we knew it, two more years had passed.  
I never went to college, but I did manage to graduate from high school, somehow. It all got stressful for me to handle in the end but I did it. I was working too, but only part-time. Neal took care of all of the bills, as he usually did, so I only worked to save, because the money Neal would give me from time to time wasn’t exactly clean, so I couldn’t put it in my savings. It wasn’t much use to me, aside from buying the everyday essentials or just small stuff that I wanted or wanted to buy for Regina.

When I left school, life seemed a tiny bit easier. Because, for one, my entire days no longer revolved around an institution that brainwashes students into capitalism. I could now focus on the things that I wanted to do. Things that involved more of Regina, and less bullshit-work like algebra - which I was sure I was never gonna use again.

But more Regina led to more drugs. And for me, that meant more worry. Soon, Regina began calling all the shots for where my share of the drugs and money that Neal would give me went. In fact, she called the shots for most things in my life at that point. I never complained though because I knew I belonged to her, and if it made her happy, that would mean we were both happy. So, I did whatever I had to, to make that a reality. 

We did get far more involved with Neal’s whole drug thing than I would have liked though. I mean, I wanted to have a life separate from his, where I didn’t feel the need to be watching my own back all the time, especially because of who Regina’s father was. But I guess I sorta just fell into his lane on default because I didn’t know any better at the time. I was a mischievous kid, with a huge appetite for spending. And to spend money you had to make money. And there was only one way I knew how to make money fast. So...that’s how I got involved.

Regina and I got up to a lot of mischievous shit during that time too, most of which involved delivering drugs for my brother and getting ‘distracted’ during the process of doing that, then spending an hour fucking in the backseat of her father’s car. But we did other things like rob a few corner shops, and mess with school kids on roadsides, and there was that one time where we had a sleepover in a Target just for the fun of it, which I’m pretty sure was illegal...Okay, I’m starting to see the trend here...moral of the story is that we were criminals.

But, all in all, things were good between Regina and I. In fact, good is a massive understatement. Things were amazing.

I even planned to pop the big question... So, for that reason, this part of my life I’d like to call, ‘Proposal.’

It was a Saturday afternoon. Regina and I had been dating for nearly four years, and we had plans of moving in together in a fairly pricey neighborhood in Manhattan, New York.

On the day we planned to move, everything was in order. All our stuff from back home made it through the numerous car journeys unharmed. And everything seemed to be running along nicely that day. 

Everything except for Regina’s anxiety. 

I didn’t want to have to deal with her mind games and the entire ‘panic attack’ situation on that day, so I left early to start the long and tiring journey of moving all our furniture and belongings from Boston to Manhattan. I wouldn’t be finished until the end of the next day.

After that morning, Regina put me on one of her silent treatments again as punishment because, according to her, “I left her to deal with her shit on her own.”

I didn’t argue against it because it was true. But at the same time, my silence made her even more furious at me. So she decided to stay in Boston for a few more days with her father while I moved down to Manhattan.

But I got the feeling that wasn’t the only reason Regina decided to avoid me for days. We had a silly argument about a week prior that we were both still caught up in and hadn’t fully resolved yet. She was mad at me for picking a shade of grey paint that she didn’t like for the walls in our apartment. I know, first world problems. But I liked the color and thought she would like it too. And if you and I know Regina Mills well, we know that the argument wasn’t just about paint. She only blamed it on paint because she was ignoring the real issue; she was bottling everything up and then ejaculating all of it out on me. The argument didn’t even need to be as big as it was if she just told me what the underlying problem was in the first place. But no, we had to get in an unnecessary feud that was now leaving me to move to our new home without her.

Ruby was helping me with unpacking the last few boxes while I waited for Regina to call and let me know when she would be coming. But until then, Ruby promised to keep me company until Regina could get there so that I wouldn’t be sleeping in the apartment by myself, which I was grateful for.

“Hey, this is the last one.” Ruby called to me as she came into the apartment with the final box. “I wasn’t sure if I could bring this all the way up those stairs in one try, but I did it. You’re welcome,” she said, a slight playfulness in her tone.

“Thanks, Ruby. I really appreciate your help.” I said, carefully adjusting the photo frame I’d been fighting with for the past five minutes. I wanted to make sure it was straight on the wall, I didn’t need another thing for Regina to start an argument with me about.

“No problem. I had to help out my two best friends, especially when it has to do with an apartment that’s as nice as this,” Ruby said, putting the box down on a nearby table. I snickered quietly at her comment. 

“And look what I got you…” she called at me as she opened the box and pulled out a plant pot that contained a lovely looking snake plant. “Here, a plant even you can’t kill.”

I gave her an unimpressed look as I asked, “Is that a challenge?”

“Please don’t kill the fake plant.” She said, rolling her eyes. And I started laughing. “Regina would probably beat me to it.” 

“Where is my other best friend anyway? I thought she’d be here already,” Ruby asked.

“Regina should be here in a few hours. She texted me yesterday.” I answered.

Ruby wrinkled her face as she looked over to me. “Yesterday? Are you two good?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” I shrugged.

“You sure? Cause I remember a time where I couldn’t get either of you to answer the phone cause you were too busy chatting with each other all day on it,” Ruby said.

“What can I say? We were newly dating and obsessed with each other. We wanted to be around each other all the time.”

“No one should be that obsessed. It’s odd.” She said.

“Says the girl who ditched hanging out with us last summer because you had a new boo. Who, by the way, you couldn’t leave alone for even a second,” I said.

“Okay, that was different,” she argued.

“No, it wasn’t,” I laughed. “You ditched us for a girl you’re not even talking to anymore Ruby.”

“Whatever,” she said, rolling those big green eyes of hers.

I smiled at her denial and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing two mugs then moving over to the sink. “What can I get you: tea, coffee, water?”

“Tea please, no--”

“--No milk, two sugars. Gotcha.” I finish for her, filling up the mugs with water then putting them in the microwave. “Hey, I actually wanted to ask your opinion on something.” I said as I busied myself to open the cupboard and retrieved two teabags.

“What’s up?” I heard Ruby ask from somewhere behind me. And before I could spill my dilemma, Ruby is saying, “That’s a nice watch by the way. It's new?”

I glanced down at the thin black leather watch decorating my wrist and smiled. The glimmering silver face smiled back at me. “Yeah, it’s Neal’s. I stole it before I left. Figured he wouldn’t miss it, given how much of them he has stashed away.” 

I glanced back at Ruby and she nodded through a pout. “It’s really nice. Bet it’s expensive too.”

“Probably,” I said.

“So, what’s the news?”

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted to ask my opinion of something.”

“Oh right,” I sighed, “I was thinking of asking Regina to…maybe, marry me.”

A thick silence ensued.

“You wanna propose?” she asked with both brows raised. I didn’t know what to make of her expression. It was as if she was surprised, happy, and disappointed all at the same time.

“Well, that sounds a bit official, but yeah. It’s what I want…and it’s what I see as the next step in our relationship,” I said, “But I wanted to ask your opinion first.”

“Wow…”

“Is that a good wow, or a bad wow?” I asked, moving over to the other side of the kitchen to grab the sugar.

“Neither. I’m just concerned that maybe you guys aren’t ready,” she said in a slightly higher pitch, glancing away as if she was afraid I’d get offended by her opinion.

“Aren’t ready? It’s been nearly four years, Ruby. Four years in a couple of days actually.”

“Well, yeah. But, I mean, you’re still young. You’re twenty-one. And you still have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to rush into this? Do you want to spend the rest of your young adult life in a marriage?” she asked.

“If it’s with Regina, then yes,” I said.

I watched her lips turn up in response to my words. And I knew that face far too well to let her get away with it. “What?” I asked, letting my head fall sideways as if it was too heavy..

“Nothing. It’s just…I think you should wait,” she said, “And I don’t mean anything bad by it because Regina is my best friend too. I just…I think that there are some things about Regina that makes her a little bit hard to handle sometimes. And you’ve gotta be sure in yourself that you won’t run away whenever those things start to happen on a day-to-day basis. And trust me, they happen often, and they can be annoying.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. I have been dating her for almost four years.” I said in a ‘matter of fact’ manner.

“I know. But make sure you’re not gonna run away when the real bad ones happen. Cause I assure you, you haven’t seen the really bad ones. So I think you should wait. Be 200% sure that this is what you want.   
Don’t be like George O'malley in season 2 of Grey’s anatomy.”

I looked her in the eyes for a moment, thinking about her opinion. I did ask for it after all. But I was hoping she would be excited for us, not whatever this was.

I never understood Ruby’s response back then. I never understood why she thought me marrying Regina would mean I was rushing into things. I mean, Regina and I had been dating for almost four years and I thought we were in a really good place. But Ruby didn’t think that for some reason. I suppose, now that I am able to look back on my life, I get it. She was secretly into me, like I had been into Regina ever since the day I saw her. I guess somewhere in her mind she was hoping to have me to herself someday.

The microwave started beeping and I opened it to quickly remove the hot mugs. I dropped the teabags in each cut and stood there and waited for them to sink all the way to the bottom. 

Then I found myself turning around to face Ruby again. “You know, I think you’re wrong,” I said.

She blinked at me and tilted her head slightly to the right, waiting for me to inform her on my reason.

“George O'malley mistakenly got married in season 3, not season 2,” I smirked, almost laughing as I swiftly turned back to the cups of tea again. I heard Ruby snicker behind me, and before she could respond in any way, my phone started to ring.

I plucked it from my back pocket and saw that it was Regina. I immediately started to move towards the back room of the apartment as I slid my thumb across the screen to answer it.

"Hey baby," I said softly, walking into the room and closing the door behind me. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to take the call away from Ruby, but it felt weird to answer it in front of her after the conversation we just had.

"Hi," Regina said back through the phone, her voice unusually quiet.

"I'm so glad you called. I've been trying to unpack all our stuff with Ruby here with me and it’s been chaos-"

"Can you meet me?" she asked, cutting me off.

“Ahh…wait, you’re here already? Why didn’t you call me? I could have-”

“My dad gave me a ride,” she said, cutting me off again. “We need to talk. Can you meet me?”

"You bet," I said, getting the sense she was still mad at me, but ignoring her bluntness just to keep the peace.

"Like, now." she said, or rather demanded.

"Okay. Where?" I asked.

"At the bridge in the park," she answered.

"I'm on my way," I said.

"And um…bring me some medicine, please." 

Regina would often refer to the drugs as ‘medicine’ whenever she was in a public place. It sounded better than saying the actual word, ‘drugs’. Because saying the actual word would mean admitting that she had a problem. But, of course, she never wanted to admit that. And I never wanted to upset her by bringing it up, so I often just complied to whatever she asked for.

“Ah, there isn’t much left in your stash but, I mean, sure. I think there’s Xanax, or um…heroine if you’re feeling for the hard stuff, ecstasy, or some base – the light ones. What do you feel up for?”

“The first one, please,” she said.

“Okay, I got you,” I said. Before hanging up, I tried to say, "Hey, I love you-" but Regina hung up on me before the full sentence could leave my mouth. I sighed and shook my head as I removed the phone from my ear and opened the door to walk back to the kitchen.

Ruby had finished making the tea and was taking small sips of hers.

“Hey, that was Regina, she’s in town. I’m gonna meet her right now. You can stay here for as long as you’d like cause I get the feeling I’m gonna be out for a while,” I said as I grabbed my car keys from the counter and walked over to Regina’s backpack that was on the floor over in the living room.

“Everything okay?” Ruby asked.

“Yeah. She just wants to talk,” I said, picking up the bag and checking that all of Regina’s ‘medicine’ was still there.

“Oh, that doesn’t sound good,” she said.

“No, it doesn’t. But it’ll be fine, I’m sure we’ll talk through whatever it is. Probably just another mental breakdown.” I didn’t bother to pick out the Xanax from Regina’s bag as I would usually do whenever Regina asked for her medicine. I just zipped the bag shut with all the drugs inside it and flung it over my shoulder. I also made a mental note of grabbing my leather jacket before I left because inside it was the ring that   
I spent far too much money on.

“Well, good luck. I’ll be here,” Ruby said.

I stopped and looked at her for a moment. She smiled at me. I grinned as I walked over to her with open arms, initiating a hug. “Thanks, Rubes. I think I’ll need it this time.”

She laughed quietly against my ear before we pulled apart. “Regina can be a bitchy-bitch most of the time but, that’s why we love her...especially when the bitchiness is towards other people and not us.” She tapped my shoulder lightly and smiled a smile I would never forget, then I was off to meet my girlfriend.

That was the last time I was ever able to hug my best friend or even see her without a thick glass barrier separating us. Because little did I know, that was the day that the end of my life began.

I drove to the park after leaving Ruby, to meet Regina. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t looking forward to it. I knew Regina’s state of mind wasn’t going to be good when I saw her, but I had hoped that I could change it with the charm of mine that she had once fallen in love with.

I got out of my car, which by the way was the first vehicle I had ever owned. I loved it and was proud that I could even afford one that didn’t come from my brother’s dirty money. It was actually mine. Never in a million years did I ever think I would have one, given that I grew up in a neighborhood where you would be considered rich if you even had a cheap motorcycle. I actually had a car. Regina wasn’t as keen on the   
style or color of my little bug, she called it a ‘tiny metal death chamber’. But that never changed my mind about it, in fact, it made my love for the car grow more.

Anyways, enough about my obsession over the car. I got out of the vehicle and looked around briefly before I saw Regina pacing back and forth on the Central Park bridge. I let out a heavy sigh before I walked over to her with my hands behind my back. I smiled when she saw me approaching her. "You look beautiful," I said firstly, removing my hand from behind my back to reveal a bouquet of the only flowers Regina had ever liked. "Roses. Your favorite."

Regina looked down at them but didn't take them. She looked up at me, a familiar sadness in her eyes. And before I could say anything else she was walking past me and towards the car. I dropped my hands with a silent sigh and squeezed my eyes shut before I turned and walked after her.

We both got in the car and I started to drive without question. This was one of those times where I didn’t know where this situation would end. Usually, I could tell if it was going to be a long day or a shorter day depending on her expression. But I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen.

"You okay?" I eventually asked as I drove down the busy streets of New York.

"No." She mumbled, then got quiet for a really long time. I waited patiently for her to say something else, squeezing the steering wheel as a mode of relieving the anxiety that she was passing onto me. 

"Um...there's something I have to talk to you about, Emma."

"Okay..."

She took a deep breath and glared out the window as she said, "This moving-in thing is not a good idea."

What?  
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	16. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

Yep. Unfortunately, this isn’t gonna be one of those dream sequence moments in a book where everything turns out okay after a deep conversation and a few endearing exchanges. This conversation between 

Regina and I really did happen. But before you read any further, I want you to understand the reason behind why this part of my life ever even happened.

As I’ve previously mentioned, Regina had her moments of panic where her anxiety would get the best of her. And oftentimes I could handle it. But other times, the hardest times, the darkest times, the times where she would take out all her frustration on me and I, in turn, would take my frustration out on her, I couldn’t handle it.

This is the part of my story where things may start to become a little bit more difficult to read. This is the part of me that I hate; the part of me I wished Regina never had to see, especially when it was directed at her and not someone else; the part that made one ‘second chance’ feel like a 1,016 ‘second chances’; the part that made her turn on me; the part of my story that led me on the path of deep hatred for the next ten years.

Hence, this part is the part of my life I’d like to call, ‘Tragic’.

“This moving-in thing is not a good idea." she said.

"What?" I asked, shocked at the sudden unexpectancy of her statement.

"I don't wanna move in with you anymore. I feel like we’re going too fast."

"What are you talking about? We’ve been together for almost four years, Regina. I don’t know how much slower you want us to go."

“Well-I just think it’s too fast, Emma. Like, seriously, what are we doing? Where is this going?” she asked, and the expression on her face plus the tone of her voice showed me a true representation of an existential crisis. “My father thinks we’re taking things too swiftly-”

“Wait, your father? What does your father have to do with this?”

“I-I…” she sighed and lowered her head, “He just doesn’t think this is a good idea.”

“Your father has never had an issue with our relationship before. So where is this coming from?” I was beginning to worry that she was only using her father’s name to try and slow down the progression of the relationship she had with me. Some part of her brain probably thought it would be easier for me to handle us slowing things down if she blamed it on something else. In this case, someone else. Her father.

"He revealed to me that he doesn’t think me moving in with you is the right thing for me right now. I mean, it was different when we lived next door to each other, we had our own space, and we weren’t with each other all the time. So things will change for the worst if we’re suddenly with each other 24/7…And I think I agree with him…cause, like, you’re focused on you and what you want. And I respect that. But we never talked about me and what I wanted. Maybe I should find a place of my own for the time being and figure it out.”

My heart sank. "No," I said, shaking my head. I tried to keep most of my attention on her but with the traffic and car horns blowing non-stop outside, I was in a panic to keep my eyes on the road. "No. Please, don't say that…I know I've been selfish with everything that’s been going on lately, but I can do better. I can listen and we can compromise. I can be better for you-"

"It's not that simple," she rejected.

"But we love each other, Regina. I love you." I professed, making it a point to lean over slightly to look into her eyes. "I don’t want us to live apart. I know we have problems but when people have problems they work it out, they talk to each other. They compromise. Please, don’t move out, you’ve hardly even been to the apartment."

She shook her head as if she didn’t want to hear any of it, and from where I was sitting I could see those tears building up in her eyes. “I just, I get heart palpitations every time I think about us living together.   
Cause what if we don’t like living with each other? And what if we break up because of it? What am I gonna do then?”

“Baby, you can’t think like that. If you’re scared of us moving in together then fine, say that. But don’t say we aren’t working and you wanna move out just because you’re afraid of things moving too fast.”  
She sulked then fidgeted slightly as if she was about to say something but decided against it last minute.

This is what I meant when I said Regina’s anxiety could sometimes be annoying. She would want to say something, but she doesn’t. She would want to do something, but she wouldn’t; all because she was afraid of the response she was going to get. She would shut off completely and would leave me in the dark, leave me trying to guess what the hell was going on with her.

“Regina?” I tried.

Nothing.

“Regina?” I tried again.

Still nothing.

Her standoffish and dismissive behavior wouldn’t help either. I knew in the back of my head that whenever she got that way -meaning standoffish and quiet- she was dealing with something that only she could deal with mentally, but it made me feel a sort of hatred towards her.

Maybe hate is a bit of a strong word, but it’s the closest word I could think of that is opposite to content.

So, it was on this day, July 25th, 2009, 4 years into our relationship, that things changed dramatically. The change started months before, but this day was the turning point. There were many reasons for this. 

But the main one, at least for me, was because Regina was still refusing to open up to me completely. It’s the least I was asking for if I was going to marry her. I was frustrated. I mean, I had been patient for four   
entire years, spending every day by her side no matter if it was a good one or a bad one. She sometimes would give me just a little bit, but it was never enough to satisfy me. I still had questions; lots of them; most of which began with ‘why?’

My face straightened as I asked, “What do you want, Regina? What do you actually want? Cause it doesn’t seem like the answer is me-”  
I stopped when I heard her yawn, and I turned to look at her.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bore you.” I spat sarcastically.

“Did you bring what I asked you for?” she asked, rudely interrupting me for the fourth time that day.

“Yes. But I-”

“Can I have it, please?”

“We’re talking.”

“I don’t really wanna talk right now. Can I just have them?”

I scoffed and shook my head at her. “Unbelievable,” I muttered to myself as I grabbed the bag from the back seat and tossed it at her. “You know what? Here. Go fucking rogue.”

She caught the bag messily then looked over at me with mean eyes. “Please don’t use that tone with me,” she said strictly.

“I didn’t use any tone with you,” I argued.

“Okay, don’t say you weren’t using a tone when you clearly did use a tone. I’m not crazy. I know what I just heard.” she said.

“I didn’t call you crazy.”

“But you implied it though, didn’t you? As if I’m not sane enough to judge your tone of voice.”

“Well maybe if you didn’t act like this, you wouldn’t feel like I was implying that you’re crazy.”

“Oh right. Oh, now the truth comes out,” she said theatrically.

“Oh, you wanna know the truth?” I asked rhetorically, a slight aggressiveness in my tone. I didn’t even know just how angry I was until Regina drew that question out of me. I mean, I knew I could get really angry sometimes, but never intentionally towards her.

“Yes, I’d love to,” she answered sarcastically.

“You are acting like a fucking spoiled little girl who Santa forgot to give enough presents to on Christmas day. You don’t need the fucking drugs, you want it. And because you know that I’ll give it to you if you flutter your eyelashes and look sad, you ask all the time. Well, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t fix whatever it is that you are trying to fix whenever you take the drugs. And you would have noticed that if you just stop for one fucking second and choose to not be high all the time. This is ridiculous Regina. We shouldn’t even be arguing right now, but I am angry. I’m angry at you because you won’t listen to reason. We won’t listen to me. And you won’t talk. And I’m trying to figure out the point of all this effort, cause I really don’t know why I keep trying.” As the words left my mouth I felt the imprint of the ring box in my jacket pocket and sighed, defeated. “You are not making this easy. Man...you have no idea what I want for us-”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be together then,” she said

I slammed on the breaks, forcing both the car and my brain to stop and try to see if I heard her correctly. “What did you just say?”

She didn’t answer me. So I tried again, because I wasn’t sure if I asked that question out loud or in my head. “Regina, what did you just say?

She stayed quiet for a moment, then two, then several more after that. And I sat there staring at her in disbelief, ignoring the furious car horns barking at me to drive. I wasn’t expecting her to say anything else after that, so when she finally took a deep inhale that suggested she was about to speak, I made sure to listen.

“I was at a bar today, before I called you,” she said, then paused dramatically. It was as if she was deciding whether or not she wanted to tell me this story. “I was at the bar. And there was this woman. And she was staring at me-flirting with me. And I might have flirted back for a while because...because it made me feel good. And it’s been a long time since I felt good.” My heart instantly shriveled up from her admission. I felt like I should have said something but I didn’t know what to say. So I just stared at the road ahead and eased down on the gas again as I listened. “But then I realized that I couldn’t do any of that back. I couldn’t flirt, I couldn’t let her fuck me in one of the bathroom stalls like I wanted her to, cause there’s you. So I didn’t. I walked away. Because of you. Because I knew you would get upset, you would get angry. And I’m scared of you, Emma. So I didn’t. Because I didn’t want to be the reason why you killed someone.”

I exhaled a quick breath and shook my head. “This is it. This is perfect. This is just what you want, isn’t it?”

“What is what I want?”

“You want me to get angry so that you could remind me of how angry I got when you make me apologize to you later for something that isn’t even my fault!”

“I do not-”

“Hey! I’m fucking talking so keep your goddamn mouth shut!” I yelled at her as I slammed down on the brakes again. “You never wanna talk when I want you to, then when it’s my turn to say something, you’re all mouth and no ears. Then, of course, I’m the crazy one! I’m the one with the anger issues!” I spat, not caring how rude or insulting I sounded. “I am so fucking sick of your shit, Regina. I’ve tried. I’ve been trying to understand you, I have. I mean, I even wanted to ask you to marry me, because I am such a fucking idiot for you. But you just keep pushing and pushing me further and further away, like you don’t even wanna be with me. Sometimes I even think you wished you were still with your dead ex-boyfriend instead of me.” I paused, literally feeling my heart shattering into a million pieces as each word left my mouth. 

“Like, seriously, what the fuck do you want? Cause one minute you want me and you’re all over me, and the next minute you don’t; you want me to get away from you and you don’t want me touching you. It’s gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable around you sometimes. And now you tell me that you could have had sex with someone else, but you didn’t out of obligation to me. Clearly you don’t wanna be with me. So tell me what the fuck you want from me, Regina.”

She fell quiet again, which I wasn’t really surprised by. 

I sighed, giving up on the question because I knew I was never gonna get an answer to it. A long period of melancholy silence drifted by, then I asked, “Answer me this,” I paused as I turned off the main road onto a slightly less trafficked road. “Do you just see me as a way out?”

I saw her head snap towards me as if she was shocked by my question. I glanced over at her and asked the same question again, only this time, it was in an unintentionally sadder tone. “Huh? Do you even love me? Do you just see me as your daily drug delivery? Do you just see me as this person who you can get high off of whenever you like, and then toss aside like a piece of trash?”

“Of course not,” she said.

“Well, clearly you do. I don’t mean shit to you.” I said, then got distracted with the bouquet of roses on my lap that Regina previously rejected. I picked it up and tossed it in the back of the car aggressively to take out some of my frustration. “I deserve someone who’s gonna appreciate the things I do for them.”

“Well go be with someone else then,” she muttered bitterly.

“You’re right. I should be with someone else. Someone capable of being in a relationship and loving me back the same way that I do them. Someone capable of being fucking normal. Someone that is opposite to you.” I wanted my words to sting. I wanted them to make the blood under her cold skin boil. I didn’t care how badly my words would bruise her emotionally. And as each word left my mouth, I felt myself getting more and more angry; Anger that I started to take out on my car. 

I made a right turn and ended up on a road that had suburban houses decorating each side, the real fancy ones that had electric solar panels on the roofs. And I began driving faster, deliberately pushing my feet into the gas pedal as if it was something I really hated.

“Emma, slow down,” Regina begged after a moment, when she realized we were getting progressively faster than the recommended speed limit.

“Why?” I asked, intending for the question to be so staggering that she wouldn’t have an answer. “Why should I slow down, huh? You always talk about dying. So the reason can’t be that you’re scared of dying. Do you wanna fucking die, Regina? Huh?! Do you?!”

I was easily within a 150m/h radius now. My foot was not giving up on the gas. I had reached the breaking point of my patience...and so did my car. At that moment, I was blinded by a five-course serving of rage that tasted bitter, yet surprisingly satisfying.

“Stop! Emma, slow down!”

I ignored her and continued to throw my emotionally abusive words at her. And the speed of my car only kept creeping up too. A certain rage was building up inside me, and the scariest part was that it didn’t even feel like it was at its peak yet. I felt like I wanted to scream but my throat was being restricted. The kind of scream from deep within that forces its way from my mouth, it was as if my terrified soul had unleashed a demon. All I felt was anger. And I knew I was hiding a truth from myself, of how much the reality of Regina’s condition was getting to me, and of how my anger was really to do with sadness and the scars that just won't heal, instead of the excuses that I made up. But I was never going to openly admit that. Just like Regina was never going to openly admit to me what she was truly feeling while she was feeling it. 

“Emma, I’m serious, stop!”

“And you think I’m not?!” I yelled and slammed down on the gas harder as a mode of taking out my frustration. My hands were squeezing the wheel so tight that they were ghost white, and the arch of my toes to the ball of my foot was so obtuse that it started to sting. The fact that I wasn’t even scared in the slightest bit was frightening.

“Please, Emma, stop! This isn’t funny!” she pleaded, wanting to pull at my arm but scared that if she did it would make me lose control of the wheel. “I get that you’re upset but it isn’t worth playing with our lives! Please, stop!”

I clenched my jaw tightly, so tight that it felt like all my teeth could have shattered in that very moment. But my anger got cut short when I heard a sudden loud and frightening siren, followed by red and blue flashing lights.

“Fuck,” I muttered underneath my breath. I glanced in the rare view mirror and thought about making a run for it, but the chances of me getting away in this very noticeable bug was not very high. So, I slowed down until we came to a stop on the side of the road. I glanced over at Regina, who looked mortified, and said, “Do what you do best and keep your mouth shut, will you?”

She didn’t respond, and I didn’t expect her to.

The blue and red lights were little more than smudgy illuminations in the small distance behind us. But beneath their glow was the white bodywork of a police car. Its yellow-white headlights spotlit the dense hedgerow to the side of the lane where the tail-lights sat unusually high off the ground and tipping upwards into the day’s sky. A police officer stepped out of the parked vehicle and began to make his way over to us.

He tapped on my window, silently ordering me to roll it down. I regrettably did as told, even though every bone in my body tried to fight against it.   
“License and registration, please?” He asked strictly, immediately judging me through his lightly tinted sunglasses.

I did as I was told again through clenched teeth.

He barely glanced at my documents as he looked back at me and asked, “Were you aware that you were driving well over three times the speed limit?”

“Well, yeah. I’m not blind,” I said bitterly before my brain could properly comprehend the extent of how stupid that was to say to an officer.

He squinted at me, as if he couldn't believe what I just said. But at the same time, I was sure that he was used to this kind of behavior from people he pulled over. Then his eyes shifted to Regina, who just stayed looking ahead, afraid to look the man in the eyes. “Are you alright there, young lady?” he asked her.

“She’s fine.” I answered for her.

He looked back at me and his face turned sour. “Step out of the car please, mam,” he ordered. 

“What for?” I asked, not really caring for an answer. “You pulled me over cause I was speeding. So why don’t you just get to the part where you give me a ticket so that we can be on our way.” I said coldly.

“Get out of the car, please ma'am.” He repeated.

“And I asked you why? Why do I need to get out of my car.” I responded stubbornly.

“Emma, just do what he says-” Regina tried to say, but I snapped my head in her direction and interjected, “Shut up.”

She shivered ever so slightly from the blunt sharpness of those two words and tightened her hold on the bag full of drugs in her lap.

The officer placed his hand on his right hip, nearing his gun, and he bent over slightly to study Regina better from my side window. “Young lady, are you alright?” he asked Regina again.

“I’m fine,” Regina whispered, still refusing to look the man in the eyes. So he looked at me again and his expression went stone cold all over. “Get out of the car.” This time, he didn’t give me a chance to refuse. 

He forcefully, and illegally, opened my door and pulled me out with one strong hand.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! Get your hands off me!”

He ignored my angry yelps and looked back to Regina. “Young lady, get out of the car, please.”

Regina slowly and obediently opened the door on her side and took a timid step out. She looked at me with tear filled eyes that screamed the words, “I’m sorry.” Only back then, I had no idea what it meant.

“Leave the bag inside the vehicle,” the officer instructed Regina, who held onto the bag of drugs so tightly like she was afraid that if she let it go she would be letting go of her sanity. She, with shaking hands, dropped the bag in the front passenger seat and slowly stepped back. I stared at her the whole time, trying to figure out what the look was that she gave me a few seconds ago. But I couldn’t figure it out. I could only think about the bag, and the drugs, and officer that still had his hand wrapped tightly around my bicep, and ring in my jacket pocket, and my watch around my wrist that told the time 10:55am, and the roses I flung into that backseat that somehow felt like a representation of our relationship that day.

And suddenly, a rage of pure anger engulfed my entire body. And I mildly shoved the officer off of me to try and feel like I wasn’t suffocating, to try and feel like my world wasn’t about to crumble before me.  
The officer stumbled back and grabbed at his gun, pulling it from his waistband for his own safety. I lunged after him, wanting to grab the gun before he could, but I lost and he tackled me to the floor, pinning my hand behind my back. Regina panicked and started yelling, “No, stop! Don’t hurt her! Please, she didn’t mean it! She’s just...she’s...”  
“Young lady, be quiet,” the officer said, sounding out of breath. He handcuffed my hands behind my back after patting me down thoroughly. 

“Whoa! What the hell are you doing? What is this? I didn’t do anything!” I yelled childishly as he cuffed me. And I remained ignorant of all the mistakes I was making out of anger. “Get your fucking hands off me!”

“Baby, calm down-”

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down! He has no reason to have his hands on me.”

“He’s just doing his job, Em.”

“What did I tell you about keeping your mouth shut?!”

“Are you high?” the officer suddenly yelled at me, then forcefully gestured for me to get up on my knees.

I scoff “Why does everyone always wanna constitute being high with being angry. I’m fucking angry, that’s what I am.” I attempted to stand up but he forced me back down to my knees.

“Stay down!” he instructed as he stood up and walked over to my car, checking for any sign of denial in my previous answer.

“You have no reason to search my vehicle. That’s illegal!” I yelled, attempting to stand up again but he pulled his gun on me.

“I said stay down!”

“Em, baby, please, stop fighting him! For Christ sake, he has a gun!” Regina shouted at me, scared for both her safety and mine.

“He can’t search my car!” I shouted back, eyeing the bag full of drugs that she clearly wasn’t thinking about. She looked at the bag and gulped, hard, suddenly aware that getting caught by the police with that much drugs was probably not a good thing.

With the reputation my brother had, I knew I couldn’t get out of this easily. But of course, Regina wouldn’t be thinking about that because she never had to worry about being caught doing something illegal and having to pay the consequences. She had her father to protect her; I had no one.

And if I lost her, I would truly be alone. But what I failed to see back then in that very moment, was that I had already lost her the minute I decided to treat her like a case instead of like my girlfriend.


	17. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I read, I read with my whole heart. I encourage you to do the same.

I was sitting in a cold and bright room. The metal chair that I was sitting on seemed like a hundred years old because it screeched every time I leaned a little bit too heavily into the left side, and it was very uncomfortable. It also made the feel of the room that much colder. 

The frosty overlay of the two-way mirror that I was staring at directly in front of me, multiplied that frosty feeling. Because I knew they were watching me. And they knew I knew they were watching me. There was a hanging light directly above my head that was almost blinding, then several other ceiling lights that made the beige colored walls look ghost white. 

My hands were handcuffed together, resting on my lap. My feet were free but they might as well have been handcuffed too because they felt so heavy that I couldn’t even be bothered to move them from their stoic position on the floor. There was a desk in front of me, and on the other side was a similar chair to the one I was sitting on. I bet that one didn’t screech though.

I didn’t know how long I was sitting there in that room for, but it was long enough for me to notice that the light above me glitched every ten minutes without fail.

The door suddenly opened, and a tall bearded man came in. “Can I get you some water?” he asked firstly, hovering by the door.

“No, thank you.” I said.

He sighed and stepped further into the room, closing the heavy metal door behind him. He drew out the seat in front of me and made it a point to release a heavy breath as he sat down.  
He was a European man. I could tell by the obvious shade of his skin and texture of his hair. Only men from Europe who lived in New York kept up such a distinct appearance like he did. He also had an accent that wasn’t difficult to miss. His badge read ‘Detective Jones’, and the name alone was familiar to me. I immediately recognized him as Killian Jones’ father - the father of my long lost friend that I used to play soccer with - but I doubt the detective recognized me. We never formally met.

Detective Jones was wearing a suit. But not the kind most girls (and boys) fantasize about. The light blue button-up shirt he was wearing was ragged as if it hadn’t been ironed, and there was a stain too - looked like coffee. A navy blue tie hung from the collar of his shirt lazily, as if he had pulled on it one too many times throughout his long day. He also wore a watch - nice model, but old. He wasn’t a man of fashion but he was a man of style, barely though.

He placed a thin folder on the metal table and linked his fingers together as he leaned forward slightly. “Miss Swan-Nolan...” He sighed my name and shook his head subtly. I could tell that whatever he was going to say wasn’t good. 

“It’s just Swan,” I corrected him.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t go by Nolan anymore. That was my parents’ names.” I decided to drop the name Nolan after my parents died. It didn’t seem fitting to drag their names around with me anymore. Somehow, it felt like I was carrying a burden that they left me with. It’s a decision I made out of pure frustration, but it’s a decision that I live by even to this day.

“Alright then, Miss Swan. I-I’m here to help you, okay? I don’t want to see a young girl like yourself get put away because of a misunderstanding. So, if this whole thing is a misunderstanding...you need to tell us.” He spoke as if he was trying to put words in my mouth, as if if I repeated what he was saying he would let me go.

“Where’d you get the drugs we found in your vehicle?” he asked.

I was smart enough to know not to answer him. I had seen enough crime films in my lifetime to know that anything I said could be used against me in the court of law. But what those films don’t tell you is that what other people say is just as important as what you don’t say.

When a long enough period went by, when he realized I wasn’t going to answer his question, he pushed the closed folder aside and pulled his chair in so that he could be closer to the table. “Listen. You tell us where you got the drugs and we’ll cut you a deal,” he said, “A chance like this doesn’t come around twice.”

But still, I said nothing

“The girl you came in with, she’s your girlfriend? We found an engagement ring in that jacket of yours. Planning on proposing to her?” He asked, and for some reason the tone of his voice made me feel I should be getting angry. I could feel the side of my neck pulsing, and my ears were heating up. His words stung. But I still tried to hold an unreadable face.

“You won’t get that chance if you don’t talk. You may not even get the chance to see her again outside these walls.” He threatened.

I tightened my jaw and swallowed thickly before I opened my mouth to speak. I paused for dramatic effect before I said, “I want a lawyer.”

He sighed again, this time seeming lost for words. It was as if he had already run out of ideas on how to get me to talk. I smirked faintly.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “You know, your girlfriend told us all about your brother’s little gang. The drugs he deals. The money he launders. We know everything. I was just curious as to if you’d tell us yourself, but you clearly won’t.”

The smirk on my face slowly faded as I stared at him.

He smiled and reached for the closed folder, flicking it open. “She wasn’t as quiet as you are. She told us about his little business. His ‘taxes’.” He had to be lying, he had to be. Regina wouldn’t be that stupid. 

“We could let you off scot free along with her if you could provide us with some information, details of your brother’s business. You give him to us, and you’re free to go. Otherwise, you’re looking at charges for drug abuse, possession of drugs with intention to distribute, suspicions of domestic abuse, all that on top of irresponsible driving.” He leaned back in the metal chair, “So, it’s really up to you Miss Swan. I’ve got all day.”  
\-----

“She still hasn’t said a word?” I heard Detective Jones ask another officer outside my room. The detective left me over an hour ago because they wanted to give me time to ‘think about what I wanted to do.’ They left me with an officer who had a kind face, in hopes that I’d more likely speak to him. But unfortunately for all of us, they were still not able to get a single word out of me.

“Nada,” the other officer answered through a sigh. I could feel them staring at me through the two-way mirror, “I don’t think we’re gonna get anything outta her man.”

Detective Jones hissed his teeth disappointingly. “It’s unfortunate.” Another breathy sigh, “No trial, not jury, no chance at a life outside bars, not if she doesn’t speak. That’s it. We can take her into court tomorrow if we wanted to. We have all the evidence we need against her, and a witness.” 

“Witness?” The officer questioned

“Yes. The Mills girl.” The detective answered.

“She agreed?”

“Well, not easily. Her father talked her into it. He told her that it was the only way she could get out of this mess that she put herself in. We ended up getting a full report from her.”

“Wow.”

“Wow indeed.”

“So Miss Swan’s royally screwed.”

“That’s one way to put it.” Detective Jones sighed again. And it was not only getting me frustrated to hear his heavy and repetitive sighs at this point, But it was also making me more terrified than I had been before. “It’s just sad that she’s caught in the crossfire of it all. This is possibly the end of her life...all because she refused to tell us what we already know about her brother. He might not even get reprimanded for this, she might take the fall for everything.”

It had been several hours later. And until I heard the officers say that, I had no idea what was happening outside the four walls of the room that I was sitting in. I didn’t even completely give into the idea that Regina really threw me under the bus like that. But I found out the hard way.

The door of the room finally swung open after some more whispered conversation between the officer and the detective, and I looked up at them with eyes that told them I had already accepted my fate.

They came towards me and Detective Jones took the time to explain what was going to happen to me in the next couple of hours, most of which involved a lot of waiting.   
After the long one-sided conversation between the detective and I, he stood me up and began to lead me out of the room, where he would then take me down a narrow hallway, into an elevator to get to the basement, and then into a temporary cell for the night. I didn’t have much time to think about what was actually happening, and the decisions about my life that were now out of my hands and into someone else's. Everything seemed to be happening so suddenly.

As I made my way through the hall, I spotted Regina leaving through the main doors of the police station while cradled under her father’s arm. She was crying, but I wasn’t sure what the reason for that was. She didn’t see me, and I didn’t want her to. I felt hollow and uncertain inside and I was sure that I looked that way on the outside too. I didn’t need her to see me like that.  
But as the doors closed behind her and she disappeared from my view, I suddenly realized what was happening. I mean, I knew it was happening, but I didn’t realize that the end of my life started without my permission. Somehow in the back of my head I expected to be warned by my subconscious, but I wasn’t. The imagery of Regina leaving me behind was the memory that told me that I was truly going to lose everything.

The elevator doors closed as soon as we got inside, and I released a heavy breath.

“Need a shower or bath?”

“Excuse me?” I asked, confused by the detective’s question.

“It’s mandatory that I ask,” he said.

I looked away and shook my head as if to say ‘no’.

“Anyone you wanna call?” he then asked.

“No,” I answered again.

“Are you certain? Not even your brother?”

I waited a moment before I answered, “No. I’m sure he already knows.”

I spent that first night in that cell wide awake, thinking of all the small choices I had made that led me to where I was. Thinking that none of my choices were in my hands anymore; they were in someone else's. Thinking about Regina and what I did that was so wrong that made her do this to me. Thinking that she’d probably never speak to me again. Thinking that my life was over.

\-----

Sooo...you know that ‘disaster’ that Regina was always talking about? You know, the one that would make me want to leave her? The one Ruby said would make me question ever being with her in the first place. 

The disastrous 10 on the scale of 1-10. Yeah, that same one. Guess what? I never got to see it happen. 

And it’s not because we broke up(not in the way I see it anyways), nor because her panic attacks just magically disappeared. No, none of that. It’s because she did. The day I got arrested, the day they forced us into separate cars to get us to the station, the day she saw the full extent of my anger, the day she walked out of the station with her father holding her together… that was the last time I saw her.

My case never went to court because I didn’t allow it to. I knew that if it did go to court, there was a really huge chance that I wouldn’t have been the only Nolan behind bars. And I couldn’t bear to do that to my brother. So I, in the terms you’ll be able to understand, took one for the team. I pleaded guilty and was sentenced to ten years behind bars, nine and a half with good behavior. But I knew that my temper would not reward me with those six months off. So I settled with ten. And according to the lawyer I had, I was lucky to only get ten.

Regina never showed up to the hearing when I found out how long I was going to be locked away. She never showed up to anything. And during those long days of waiting to find out what the next few years of my life were going to look like, I felt true heartburn, especially because Regina wasn’t with me. I finally knew how Regina felt when she lost Daniel. I could finally relate. It was like an entire half of my body was suddenly ripped away from me. And I knew I was never gonna get it back.

The same detective drove me to the Suffolk County House of Correction that day when I received my sentence. And once I arrived, I felt a cold chill run down my spine. I was guided into a reception area where all my belonging were taken away from me, and a I was forced to be strip searched by officers of the same sex to ensure I was not concealing anything.

My officer’s name was Dina. She was nice, nice for being an officer who was paid to watch women strip naked and bend over for a living. She was a brunette who always kept her hair tied back in a low bun and never smiled unless it was intentional. I didn’t like her in the beginning, but we soon became close, much like most of the inmates that joined around the same time as me.

After the search and having all my stuff taken, I was issued with a prison number and given a release date. Then I was led to my assigned cell with some bedding and an extra jumpsuit, alongside the one I was already wearing. Then, as simply and as lonely as it sounds, I was left on my own.

Thinking back to my first night in jail isn’t something I thought I’d ever have to do. So please excuse how robotic and mimicking my voice may sound. But that night was one of the scariest nights of my life, as I’m sure it is for anyone who has ever spent a night behind bars. You're away from everything that comforts you... everything that makes you feel at home. You have no idea what's gonna happen to you. You have no control over what you're doing, how you're moving, how you're eating. For the first time in your life you realize the choices aren't yours. Fuck a gun or a knife being pointed at you. That first night in jail... that's real fear.


	18. Chapter 16

"You look good for a girl in prison,” came a dry joke from a familiar voice as I sat down in my assigned booth and brung the rusty old phone to my ear.

“Hey Ruby,” I greeted her, hoping to sound cheerful. But all the life was sucked out of me from having spent three weeks alone so far in this place.

“How are you doing?” she asked genuinely, the cheeriness in her voice evaporating as well.

I opened my mouth to answer the question but nothing came out. I didn't think I could answer her honestly because we'd both end up crying throughout the entire thirty-minutes I had with her. I felt my eyes sting with threatening tears, so I decided to ignore answering the   
question all together and instead ask, “Where’s Regina?”

Ruby’s face fell even before she gave me an answer, “She couldn’t make it today.”

“She couldn’t make it the last two weeks either,” I said sadly, “I’m starting to see a trend.”

Ruby pouted and slouched further into her chair, which was something I rarely saw her do. “She wants to come, Emma.”

“If she wanted to come she would have been here.”

“Regina is hurting and she feels guilty. She blames herself for what happened, Em. She’s really not in a good place.”

"She's not in a good place?" I asked rhetorically. "Look where I am."

Ruby thinned her lips and frowned.

"I'm only asking for her to come see me just once, that's it, that's all I ask. I need to see her. I need to know why she did this." Those damn tears started to well up in my eyes so much that my vision was blurring. "I need to know If I was that cruel to her, for me to deserve this."  
Ruby looked away from me and sighed and if she didn't want me to see her sighing. I stopped to inspect my best friend's face. And just from the look on her face, I knew Regina wasn't ever going to come.

"She's not coming, is she?" I asked through a trembling voice, already knowing the answer. But I was still hoping that there was a small percentage of chance that I was wrong.

“Regina said that if love were enough...If love were enough, she’d be here with you,” Ruby quietly said.

And those words stayed with me for ten years.

I pretended not to be too affected by those words, quickly wiping the tears from my eyes and putting on a brave face. But underneath it, I was panicking. I was still alive, but I was barely breathing. Cause I had time while she had freedom, yet it was as if she saw it the other way around. Her best days were going to be some of my worst. While I'm wide awake, she's going to have no trouble sleeping. I didn't know what I was going to do without her, because she was the best part of me and I never imagined there would ever be a 'me' without 'her'. I was falling to pieces.

So this part of my life I'd like to call 'The End'. Because not only did I lose the love of my life during this part of my life, but I also lost myself.

Ruby went on to talk about her life as a distraction from my lack of one. She told me about her new place, aka, the apartment that Regina and I were supposed to move into. And about how she was taking extra care of it because she wanted me to move in with her whenever I got out. 

It was a hopeful chat. But little did she know, I was not very hopeful. I doubted she would still be living in that apartment by the time I got out of jail. And I also doubted we'd still be as close in ten years. Because ten years is a lot of years to wait for someone. And I didn't expect either Ruby or Regina to put their lives on hold for me. 

It hurt. It really fucking hurt. It stung my heart like a bitch. But it was my life now. And there was nothing I could do about it.

A few days after Ruby visited, Neal came to visit for the eleventh time in the three weeks since I got locked up.

He looked sweaty and breathless when I sat down and picked up the phone to talk to him. And I was fairly certain that it wasn't the effect of the thick sheet of glass that separated us.

"Did you run here?" Is the first thing I asked.

"Had to. Didn't wanna miss visiting hours."

"Oh," I nodded understandably, "You know, you don't have to do that," I said sheepishly.

"Do what, visit you?" 

"Yeah. I mean, I'd understand if you're busy with your own life and stuff. You don't have to worry about me and drop everything just to come see me. I'm always gonna be here."

"Hey, birdie, don't say that. You're my baby sister. I'm always gonna worry about you, especially when you're in this place. And I'm gonna come see you as much as I damn well please. You can't stop me," he said, making me snicker softly. He grinned alongside me then tilted his head to the side, his expression turning curious as he asked, "How you holding up?"

"I'm okay," I sighed a little bit too heavily.

"Yeah? You sure?"

"Well, as good as can be expected…" I said.

"Anyone giving you any sort of trouble in there, you’ll let me know, yeah?"

"I'm fine, Neal. I've actually made a couple acquaintances."

"No murderers, right?"

"That's kinda hard to do when I'm surrounded by them." I said, and Neal laughed a laugh that made me feel like I wasn't in prison for a split second. I felt like I was actually at home. But like I said, it was only a second.

"Do you need any money, anything you wanna get for yourself..well, based on what you're allowed to have in there?"

"No, but um…" I paused to clear my throat briefly, "I wanted you to do me a favour..If it's okay."

"Of course, anything," he said without even hesitating. I knew that if I asked him to do what I was about to ask of him, he'd do it. Not only   
because he was my brother, but also because he technically owed me for the ten years I'd be spending behind bars. But at the same time, having to ask him to do this made my heart ache and pulse so painfully, because I wished I could have been doing it myself.

"I want you to take care of Regina for me, okay? Take good care of her, anything she wants or needs, makes sure she gets it, okay? Please,   
will you do that for me?"

Neal nodded, and a single tear simultaneously left my eye and started to roll down my right cheek.

"She deserves more than me. I just hope that she gets it now." I muttered mostly to myself.

\-----

Over the years, I had only three visitors. Neal, Ruby, and my lawyer. My lawyer, I only saw once or twice a year. Neal would visit every week, aside from the handful of times when he couldn’t make it. And Ruby, she came to see me every fortnight for three years. But after that she stopped coming as frequently. Every two weeks turned into once a month, and once a month eventually became four times a year. She was doing her thing - living her life - and I couldn’t blame her for that. She opened a salon in Manhattan that she was running on her own. And, from what I heard, she was doing quite well for herself.

I looked forward to her visits though. Every time she showed up it was a good day for me, because it meant that we hadn't completely lost touch. Plus, she would bring in some gossip for me to survive on every time she dropped by.

So, regardless of how things went south for me, it wasn't all that bad when Ruby was around…

A year and a half later

As soon as I saw Ruby's face on the opposite side of the glass cubicle, my face lit up. It was an unexpected visit, because she had already visited twice that month and I wasn't expecting her for another ten days or so.  
I sat down eagerly and grabbed the old phone, getting excited that perhaps there was some juicy news that Ruby couldn’t wait to share with me, hence the reason she was here. 

"Hey gorgeous, it's nice to see you," I greeted her.

"Hey Em," she smiled at me.

"How's the salon?" I asked, in a first of all manner, as if I was the one who arranged this meeting.

"Business is good. We're getting the whole front section of the shop remodeled though, so we can fit more customers. More customers, more money. You should come get a free cut sometime...When you get out, obviously."

"I'll hold you to that." I said playfully, crossing my legs under the table.

A short moment of silence settled comfortably between us before Ruby shyly asked, "How ah…how are you doing?"

"You ask me that every time you come here, Rubes. I'm fine, you don't wanna hear about me. You came here so we can talk about you. 

About all the food and good places that I'm missing out on. So come on, what's going on out in the world? How are you? How's your life, is it   
exciting? How's Granny? How's Regina? I wanna know everything."

She hesitated at first. I could tell that she was dying to tell me something, but she decided against it and instead started to talk about a girl she was currently dating, and how the girl refused to have sex before marriage, and how annoyed she had been because of it. And after that I had to sit through a very detailed story about how she tried to use a dildo and broke it while it was inside her.

But what Ruby really wanted to tell me that day was that my girlfriend, her best friend, Regina, was pregnant. Regina had moved on, without me. 

I understand now why Ruby didn't tell me. If she had, I probably would have murdered someone and extended my sentence to a lifetime. Because I wasn't over Regina. I mean, how could I be? The simple idea of someone, other than me, touching her, made my skin boil.

"So, if I'm getting this right, you came here to tell me about your girlfriend who won't have sex with you, and as a result you broke a dildo inside your vagina? That's the urgent information that I needed to know?" I asked, slightly grinning because I found Ruby’s face hilarious at   
the time.

Ruby nodded and hummed, "Yes, it's been on my mind for a while. And I wanted to tell you, so I did," she shrugged.

I tried not to laugh as I then said, "Don't get me wrong, Rubes, I love your visits, and I love you--"

"So be careful with your next choice of words if you want me to come back," she threatened playfully.

"--but you could have told me this in your next scheduled visit. I was just getting settled with your last story of how Granny was flirting with the fish guy at the market. I thought you came here to tell me someone died or got married or something." Ruby frowned at the blunt yet soft truth of my words. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

Tears instantly began to well up in her eyes as she, again, ignored telling me the truth and instead said, "I miss you." And the way she said it made me feel like she was sorry for me.

"I miss you too, Ruby." 

"Things just aren’t the same without you out there. I mean, we've been going around pretending like this isn't real. Like you haven't been gone for almost two years. But things have changed, Em. A lot of things."

"What kinds of things? Tell me."

She hesitated again. "Just...a lot," she sniffled, "And you still have eight years in here, That's a long time, Emma."

It felt even longer after she said that. 

“And I know we made all these promises and plans about things that we’ll do together once you get out, but…I don’t even know if I’ll still be alive by then.”

I paused, observing her. “What does that mean?”

“It doesn't mean anything. I’m just saying...another eight years is a really long time.”

\-----

As the years grew on, prison became easier to deal with. I made some friends I guess you can say that I stick with. For some reason they looked to me for guidance. I think it was because I got into an argument with the HBIC that resulted in a fight that I won. After that, everyone was scared of me and did whatever I said. Anger issues have perks sometimes.

I eventually, and unintentionally, became a part of a gang. And soon after that I practically ran the place. But I won’t dwell on that story too much because it’s one that you’ve all probably heard before. 

However, what I will say is that ‘the inside’ became the only home for me in those ten years. I didn’t have much of a choice but it eventually did feel like home. I might have lost Regina and a whole other life that I was looking forward to with her. But I, in turn, gained something much more anxiety-free. Something that was stolen when the girl next door captured my attention. Something that didn’t exist with her in my life. My independence.


End file.
